Getting Out

 it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  yesterday, a friend took me to a recycling machine in safed; where i was able to return 170 assorted cans, plastic and glass bottles and get my deposits back.  it was outside of a supermarket in the south of safed.  i usually do not shop there when my friend is not around.  it is a 2 bus trip and i can't be bothered; usually.  returning bottles in two other supermarkets is a bit of a hassle.  the supermarket near me, makes you hand each bottle over to the clerk and she puts them in designated bags and counts them.  you then get a receipt and get a credit in the store.  they limit you to 50 bottles.  for 50 bottles, you get a whole 15 shekels, which is the equivalent of $3.71.  you kind of wonder why anyone would bother for this little amount of money. yesterday, i received S12.59 for the bottles.  that is half the amount i used to make for an hour's work when i was cooking for a yeshiva.

i used to throw my bottles out or bring them to a recycling bin. once they started putting deposits on bottles of mineral water, i began to bring them back to the store.  it is amazing how many bottles you find on a daily stroll.  people leave them behind at bus shelters and in garbage recepticles arund the neighborhood.  i feel that i am helping to clean up the environment, while i make a bit of money.  i still have another 50 bottles to bring back.  one supermarket, that i usually walk to; is currently not receiving bottles. they give you cash but also restrict you to 50 bottles at a time. i can easily, take 50 plastic bottles with me on the bus.  they are virtually, weightless but the glass bottles are pretty heavy.  it also makes me feel usefull.  right now, i am feeling pretty vulnerable and useless.

you do not see many people out and around although it has been very quiet in safed.  we pray that it will stay like that but most women and children are inside these days. it is quite reminiscent of the covid years without the sirens blasting.  i did see some people yesterday jogging and going out for a walk.  it gave me courage.  i finally took a walk in the late evening.  i didn't to the entire neighborhood because i am still nervous about walking near a large area without houses nearby.  it was nevertheless, a small victory.  we have had a slew of soldiers in safed lately.  i get a real kick out of seeing these beautiful young people.  they are so upbeat and courageous.  i want so desparately, to be able to help out the war effort but my current financial situation, prevents it. i can't really donate pillows,and blankets.

i am no longer up to baking cookies or preparing sandwiches.  i have come to the realization that by keeping myself sound and fit, and not being a burden on anyone, it is quite enough.  ialso have started to pray, again.  i heard once, that G-d loves the prayers of old women.  i bless each and every soldier that passes me and thank them.  yesterday, i encountered a lovely young soldier at the supermarket. i blessed him and handed him a 50 shekel bill. he smiled so brightly.  i felt like i was giving a grandson some money to buy something he liked.  i wish i could do more.  i guess i should get out and look for some more bottles. LOL

Staying Regulated

 it is 7:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed. we had another quiet day, here in the north.  i don't remember hearing our planes today.  it was rainy and it was sunny.  it was warm and now it is cold. i wanted to return my 50 plastic bottles.  i collect bottles now.  it is my way of taking care of the environment and bringing in a bit of cash.  it sounds pretty silly but i make almost $5 each time i go to the supermarket.  the plastic bottles are pretty light and i can hop on a bus and return them at a supermarket about 10 minutes away.  

the neighborhood supermarket makes you pull out each bottle while a clerk keeps the count.  you have to place them in certain bags that she pulls out.  at the large supermarket they have large bins to toss the bottles in.  no one watches you and they give you a receipt and you wait on line with the shoppers and you receive cash.  at the neighborhood supermarket;  you only get a credit.  it is actually fun.  the glass bottles are a lot harder to return.  i need to schlepp them in a shopping cart.  25 of these bottles is very heavy; while the plastic bottles are seemingly weightless. the cans are not hard, either. 

the point is;  i wanted to do a normal task today.  i wanted to walk to the supermarket, which is a 20 minute stroll but you do not see people walking in the streets.  people are keeping a low profile.  people are in their houses.  i guess the front command has told people to stay close by.  you do catch a glimpse of neighbors getting in and out of their cars; usuallly carrying groceries.  i do occasionally; see other dog walkers, besides myself.  otherwise, it is pretty quiet.  my neighbors do offer their help and keep in touch with me.  i am the only single lady on the street.  there are quite a few adult children; temporaily at their family home these days.  everyone wants to be together with their familes.  and there are some parents who have travelled to the south to help their kids out.

