Can We Change?

it is 7:30 p.m. in the holy city of Safed.  I went to my first codependent anonymous group session this morning.  what a trip!   I had every single line on the form to check off.  I am a classic case.  I couldn't stop balling.  it was totally emotionally draining for me.  I went with a gal pal and we fought like little old ladies on the way to get there.  it was much too hot, once again.  we didn't do much better on the way back.  we simply navigate differently.

yesterday, I went to the Sephardi synagogue in the morning.  I can't really follow the services there but they have a lovely and most comfortable ladies' section.  I do my own thing, read psalms, and go downstairs for refreshments afterwards.  I actually had a bit of cholent.  I then went across the street to visit my friend.  after a while I grew restless.  I thought about going to see my sister.  what a shock that would have been.

I had thought that I might see my son in shul, but alas, it was not meant to be.  I have not heard from them yet.  I assume they were back at work today.  I took a nap in the afternoon and got up at around 4:00 p.m.  I had not slept at all on Friday night.  my mind kept thinking about all sorts of changes that I needed to make downstairs to get ready for student rentals.  I couldn't turn off my brain.

I didn't like being alone and I didn't like not hearing from my son so I decided to take a walk downtown.  it was a bit cooler and not that oppressive by then.  it took about an hour and I surprised my friend.  we then went up the block to the old age home to visit our mutual elderly friend.  at around 7:00 p.m. it was gloriously cool and breezy and I sailed on home.  I didn't feel like catching a bus or a taxi. I loved the walk home.  I found my pace.

I didn't really sleep well last night, either.  I was too wired from the walk.  I got up at 6:00 a.m. and let the dogs out.  they can't really run into the neighbors at that hour.  they came back at 7:00 a.m. and I got up and started cooking.  I put up a pot of rice and had a cup of tea.  I then made a tomato sauce for some frozen string beans and put up some frozen chickpeas.  I then fried up about 25 fish patties.

I  planned on making a Shiva call this afternoon.  I wanted the family to have a decent lunch.  I ran over to the old age home for a moment to check up on my elderly friend after I schlepped back from the codependent anonymous.  I was truly beat.  I had some lunch with my girlfriend and then we went together to pay the Shiva call.   I caught the bus back up here at 4:30 p.m. and stopped off at the local supermarket for a few items.  I really wanted a frozen coffee drink.  those things are addictive.  I am currently off sugar.  I bought some grapefruits and made some juice.

I am wiped out now.  facing old demons is a bitch.  I need to go and lie down now.