Do You Know Where Your Kids Are?

it is 5:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  candle lighting is in about 45 minutes.  I made a few pieces of chicken for myself for dinner.  I am making a bit of kasha and red lentils  if I don't burn it.  I burnt the chicken.  I was outside disposing of old lamps and broken fixtures.  I have done a lot this week in clearing out the downstairs.

I had a phone call from a student who wanted to see the downstairs.  she never showed up.  for a moment I had hope of getting out of this financial abyss.  I picked up my granddaughter from gan and she got taken back to her Sephardi family around 4:00 p.m.  I had wanted to have the kids here for Shabbat but as the saying goes; you can want.

I have never had a choice of when I got the kids in all these years.  why did I think it would be different for me once they moved out.  I have always been the live in babysitter but I was only chosen when no one else could fill the bill.  when someone was on the outs with someone else I had the kids all the time unless I had a hospital appointment.  I don't think I ever said no.

I still do not know where my son and wife went on vacation.  I didn't ask the Sephardi grandma.  it's enough of a heart ache that I'm excluded from everything, I don't need to come off as a complete outcast.  I am making plans for the holidays with my friends.  I am not stockpiling food for the holidays like I do every year.  I am not planning on having guests.

I finished my cooking stint yesterday and got a bit of cash.  I bought some coloring books for the kids so when they visit, they will have something to do besides watch television.  I brought up some old puzzles from the downstairs, too.  the kids took most of the Lego to their new house.

tonight is my grandson's birthday.  his parents threw him a party before they left for vacation.  last year I was left alone with the kids on his birthday and I felt like a dope for not having a cake or something festive for him.  I guess kids now a days don't need to know when their actual birthday is.

I think I'm just bitter.  perhaps that is why I'm not told any details about what's going on in my son's life.  I don't think I was ever filled in while they lived here, either, but for sure not now.  perhaps that is how it is supposed to be in life.  however, it bugs the heck out of me that the Sephardi clan is let in on every detail, while the lone American grandmother, is always left alone in the dark.

I must get on with my life as it is now and hope that I will get some student rentals.  when my granddaughter was picked up I got a bit down.  once again, I am completely alone.  would it have been so hard for the Sephardi grandmother to let me have them for Shabbat?  after all, she has a full house on Shabbat.  however, I guess her daughter did not leave instructions that included my having the kids over night.  the kids probably will have a better time with the clan.

I remember crying on other occasions when my son would call me from vacation.  I always missed my grandson when he was not here.  now I have to get used to living alone.  it is much more quiet with them gone and I do enjoy the quiet.  but I do miss not seeing them every day.  I guess I am never satisfied.

after all, I am just here to serve.  I don't get to have the pleasure of my grandkids' company.  it's all or nothing.  there is no such thing as an hour visitation.  it's 10 hour shifts or nothing.  I was not invited to the Sephardi clan for shabbat, either.  why should I have the joy of being with my grandson on his actual birthday.  afterall, he did live here for 7 years.  I guess it's their turn.