i try to stay regulated as best as i can.  i am doing tons of laundry and washing my dishes.  i am constantly sweeping the floors.  i take the dogs out several times a day for short walks.  yesterday, i cooked up a large pot of chicken soup with barley and green lentils.  i froze two containers and i have plenty left for shabbat.  i also baked a dozen : unsweetened non gluten banana/cherry muffins.  i use graham flour these days; also known as chickpea flour.  it has a particular taste but i am used to it.  i make up these recipes by myself.  sometimes, the recipe only makes 8 or 9 muffins.  i seldom get a baker's dozen but i used 3 eggs yesterday.  i grated in fresh nutmeg.  i haven't used it in a long time.  i was actuallly craving cinnamon but i took out the nutmeg instead.

i usually make banana/ blueberry muffins but my local supermarket was all out of blueberries.  i am not a big fan of frozen cherries but that's all i had.  the muffins came out okay.  i was looking forward this morning to bringing my plastic bottles to the large supermarket and buying a bag of frozen blueberries.  oh well...  i ended up with the mutt and jeff repairman, in my house, instead.  i noticed that the water meter was spinning yesterday and i wasn't using any water.  i figured that one of the toilets might be running but we couldn't find the culprit.  later on,  i shut off the water valves ton two toilets but the water meter kept on spinning.  hopefully,  the repair guy can come back on sunday.  if not; i will have to get a plumber to check it out.

i managed to fold up the material of the sukkah and actuallly; got it back into its plastic zippered bag this morning.  it made me,  kind of nuts; every time i saw it all squished together on the dining room chair.  i simply couldn't focus on this task after simchat torah and the massacre of our citizens.  my gardener came on that sunday morning after the carnage on shabbat.  he took my sukkah down and brought all of the parts downstairs to my shed.  he needed a task to focus on.  he needed to help an old lady out.  i left the material on a table outside for a couple of days.  i then threw it on a dining room chair.  i wanted to wash it but it didn't fit in my american toploader washing machine. it was a great relief putting it back in my closet today.

i felt like i had accomplished something.  i am keeping regulated by staying clear of the news.  i quickly glanced at headlines of breaking news but i no longer listen to the news.  i am traumatized. i do not watch much television any more.  i take my phone into bed with me and watch reruns of 'everyone loves raymond'.  it tickles my fancy.  i find myself chuckling out load.  it is theraputic to laugh. i read that it is the actual rememdy to combat the horrific videos that we watched on the news.  who knew?

Just Woke Up

it is almost 7:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i ate a humongous amount of pasta, bread and salad for lunch.  i then had a fake banana based ice cream and fell asleep. i think i literally, passed out.  i had a hard time sleeping last night.  i spent hours on facebook; looking at the seemingly, countless posts of civilians and soldiers who have been killed.  they are all stunningly, beautiful people.  the finest and best of our youth have been taken from us.  we read of such bravery and dedication to the survival of our people.  so many of our young women have been slain in battle.  and the world continues to call for more of our bloodshed.  it is exhausting to try and make any sense of any of this.  i found myself answering so many of the posts.  so many people are trying to get the world to see that israel is not on par with hamas.  we are trying to prove that we are not the agressors, here.  we are trying to end the false narrative that israel is an aparthied atate.  we are trying desparately, to show the world that we do not target civilans and wantingly, kill children and women.  i post all day long that the world is not listening and that they are all calling for our destruction as a state and as a people. it is exhausting and it is useless to try to defend our right to exist.

i sit in my large house and look around all day.  i see the pictures that my grandkids made, hanging on my wall.   i see the toy kitchen set up near the door. i  see the many sets of assorted legos on the shelves. i see the little tent in my living room that my grandson loves to play in. i  sigh.  right now i know that they are safe, thank G-d.  i know that they are not running in and out of bomb shelters.  i miss them terribly but i know that they are safe and unmolested.  i saw a couple of little kids in the playground with their grandpa this morning and i started to cry.  i would smile, mormally, but i am traumatized.  i look at the pictures of the hostages in gaza too many times a day.  one cannot avoid it. 

