Getting Back On Track

it is 4:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. it is very quiet. i've been doing laundry all day. i had four paying guests for a couple of nights and had a large amount of sheets and towels to do. i accidently threw in a very delicate beaded top but it survivied. it may have shrunk a bit but i'll deal with it later.

i also managed to put away most of the pesach dishes and pots and pans. i still have a few things to put away. luckily, my pesach closets are right here in the kitchen. i need to clean the pesach stove and put away the pesach sinks and dish racks.

we are having a heat wave. we had a couple of cold and windy nights but it's hot again. the house is cool. i am feeling very alone and a bit sad. i had a few guests during the holiday but i feel alone. the kids have made no contact. that makes me sad.

i went to a torah class yesterday evening. i had a bit of wine and really enjoyed the class. it's been years since i did this. i walked my friend home in the late afternoon but it was really hot. i think i had an allergic reaction to some processed whole wheat matzah. i had been eating hand made round matzah all week long without any problem. i didn't have enough matzah left for shabbat so i bought a package of square whole wheat matzah. pesach ended on shabbat. i didn't need the round matzahs.

i felt incredibly uncomfortable, at first. the matzah felt like it was stuck in my chest. i went to bed siting up because i felt nauseous. i finally fell asleep in a reclining position. i woke up all swollen. my face was huge and my hands were huge and red. i was very upset. the day before, i went to shul and looked really nice. the weight loss showed and i looked good in my new skirt. now i looked like a cow.

we had an early lunch and i ate just a bit of the whole wheat matzah. my friend had chicken and i stuck to salmon. later on, my hands started turning red and swollen again. my friend didn't feel well. i also, didn't feel well. i figured the common denominator was the matzah. i have two boxes of it left but i will definately, not eat any more.

i walked home alone from the class last night and came home to an empty house. the 'upstairs sister' apparently, didn't return. i left the hallway light on for her. what a waste of electricity! my friend needs some cigarette papers so i will go out soon to the local store and buy some for her. i'll probably jump on a bus and go to town. i want to check my bank balance. i think i'll bring in the laundry first. i'm sure by now, it's all dry.

i look around my house. everything is orderly. everything is clean. well, except for the kitchen floor. it's pretty dirty again. i really don't feel like doing a 'sponger'. i had some milk chocolate today. it was the expensive kind from switzerland. it was very tastey. i haven't had any in 3 months. i felt like i needed a treat. my belly is pretty swollen. i'm not going to weigh myself today.

i feel bereft. not depressed, just sad. i keep thinking about the kids. i guess they're just busy. it's not that they paid me any attention when they lived here. i saw them when they needed something like: milk, toilet paper, babysitting, money, a pot or pan or my hand mixer. i heard from them when they wanted hot water. so why am i feeling so low? nothing has changed. i did used to see them from my kitchen window in the morning. now i don't see anyone.

i got to get myself on track. i got to stop thinking about the kids and the grandkids. i got to get myself a hobby and some income. i may do some dogsitting next month. it depends on whether or not the 'upstairs sister' leaves. i would like to use the upstairs balcony as my kennel. i know, everyone tells me to throw her out. i can't seem to do that. perhaps, she'll just leave soon. it's not as though she's found a job in zefat.