Cruel To Be Kind

it is 5:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i have stopped shaking. i owe it to a particular homeopathic remedy and the tremendous support of my friends and readers all over the world. the vote is in, folks. it seems to be unanimous. everyone agrees that the best thing i can do for the kids is put them out. they will have a chance after nearly 3 years, to work on their relationship and parenting skills.

they will finally see how the real world works. they will have each other to yell at. they will get accustomed to putting up the hot water urn before shabbat so they can enjoy hot drinks throughout the weekend. they will also have to buy their own coffee, tea and milk, too. and while we're at it, let's not forget to buy toilet paper. there will be no pilferage in mama's pantry, either. i know i sound very petty at this moment but i have been supplying them with staples for years.

i also think it will be great education for them to not have a built in babysitter anymore. i'm pretty sure that they are remaining in the neighborhood. i think that is great. i have already written them that they may come and visit me whenever they like. i offered them my help with the kids when i am available to do so. i let them know that although, i can no longer assist them financially, i am always here to help out. i even offered them free storage space and told them to let me know if they needed additional items from downstairs.

the point here being, is that i want to be in control of my life and my house. i want them to appreciate that i did set them up for an apartment 3 years ago. the buck should have stopped there. what can i say now? i was foolish, foolish, foolish. i think that the distance apart, even if it is only a city block, will help our relationship. i understand now that i was harming the kids by trying to take care of everything for them. they were so very young and working so hard, that i wanted to lighten their burden.

i shouldn't have given up my pals and exercize routine for them. i shouldn't have given up my volunteer work for them. i shouldn't have gone 'sephardiesque' for them. i shouldn't have done their laundry or filled up their fridge. i shouldn't have bought the diapers and wet wipes. i should have kept my apartment locked at all times. i should have insisted on writing out a contract before they moved in so we would have all been on the same page from the start.

i should have refused to have them over nearly, every other week for shabbat. i should have made it clear from the start, that they were only guests in my home and not real tenants. i should have used the 'n' word once in a while. i don't think that i ever said no to them in 3 years. however, there may be a slight chance that i might have said no once.

i have become my mom. sue me! she was all controlling and ruled with a tight fist. she was also unable to say no to anyone. apparently, her father was a real 'shnook', too. my mother was a classic people pleaser and so am i. i do, genuinely worry and care about people. before i threw out some old play station games last week, i put out an ad on the local zefat line to eee if anyone wanted them. some kid called me and i met him at the bus stop today to let him have them. i always think about the needs of others. however, my baby sister wouldn't agree to that. she feels that i have had a free ride for the past 10 years.

i only learned when i reached 50, that it was okay to ask for help. i learned how to ask for a cup of coffee or water at a friend's house. unfortunately, i never learned how to ask for respect from others. i always appear 'witchy' when i try to be assertive. i get really angry when i feel out of control. and when i finally say no it is quite explosive.

i am from the old school of 'women who love too much'. i am a giver. i don't enjoy receiving. interestingly enough, the attribute of receiving is a female quality, according to kabbalah. i am now giving myself permission to receive quiet and peacefullness. i am now receiving the gift of being alone.