 i was born in 1951, a few years after the holocaust.  i have vivid memories of my mom, watching documentatries of the holocaust in her bedroom and crying.  i was too young to understand the trauma.  adults did not speak of the autrocities to their kids.  there was an underlying sadness in our homes. it was only a short time ago that i realized that i was second generation holocaust.  my grandparents came to america at the turn of the century and my parents were born in new york so i never thought we were effected by the holocaust.  it was only later on that i saw pictures of my mother's cousins who perished and other members of our famly.  i didn't understand why my mother watched the documentaries and why she couldn't get over it.  and now i spend my nights and days going over all the pictures of the fallen soldiers and of the innocent women and children slain and of the many hostages being held in gaza.  and i watch the many demonstrations on the news calling for the destruction of the jews and it exhausts me.  our soldiers are fighting for our existence as a people.  they are fatigued and hungry and on the move.  and i am in my beautiful house looking around at all lthe photos of my grandkids.  and i am old and vulnerable and understand the holocaust better now.

Life In The Middle East

 it is 6:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  it is thankfully, quiet in the north. it is a nightmare in the country. we are all traumatized. i went to visit my neighbor this morning.  i wanted to see a nother human being.  the streets are empty.  we have been told to stay inside.  i haven't taken a walk in 5 days.  i ache all over.  it was so lovely to sit with a friend and drink a cup of tea. my friends joke that it is like covid, yom kippur and tisha b'av but with food.  our soldiers aren't getting too much in that department.  thy are on the run. volunteers have given them tons of sweets and bambas but i think protein bars is what they need. there are pickups all over safed to send food parcels and supplies to these dear young men. i saw a video today from one soldier requesting hydration packets.  i feel that there is a lot of unity in the country.  we are mostly numb. a friend is comimg over to spend shabbat with me. i cleaned the downstairs and the safe room. we downloaded the app for the home front command. we have a transister radio. i am too tired today to cook. i will try to make us a decent shabbat meal in the morning.  i am scared that we may not have a peaceful shabbat. i have never felt this type of fear. 

i want to prepare the downstiars for a long stay. i need to get someone to help me carry down a small fridge. i want to put it in the safe room in case we need a cold snack or fruit. i am beginning to shake. i feel guilty because our youth is holding strong. i want to be strong, too. i am safe in my house. i have what i need. i am not under attack,  but i cannot feel calm. i cannot enjoy the moment. i need to drink some water. i need to have a sweet.  then i will take a hot shower. i need to walk my dogs but i am scared to. if i see a man at the end of the street, even if it is a neighbor; i freak, i imagine it is a terrorist. last night the sirens went off.  i was very disorganized. i went to my safe room without my phone. i ran back upstairs to fetch it.  the dogs didn't want to come into the safe room. they are nervous. they sense something is off. they were not allowed to go downstairs for three years because i had family using the apartment.

there were 5 sirens but no"booms" we were told to stay in the safe rooms and shelters. i didn't know.  i came back upstairs. there were rumors of the lebanese border being breached.  i started shaking. there is a lot of misinformation. today we heard an explosion. there were videos of it.  the mayor called to let us know that it was a practice.  why couldn't we have been briefed before the explosion.  these are very scarey times. i must get the courage to walk my dogs.  i feel that familiar tightness in my chest and in my stomach. i am not afraid to sit in my safe room and ride out the missiles. i am afraid that i will be attacked or worse, G-d forbid.  i must try to be strong and talk to G-d. i must try to see the good in this horrible situation.  i survived cancer.  i was in the gulf war and the second lebanese war in 2006. my faith was stronger then. i was younger then.  there were no reports of taking elders captive then.  we have seen unbelievable acts of cruelty and savagery. it is like watching the holocaust with arab subtitiles.

