Hard To Breathe

it is 10:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. i am finding it dificult to breathe. i have constant agita. it is hard to wallow. i coudn't eat for two days. i broke my 'fast' yesterday at around 9:00 p.m. with a hand full of almonds and a huge bowl of brown rice. i din't even chew it. i literally, inhaled it. i lost another couple of pounds. i am in turmoil. i go to bed around midnight every night and start the day at 7:00 a.m.

the dentist cancelled on me today so i have the day free. i cannot get focussed on pesach chores. i've been on the phone for hours. nobody wants to hear my rants. i told the kids on friday that it was time to look for an apartment. i know that they are flat broke and facing around 30,000 dollars woth of debts. however, they are living here virtually, free and not helping with the utilities. i am also flat broke. the difference being here, is that i am the only one worried and unable to breathe.

i paid the gardener yesterday with a bit of cash that i stashed away. i took a taxi to the electric company to pay off the december/january bill. i know that i am not the only one this winter who got a huge bill. however, i am among the few who sat in a freezing house all winter long without heat. i found myself wihout the carfare to get back to town. the taxi cost way more than i expected. i guess i panicked. i was miles away in some industrial zone and i didn't have a clue how to trek back up to town. i paid the electric bill and started to cry. i couldn't control myself. i looked around for people. i figured someone could give me a tramp back to town.

i chased a chassidic man up the hill to beg for a ride. i couldn't stop crying. he told me that it would be alright. i went to the bank to check my overdraft. it was bad. i managed to pull out enough money for carfare home. i had to go to several cash mashines before i got it done. i walked to my in law's home to talk. i wanted them to know that i wasn't cruella deville. i wanted someone to tell me that i wasn't a difficult person. i wanted to see my grandchildren. i wanted to let the sephardi family know that i couldn't take any more crap from the kids.

the kids are moving out next week. i know in my heart of hearts, that it is for the best. in the future, when things calm down, i can still visualize the grandkids coming over for the day and running around the huge backyard. i can still have a relationship with them. they don't need to live downstairs. my door is always open. they can even put up a pool in the backyard if they want. it is up to them now to be on their own. i admit that i am scared. i keep telling myself that i needn't be. i do own a house that i can sell. i can put myself into a home from the revenue in later years if need be.

i can't stop worrying about the kids. i know it is symptomatic. i can't live their lives for them. they have to be on their own to learn that rent, electricity, water, city taxes, and food costs a lot of money. they have to choose what it important. they have to learn to budget, prioritize and make astute decisions. they are leaving me with debts. i will have to pay off the new water and electric bills without getting a penny. they wouldn't get away with this if anything was in their name. and yet, i still worry about them like my 90 year old mom worried about me.

i take the blame for enabling them this long. and yet, i would still give willingly, if i had the money. i would pay off their debt if i had the money. i know deep down, that you can't solve money problems with money. i have prayed for days to get rid of my anger. afterall, they're just kids. i need to step back right now and let them go and grow up. i did offer free storage for anything they can't take with them. i will help them any way i can in the future which doesn't involve money. i will have to learn to set limits.

i am quaking as i write this. i am horrified at this outcome. i wonder now why i didn't assert myself earlier. why couldn't i tell my 21 year old daughter in law to stop sreaming at me? why couldn't i communicate better with my 25 year old son and let him know that things were getting out of hand? again, i realize that i was dealing with two spoiled kids, who were too dumb to appreciate what they had in me. i also, couldn't pin them down to discuss a thing.

i have to pull myself together. i have to get on with my affairs. i have to find a way to make some money. i have to regroup. i have to make a plan. i have to take a remedy so i will stop quaking. i have to get my smile back and i have to get the weight off. i need to get back to me, zelda. everyone seems to think that i'm creative, attractive and fun. maybe some day i'll also think that again.