The End Of A Summer

it is 8:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I didn't post because I didn't want my son reading my blog.  he was very upset after reading several of my rants.  I was told that it would be better for me not to babysit anymore and just have short visits with the kids.  I was also told to call whenever I felt like seeing the kids.   I still catch a moment with them outside once in a while.  they haven't moved out yet.

I am not chasing after my kids anymore.   I am concentrating on getting myself back together.  I have been very busy lately.  I cooked at the old yeshiva four times.  next week I have another full week.  it has been good for me to work.  I made a bit of cash.  I also have been going with my friend to the oncology department in zefat.  tomorrow is her first bio meds treatment.  I plan on sitting with her all morning.

I had overnight guests last week and suffered a bad fall in the old city.  I think I injured my rib on my  left side.  I have been in terrible pain.  I managed to carry on at work but reinjured myself while washing the floor.  I finally went to the clinic on Friday but there wasn't a doctor in sight.   I stopped off at the supermarket to buy a few things for Shabbat.  it was sheer madness.  there were loads of kids running up and down the aisles and plenty of kids crying and screaming.

there are still many out of towners taking up space in zefat.  the town does benefit from it all but we residents of zefat suffer through it.   I went to an engagement dinner at the Sephardi clan.  I wasn't going to attend because of all the friction this summer but a good friend encouraged me to join in the simcha.  I bought a nice gift for the young bride but it wasn't really acknowledged.  I'm sure she was overwhelmed.  I have to stop buying gifts.  it's really not appreciated.

I was overtired that night and we got back very late.  I had to meet my friend the next morning at 8:00 a.m. to go to the hospital.  I kissed the grandkids good night and went into my house.  my son wants to know why I didn't say goodnight to them.  did either of them say goodnight to me?  I am still very much perturbed by the fallout this summer.  I find it very hard to smile at my son and his wife.  I am still very vulnerable.  I need my quiet.  I feel very damaged.  I am truly wounded.  I feel abused.

I spoke with a prominent rabbi who has his pulse on the medical profession.  he said I should proceed with my brain surgery and that I'm in good hands with my neurosurgeon.  I'm scared to death.  I am counting down time.  I will not involve my son at all.  I hope that my sister will help me in the hospital.  my friends will help me once I get back.  it is all too frightening.  that seems to be my lot.  first cancer then a brain tumor. 

someone is coming over to check out my upstairs apartment.  I didn't clean it.  I have been nursing a bruised rib and have been resting 24/7.  I do not have a separate entrance to the apartment.  this young lady will need to go through my house to get to her apartment.  it is not ideal.  I should call her to cancel but I don't have the patience to look for her number.  I need the money but I don't know how realistic this situation is.  I'm sure the dogs will act up.

my friend is trying to get her play staged.  she set up an actor's workshop on Mondays.  I truly don't want to return to acting.  I feel so fat and unattractive.  it is nevertheless,  something to do.  I don't think I have the patience for it.  it's like that part of my brain doesn't light up anymore.   I did enjoy doing the dog costumes.   I always preferred costuming to acting.  perhaps i'll get involved later on.

I am feeing quite awful.  I had another row with my son.  I feel like he is baiting me.  I guess he needs me to be the object of his discontent to give him the impetus to move out.  I probably need him to be the object of my discontent to get myself a life on my own, too.  too bad that there are two gorgeous grandchildren in the mix.  I miss them but I am not in any shape to mind them anymore.

I met a recent widower from Netanya.  I went on a family outing to meron last week for a 3 year old boy's first haircut.  it wasn't my family's event.  it was the family of my friends who live on the next block.  they are a lovely Yemenite clan.  the widower was a bit taken with me.  I don't know if that is saying much about me.  men can be needy.  I do not plan on rushing into anything right now.  my friend is also very protective of this beloved family friend and will not allow him to get involved with anyone at this time.

it was good to fantasize about relocating from zefat.  for a moment I thought about running away to Netanya.  I dreamt of being unavailable to my family.  I imagined how it would feel if I suddenly introduced everyone to my new husband.  I imagined what it might feel like having my own life that didn't include my sister or her family or my son and his wife and her family.  how shocked everyone would be that zelda had a life.