Feeling Desolate

it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  right now it is still quiet in the north.  the constant sounds of our fighter planes is our background noise.  Thank G-d that we haven't had a reign of missiles here.  it was a long and very hard summer.  the record heat wave, the daily demonstrations against the government, and the frequent acts of terrorism; made life here pretty intense.  i was afraid to travel.  i didn't get to visit my grandkids. the holidays were difficult this year.  i struggled to feel joyous but persevered to be in the moment.  i think weall new in our heart of hearts; that war was inevitable.  the writing was on the wall.  the lack of unity in the country was awful. there was a real threat of civil war.

on friday night, i went to the sephardi synagogue in my neighborhood for services.  it was shabbat and our holiday festival, simchat torah.  the men do a proession holding the beautiful torah scrolls, which are adorned with scarves and flowers.  they sing beautiful liturgies and circle around the bima many times. then they sing and dance with the torah scrolls.  at one point all the men held hands as they sang. i cried at the beauty in their unity.  i felt joyous.  i felt hopeful for the jewish people.  i came home and had my holiday shabbat meal.  i was alone but i felt blessed and i went to sleep after my meal.

on saturday morning, i went to the synagogue for morning services.  a lady, one of the regulars; told us that she had heard some very disurbing news about what was happening in the country.  i knew that we were under attack in the south.  i knew that rockets were falling all over our major cities and that on our holy sabbath and holiday, sirens were ringing.  then someone else spoke of terrorists infiltrating the country.  women paced and looked out of the window. i didn't quite understand exactly what was happening. i have lived in israel for nearly 40 years but my hebrew is poor.

i witnessed a few young men, in the middle of our prayers, saying goodbye to their families.  i saw mothers, rushing out of the synagogue to say goodbye to their sons.  i cried.  i have lived through two other wars. i had never seen the men actually, leaving. yes, these soldiers are young men.  many have already died.  i read a list of the fallen this morning.  i stared at their beautiful and young faces.  i cried for their families and for their losses. on saturday afternoon, the few people that i passed on the street; looked broken. i heard only two words: war and 'balagan'.  i understand now that everyone was in shock.

i saw the look of horror on many faces.  one of my neighbor's sons told me about the attacks on the moshavs and the taking of hostages.  he said, war and balagan.  he also told me that if the missiles started to fall on safed that i was to come to them.  he insisted that i do not remain alone.  i wanted to visit a friend but i didn't want to to deliver this horrible news to her.  it was suddenly very hot.  i came home and changed my clothes.   i went for a 40 ninute walk.  i begged G-d for mercy the entire time.  i spoke in english, my native language.  i stopped in the local chabad services in my neighborhood.  the men pray in a tent.  the women sit under a pergula.  it was very peaceful there.  no one looked grief stricken.  no one said, war, balagan.  i didn't think anyone knew we were at war.  everyone there was joyous.

i stayed until the afternoon and evening services finished.  i felt safe.  i fet welcomed.  i felt hopeful. the rebbeson there indeed, knew of the war but she never missed a beat.  her faith is that strong.  i came home and took a nap.  i ended shabbat with the ritual prayer.  my son came over.  he and his family were in safed for the shabbat.  we watched the news.  it was devastating.  it was like watching a disaster movie but bruce willis and gerad butler weren't in it.  my son talked about returning to jerusalem. i was distraught.  i begged him to stay the night in safed.  after he left i kind of collalsed in bed.  i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep. i turned off the t.v.

i watched old videos of "everyone loves raymond" to about 4 or 5:00 a.m. i needed a bit of relief.  i got up at 7:00 a.m. and walked the dogs.  my gardner came and took down my sukkah for me.  i was planning to do it.  i really didn't have the strength to but i thought i did.  the gardner who is in his 50's was very quiet. he usually has what to talk about.  he had that same dazed look as everyone else.  i finally brought in the sukkah decorations last night.  the material is still in my living room . i can't seem to be able to focus and fold it.  i did a few batches of laundry in the afternoon.  i swept the floors. my friend went food shopping.  i couldn't get dressed and i didn't want to go out.  i think i have enough food to get me through this week.

i have a safe room in my house. it has a steel window and is supported with heavy concrete.  i already placed a bed there just in case.  i feel fortunate and i also feel alone.  i spent many nights in this safe room with my mom, and friends and son during the last war.  we ate well and supported each other.  i try to limit the amount of news that i watch.  it is aganizing.  the country has been demoralized.  the death toll is up to 700 and the injured is over 2000.  almost 100 people, including woman and children are being held captive.  i am trying my best to keep busy and to remain regulalted.  i am afraid to take a walk even though we are not under attack here.  we are told to stay close to our bomb shelters.  i try desparatetly not to go down the rabbit hole.  i try to remember that G-d is in control and not hamas.  i try to act strong but on the inside, i am crushed.  i have this gnawing in my gut and my head aches.  i feel useless.