Lamenting

it is 2:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  the fast ends at 7:44 p.m.  another 5 hours to kill.  I got up 7:00 a.m. and prayed a bit.  I didn't read the book of lamentations.  I did watch two Nazi war movies.  I think the book of lamentations is heavier but hard on the eyes.  I don't think that I can go out today.

I feel a bit weak.  it's really hot outside.  my grandson came up to show me that his loose tooth had fallen out.  he had it in a baggie.  that was our interaction of the day.  if I wasn't so weak I'd go downstairs and visit with them in the backyard.  I can't remember but I think I had them with me during the fast last year.  I could be wrong. 

I don't want to be home when they move out.  I'd like to be away for a few days.  I probably will give up cable t.v. when they leave.  I don't think I will be able to afford it right now.  it isn't really comfortable watching movies at the computer.  my neck hurts and so does my back.  I am definitely feeling panicky but there isn't anything for me to do yet.

there is no discussing what happened with them, either.  I don't know if the daughter-in-law really wants to move or not.  my son can be impulsive.  she probably does want to get away from me.  and I'm sure that her family will be only too happy to pick the kids up after school.  it's a win win situation. win for her and win for her family.

I have to be still right now and not react.  I have to let it play out.  my gut reaction is to make a huge scene and tell them both off.  I feel so much animosity towards them now.  I know, however, that it will not help the situation any.  if I want any chance of seeing the grandchildren on a regular basis, I must play it cool.  I don't expect anything to materialize at once.

the last time they moved out they didn't let me know that they had moved into the neighborhood.  they literally got out of here in a day or so.  they didn't speak with me for three months.  I used to stand at the corner of the synagogue to catch a glimpse of my son.  this time they will living far from the neighborhood.  I won't be catching any glimpses now.  my grandson will be going to first grade in another neighborhood so I won't be seeing him any time soon.  if I want to see my granddaughter I can walk to the gan up the street and try to catch a glimpse of her during recess.

I think I have to take a step backwards.  my good friend and psychic sister says I need to learn communication skills.  I've been wanting to join a codependent anonymous group for years.  I guess now is the time.  the holidays will be here soon and then I go back to the hospital for my MRI before I schedule the brain surgery.  I guess i'll have a long break from the kids for a while.

my plan is not to let the kids know I'm in the hospital.  I wasn't going to tell my sister, either.  I mentioned it to her recently and now I regret the decision.  I do need someone to be there for the first day.  I need someone I know to be there when I wake up.  I need someone to make sure that my dental bridge isn't thrown out.  I need someone to make sure that my head is covered.  I have never been put out by anesthesia.  I am scared to death.  I guess I have to see how it all plays out.