Changes

it's almost 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i want to go to town. tonight begins the israeli memorial day. once again, they will not schedule regular programming on cable t.v. it will be 24 hours of peoples' reflections on the fallen soldiers' lives. it is way too morbid for me. we actually, discovered, a few years ago, family living on kibbutz. my father, apparently, had two first cousins living in israel. one died in 1974, a year before my parents made their first trip to israel; not that they knew of these relatives. one of these cousins lost a teenage son in the yom kippur war.

my parents were devout zionists. they always spoke about making aliyah. my father wanted to come here and fight for the israeli army. they didn't want to leave me alone in the united states. i was pretty messed up in the 70's. it was quite ironic that i made aliyah in '87, leaving my parents alone in brooklyn. i like to think that i made up for it by arranging for them to come here 12 years ago.

i got up at 6:00 a.m. this morning and took all 3 dogs out for a walk. i ate the rest of my brown rice and split pea concoction for breakfast. i got on the 8:00 a.m. bus to town. it actually came at 8:30 a.m. i saw the kids near the bus stop. my heart skipped a beat. i think that my son saw me, too. they were with my grandkids waiting for a ride. at first, i thought that they were also taking the bus, but they didn't. i wanted to go over and say hello to my grandson. i didn't move. i was paralyzed. i felt as though i had been kicked in the gut. i was afraid that he might cry when i left. i was afraid of getting a dirty look from my daughter in law, too.

i wondered what happened to their car. i suddenly, felt sorry for them. i started fantasizing about how i could help them. the bus finally came and i got on it. i went straight to the bank. my check hadn't been deposited. i then went back to the welfare office. luckily, it was empty. i got good news. the check is on its way. i got on a bus and went to the dentist. i had my front teeth bonded. they look amazing! the dentist was an artist. i was in the chair for over an hour but it was worth every dollar and every minute. i feel so much more confident.

the dentist kept asking me to smile. i'm not quite there yet. hopefully, one of these days, i'll feel like smiling again. i went to the supermarket on my way home. i felt like celebrating. i bought milk, and yogurt, two types of pitas and some hot dogs, chicken wings, eggs, and kebobs for thursday's independence day barbecue. i even bought some fish. i haven't barbecued any in about 30 years. the whole country is busy barbecuing, so why not us. i invited about 6 people to come over. i told everyone to bring something.

i got home and received a strange phone call. the lady who wanted me to take in her charge with aspergers, felt that i carried a grudge against her. i tried to explain that i was only trying to be assertive. i had asked for the first month's payment to be in advance. she felt that i had been hostile and aggressive with her. she couldn't understand where i was coming from. she wanted to give me some money. she wanted to pay me not to think badly of her. i told her many times that i didn't think badly of her. i told her that she didn't owe me anything. in the end, she sent over the money. she said it was a gift. it was about the same amount i had just spent in the supermarket. it was also, about the same amount i had given the dentist. i didn't get the new job. in the end, the financing fell apart. it wasn't meant to be. it was one less burden on me.

the young gentlemen who are interested in renting my downstairs will be coming over tomorrow to check the place out. i don't know if i should go downstairs and make up the beds now. i also have a prospective tenant coming over on thursday evening to see the roof apartment. can my luck really be changing??? i think that i will go downstairs first thing in the morning, and place a nice table cloth on the kitchen table and maybe put some pretty flowers in a vase. i think i will make up the beds too. what the heck!

tomorrow, the doggie charge will go home. hopefully, i will get paid. it really hasn't been so hard having him here. i may watch him again next month. he is beginning to come to me for affection. cloey dog cannot tolerate this. she is constantly running to chase him away. my life is becoming interesting again. i am feeling like a person. i am beginning to feel important. i am beginning to feel worthy. i am not chasing after the kids or the inlaws. i am just doing my thing after all these years.