Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

it is 8:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i had to cancel my dental appointment this morning. i was supposed to have the spaces on my front teeth filled. i also nneded to have the plate tightened. it is virtually, useless, at this point. i am still chewing only on the left side of my mouth.

i didn't get my welfare check this month. i brought in the information they requested, well over a month ago. at first, i received letters that they hadn't received the information. i ran to the bank and had statements made for the past three months. i also, had copies made of my parents' wills. i put all of the above into a special envelope and put it into the information box inside the office.

i spent a morning at the office before pesach. i explained my dilema to the clerk. she said that the information i supposedly left, wasn't on the computer yet. she told me not to worry and that it would all be okay. she said that eventually, it would turn up. i of course, told her that if i didn't get my monthly check, things would not be okay at all. she asked me why i thought that i wouldn't be getting my check. afterall, i had gotten the previous month's check. she even called over my friend, to explain to me in english that it was all okay.

well it is not okay right now. i am in a sheer panic that all my checks will return. i am once again, deeply in overdraft. i really thought that i could catch up this month. i even deposited a bunch of cash. without my check, i'm done. i can't seem to catch a break. i went back to the office today to make more copies. i put a 5 shekel coin into the copy machine and got ripped off. i complained to the security guard but he said that it wasn't possible. he told me that i probably thought that i put in the 5 shekels but actually, only put in a 10 cent piece by mistake.

i started yelling. i had not been able to sleep the night before. i had finally dozed off at 6:00 a.m. i was livid. the copy machine ate my carefare home. i was ready to kill. i demanded to see the manager of the office. the place was packed. the clerk told me to put the bank copies that i had brought into an envelope and place it inside the infamous box. i went mad. i started yelling once again.

the lady manager told me to wait a moment. she 'officially' explained that the copy machine was an independent entity. she had no authority over it. i would like to see what would happen at social security or even the post office in the states if that happened. she then took all of my paper work and disappeared into an office. she came back later on and further explained that because the wills were in english, they had to be sent to tel aviv to be translated.

i was told that i would receive an answer tomorrow. i was then told to return to the office on thursday. i am waiting to receive an answer as to whether i will receive my check this month or any time in the future. i am in panic mode. they don't seem to care. why should they worry if the bank closes down my checking account. i am freaking out. i don't know what i did to end up in such financial trouble. perhaps, heaven wants me to understand the kids' plight first hand.

i don't know what to do with myself. shopping is out. anything to do with money is out. house repairs is out right now. someone offered 2 free couches for the taking. i called her last night and asked if they were available. she told me that she hadn't gotten much of a response. i asked if they could be held until this evening so i could secure a pickup. i hired a young guy to bring them. the lady asked me to call her in the morning. since i woke up late, i emailed her my plan. she wrote back that although she agreed to let me have them, someone else had asked before me. she was giving them to him. i don't get people. do you????? i felt awful when the young man called about the pickup.

this morning, after i left the welfare office, i went over to town. i saw my granddaughter with her 19 year old aunt in front of the bank. i stopped by for a moment to say hi to the baby. i sat down on a bench for about 5 minutes, talking with the baby. she giggled and smiled and baby talked to me. her sephardi grandma came out of the bank and gave me a 'cool' hello. she asked me how i was. of course, i said that i was okay. i really wanted to rant to her that her witch daughter wanted me dead. i wanted to scream about how unfair it was that i didn't get to see my grandchildren. i merely, wished her a 'cool' goodbye.

i walked home in the heat. i thought about visiting my sister. i couldn't face her negative reaction to my teeth spaces not being filled in. i sadly walked home. i had absolutely, nothing to do. the laundry is done, the house is clean. i washed the floor yesterday. this is not the time traditionally, to listen to music. i am going bonkers. i just don't know what to do with myself. i can't stop thinking of how the kids have nothing to do with me. i am torturing myself all the time. i can't seem to stop.

i cooked a huge pot of brown rice and green lentils for dinner. i had a can of tuna and a ton of walnuts and almonds. i must have eaten 6 bowls of rice and lentils. i am going nuts. i am miserable. i can't think of a single thing that would make me feel good. woe to me!