Getting Over It

it is 8:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  the kids just left for school.  my grandson starts first grade this morning and the granddaughter starts kindergarten.  what a milestone!  I kind of made up yesterday with my son and his wife.  I agreed to watch the kids all day.  I was called at night to ask if I could be with the kids.  I had plans to be in oncology with my friend but it was cancelled.

I could have very easily declined.  I could have kept up with my tirade but I didn't.  I feel like I got run over by a truck.  it was way too much for me.  I don't know when I stopped being functional.  the day before a young student came over to check out my rooftop apartment.  I became very maternal and spent 3 hours in the hot sun running around my neighborhood to find her another place.

I get that something is wrong with me.  my place was a bit over priced for her.  all the other places were brand new designer apartments way over her budget.  and yet she had to see them all, and I had to schlepp along with her, too.  the arrangement between the two of us might have been amenable but perhaps I would have become codependent.

I definitely do not know where to draw the line with people.  as soon as she decided that my apartment wasn't for her, I should have said good day.  this isn't being a good person.  this is being a clinging weirdo.  she and I bonded.  even the dogs liked her.  I was once again, giving out mixed messages.  I don't know how I am supposed to proceed with my life right now.  the kids haven't found an apartment yet.  they were almost packed and ready to leave last week.

they cancelled one apartment and went away for the weekend.  I was not informed that no one would be here for Shabbat.  it was pretty weird being all alone.  it was hurtful that I didn't know that the kids had gone away.  it was one more grievance to add to my list of complaints.  I do not like myself very much right now.  my grandson told me that I make too much out of everything, yesterday.  perhaps, I do.  I feel totally alienated from my son and wife.

yesterday I was with the kids from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m.  it was hard.  I hadn't slept well the night before.  they were a bit hyper and wanted to do everything at the same time.  there were sheets of paper, crayons, markers, pencils, water paints, play dough, and scissors all over the dining room table.  the television was blasting away as well as the cd player.  they wanted to hear the score from star wars.  they dragged out the purim costumes, as well.

I was on kitchen duty again.  I made pancakes, ravioli, hard cooked eggs and salad.  I made numerous rounds of drinks and flavored milk.  it was pretty hot outside.  we went down the street to visit their play pals.   I took my two grandkids with another pair of little girls to the playground.  it was too hot to be outside.  we came back here and my grandson hit the pool.  I am still not ready to climb the ladder to enter the pool with my rib injury.

the young mother of the girls came over to take the kids back to her house.  I was getting lunch ready. I came about a half an hour later and sized up the situation.  she was quite overwhelmed.  she had at least 5 other kids there visiting.  I took my grandkids home but it wasn't easy.  I got the kids quiet and gave them lunch.  I put on the movie 'star wars' but it was too much for them to follow.

my daughter-in-law came home from work with flowers and candy.  it was her birthday.  I felt truly uncomfortable.  I have given her presents and cake for years.  I took my granddaughter with me and bought a mousse cake at the local bakery.  I put a sparkler in it and presented it.  she seemed pleased.  I kissed her and wished her a 'mazal tov'.  the wrath of zelda was abated.  I still feel left out.  I still don't know what is happening on a daily basis.  perhaps I shouldn't know.