Kind Of Quiet

it is 4:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I have been too tired today to function.  I'm going to meet a friend soon to go to town for the last night of the klezmer music festival.  I actually hate crowds but I feel like I should get out a bit.

I spent the entire day yesterday at the hospital with my friend.  I hadn't slept more than an hour or so the night before, but I nevertheless, got up and out at 8:00 a.m.  I ran to the clinic for a particular medical document and then on to the hospital, I went.  we waited hours to see her oncologist.

I kept thinking the entire time that I had, indeed, been treated at the rolls Royce of cancer facilities in tel aviv.  it was so stark and depressing at the zefat facility.  I wasn't all that impressed with the doctor either, but my friend was.  I wish her all the luck in the world.  she has a long and hard road in front of her.

I ran back to town after the hospital to another clinic to start some of the paperwork. as usual, they had problems processing the forms.  her bone marrow test is scheduled for the morning and the payment voucher form hasn't come in, yet.  I am exhausted from all of this process and it isn't even for me.

I am meeting my friend at the other clinic, near my side of town, in the morning to see the social worker.  I will hopefully get hold of the voucher tomorrow.  I am planning on going with her for the bone marrow test.  I need to get my house in order for my guests coming on Sunday.

I couldn't do a thing today.  I doubt that I will get much done tomorrow, either.  I may have to put the guests up on my flour in separate bedrooms.  I am running on low energy levels these days.  I have a part time cooking gig next week in my old yeshiva.  it's for almost two weeks.  nothing to brag about but it will pay the water bill.

I haven't seen any of my family all week long.  they have all been hustling.  they're out first thing in the morning and back, late at night.  I haven't heard the grandkids' voices, either.  I guess everyone is busy and doing well.  what else do we want for our kids?

none of us wants to be suffocating or controlling.  I never thought I'd become 'a Debbie downer', either, in my golden years.  I used to be funny.  I used to be very attractive, too. it's funny how hard luck breaks you down.  fear is a big factor in this equation, too.  cancer, brain tumors, immature married kids and lack of money all contribute to a person's losing himself.

I am taking it one day at a time.  I am hanging in there.  I am trying to pay it forward and help my friend.  in a little while I will be facing my own medical challenge and undergoing brain surgery.  if I say it enough times it will become real to me.  I am scared to death.  but if I had to choose between chemotherapy or surgery I guess the answer is clear.  I have a lot to do to get my entire house in order but so little energy to do it.