What Kind Of Fool Am I

it is noon time in the holy city of zefat. i have just, successfully, put away all of the purim costumes and props. what an achievement! i even organized them by style. it really wasn't a hard task at all. yesterday, i tackled the downstairs apartment. yes sirs, after 12 hours i completed the task.

i washed most of the windows, painted over some mold, and washed down the kitchen walls. i even moved beds. i don't think that the windows were cleaned in years. i had a potential rental for chol hamoed so that gave me the impetus to start. the apartment is spick and span and definately, kosher for pesach. the only problem is that the client never called back. oh well, at least the place is clean now. the lady must have found a cheaper place.

at 7:30 p.m. last night, i collapsed into bed. my right hand was throbbing. i felt vey exhausted. i was too tired to make myself a coffee. i lay in bed waiting to fall asleep. i was too tired to relax. at about 11:00 p.m. i got up and got a banana. i was starving! all i managed to consume all day was a hand full of almonds and a can of tuna. i did indulge at one point, in some carob/peanut butter balls from purim. it wasn't really sweet enough to put me into a sugar high or get me into a food binge. let's just say, that i didn't gain back any weight lately.

the weather here has just turned cold again. it has been storming for two days now. there go the windows! i really don't care. i stopped competing with the neighbors years ago. i am a one woman show. i do not have any help at all. i find myself asking for divine help every day. before i lift something too heavy, i pray that i won't get hurt. there is no man here to do my windows. the handyman was supposed to come today. i haven't heard from him at all. a while back, i met a window washer from new jersey. i fell madly in love and wanted to marry him. my son also liked him. unfortunately, he didn't want to marry me. i suffered for a long time. what kind of fool am i?

my son came over the other night. i was in the computer room and didn't know he was here. the 'sister' living upstairs, let him in. i had done my laundry and used a rack because it started to rain. i took the second rack and put it on my outdoor porch. i was very serene. i actually, got to do my laundry when i wanted to. there was no one downstairs to confront or to apologize to. i didn't feel like i was infringing on anyone's privacy. it was very liberating. i felt like a mentch.

my son entered my house without knocking. he asked me where the second laundry rack was. he needed to 'borrow' it to hang up his laundry. i couldn't bring myself to say that it wasn't my problem. i couldn't even tell him that i couldn't help him anymore. i'm not that type of person. i can't be vindictive. i will always want to help him. he offered me 50 shekels to buy the rack from me. i had already given him the rack for free. i am not a cheap person. i would never sell someone a laundry rack. he hadn't a clue how much these things cost. 50 shekels is about a third of the cost. i took the money on principal. he didn't even say goodbye or thank you. what kind of fool am i?

should i have confronted him? should i have told him how much he has hurt me? should i have told him how much i long to see my grandson? i have no real feelings for the baby girl, because i wasn't allowed to be a part of her birth. i don't know what to do so i do nothing. i clean for pesach. i think i made a mistake by letting the kid take my laundry rack. perhaps being the bigger person here, doesn't send home any message.