Losing My Mind

it is nearly noon in the old city of zefat.  i am going mad.  i have the two kids with me all week long.  yes, i was informed yesterday  that the clan took off for hadera for the entire week.  no one was left behind to help out with the kids.  somehow this is my problem.   i had the kids from 8:00 a.m. til 4:30 p.m. yesterday.  i was too exhausted to stand.

it is now 8:00 a.m. on wednesday morning.  i have been too busy and way too tired to complete my blog.  i think the baby turned off the computer while i was still typing.  she gets into everything.  she isn't even two yet, and she is a total terror.  yesterday i received several blows to my head from both kids.  this can't be great for me.  my grandson threw a plastic bottle that landed right under my left eye.  it still smarts today.  i didn't dare look in the mirror to see if it was black and blue. they truly love me to death.  they bite and pinch me and lie on my body all day long.

i ran to the social worker from my medical carrier yesterday for help in getting back the money i spent travelling to the hospital.  i waited an hour to see her and she refused to deal with me when i entered her office.  she had the nerve to claim that it wasn't her job.  she had helped facilitate reimbursements for dental and hospital travels back in march.  she previously encouraged me to bring in all the receipts that i could find. i gave her a detailed listing of all hospital visits plus all the receipts that i kept.  i gave her copies of all hospital papers, too.   this was back in june.  i've called her for the last three weeks, because i didn't have the energy to schlep to her office.  she returned one of my calls after hours, so i couldn't speak with her.

she had no idea that two months had elapsed since our last visit.  she didn't even try to call the manager to find out what was holding up the claim.  i told her that i felt that it was all a ruse for me to die so that they wouldn't have to shell out any money.  it was nearly 10:00 a.m. and my son was waiting for me to return home so that he could go to work.  i was already beyond frustrated.  i was steaming.  i waited for a few more minutes to speak to the office worker downstairs, but she kept me waiting for nothing.  she told me to speak to another worker.  i left the office in a huff.  the girl is vrtually, useless.  i wish i could file a complaint with someone.

i didn't have cab fare because my bank account was overdrawn and i couldn't get any money from the cash machine.  all i had was a couple of coins for the bus.  i had just missed the bus so i started walking home.  it was unbearably hot and muggy.  it is a good 20 minutes to reach home by foot.  i was really not up to it.  i finally flagged down a car and got a lift to the top street near my home.  i was a mess when i got home.  i couldn't stop cursing the social worker.  i know it was not my finest hour.  i was one hot mess!

while the kids were watching cartoons, i called the medical office and asked for help.  eventually, the head manager called me back.  apparently, the bogus receipts that the private driver gave me a few months ago, didn't go over well with the clinic.  they accused me of taking a tour bus for a trip instead of coming home from the hospital.  i didn't  have the driver's phone number so i tried calling my sister.  after all, she had arranged the deal for me.  no one answered, so i emailed her my predicament.  i'm out about $700.  anyway, i got an email back that she was in india.  i had an out of body experience right then and there.

i was totally in shock.  only my baby sister could go off to india and not let any of her siblings know.  of course, i worried that someone wasn't well over there.  then i thought that perhaps my niece was pregnant or had just delivered, without my sister letting me know.  i will never understand her.  she scrutinizes me over every detail of my life.  she needs to know everything that goes on and yet she remains a mystery woman to us.  i tried my best not to get angry with her.  i don't know why i find her behavior so hurtful.  i'm sure she is totally clueless.  this is how she navigates through her life.

the bank called while i was with the kids in the computer room.  i was convinced that they were trying to force me to take another emergency loan to cover the overdraft.  i couldn't deal with the caller while the kids were making a racket.  he was only offering me a code so that i could do online banking.  i simply hung up and told the man that i couldn't cope.  i don't think that at my age one can truly cope with little kids.  my daughter-in-law is working on friday, too.  that means i have to make the shabbat meals while i babysit.  that is very hard with the two of them.  i can manage with the grandson but the little one is into everything.  i didn't even try to clean up the mess yesterday.  there  are lego peices  and crayons everywhere.

i have been getting up every morning at 6:00 a.m.and washing the floors.  yesterday i made them eggs and potato latkes and tuna patties and chips.  the majority of this food went to cloey the pincher and myself.  the dog is on her last legs.  she is making a terrible rattling sound and shakes a lot.  i have no time or money to deal with this.  i am hoping that she simply dies in her sleep.  she is more snappy than usual and has tried to bite the kids;  not that they don't deserve it, for torturing her.  i am having the time of my life.  the kids constantly, pull off the bedding and run around the house draped in it.  the little one pulls off her diapers.  the big one pulls off his underpants.  i am constantly chasing them and covering them up again.   i am binge eating out of frustration.

i invited my male suitor for shabbat.  i was  planning on putting him in the upstairs apartment.  that would entail doing a lot of cleaning.  the wooden floors need washing.  luckily my good friend, who lives nearby, suggested that he stay with them.  she has a spare apartment.  he can go to shul with her husband and get the true chabad experience up here.  he can come back to me for dinner and we will meet up there for lunch.  i'll make a meal for the kids and they can serve themselves.  it's a chance for us to discuss some important issues.  that's if i am not totally brain dead by friday.

my son was less than thrilled about meeting him.  he reminded me to get a prenuptial agreement.  after all, the house belongs to him in the future.  i tried to explain that the house goes to him after i die and if i don't sell it before that.  i told him that if i need to go into an old age facility the house will pay for my care.  i do not expect  him or his wife to care for me.  as it is, they are killing me by expecting me to care for their kids. they simply do not have any other help and it is my problem, as always.  i'm expected to find a substitute babysitter.  why me????

i was so tired and frustrated and nearly broken, that i decided that marriage was out of the question.  it was too hard.  too many details.  too much hassle.  too little and too late.  i was better off alone with my two dogs and television set.  i  spoke to my sister in california.  she is the voice of reason in the family.  she told me to take it slow and to not count out anything.  yes, it is a process and can be methodically worked out.  my brother, the psychologist called to let me know that my fears and misapprehensions were normal under the circumstances.  his take on it was that i was normal.  normal for someone my age, normal for a cancer survivor.  normal for someone who has brain surgery hanging over my head, literally.

 my sister who is currently in india, thinks that i should rush into marriage so that we can spend the upcoming jewish holidays together. after all, this is an available man.  she thinks that she can find at least 10 women who would snatch him up right away.  why was i taking my time, anyway??  didn't i know that good men didn't grow on trees.?  is it any wonder that i'm losing my mind?  i need to go to the super but i'm way too tired. i need to go on a real vacation.  i'm actually looking forward to the 5 day stay in hospital after brain surgery.  maybe i'll get to stay in a convalescent home for a while. no dogs or kids pishing on my bed. whoopee!!