Gone Fishing

it is  nearly 2:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i haven't been near my blog in a while.  i had the grand kids until this week.  the granddaughter went back to childcare this week.  the grandson is still off from kindergarden.  i am on 'vacation' this week.  no grand kids, kids, floors, laundry, or anything else.

i actually got out last week to go to the annual klezmer music festival.  i went alone on wednesday night.  my friend up here is not a night person.  she wanted to hit town at 6:00 p.m. to get a bit of the atmosphere.  i wasn't ready to go out until 8:00 p.m.  i wasn't up for atmosphere.  i had a mission to do.  the band from the yeshiva, that i had cooked and mentored, was performing downtown in the old city at 10:00 p.m.  i didn't want to run into large crowds of people and get pushed around.

i was scared to death of being stuck in a crowd.  i didn't take the bus, either.  i knew from past experience, that it would be a huge hassle.  i didn't want to ride around for 40 minutes on a crowded bus.  i called a cab.  i knew that i would have to walk up from the central bus station.  the whole town was blocked off from traffic.

i was just getting out of the cab when i ran into the brilliant lady, whose torah class i had participated in until i got sick.  out of the blue, we got into a very heavy discussion about not bailing our kids out of all of their problems.  she recently, through the help of a mentor, stopped babysitting for her grand kids.  she urged me to quit, too.  she encouraged me to get more rest.  she encouraged me to get a life.  perhaps the discussion, wasn't so out of the blue.  i did let her know how tired i was from watching the kids all summer.

we spoke for a while and i made my way to the concert area.  i immediately, ran into the black sheep of the yeshiva.  he was in an italian ribbed undershirt and flannel bermuda shorts.  his tattoos all over his arms and legs were quite visible.  it felt so good to see him.  we engaged immediately in a soulful conversation.  the rav of the yeshiva passed by and did a double take when he realized who i was.  i was decked out in a shoulder length red wig.  i had tons of eye makeup on, too.  i hadn't seen these guys in 8 months and i wanted to look good.

i hung with this young 29 year old male for dear life.  i didn't move from my spot.  i was asked if i was his mother by a young lady.  i was also asked if i was his girlfriend by another young man, who probably had a few beers.  i  finally saw the rest of the guys.  the lead singer gave me one of his cds.  it was so very bitter sweet.  i miss that time of my life.  that time of my life when i finally got out of the house and established myself in a job and new lifestyle.  i missed that time of my life before i had cancer and health issues.  i missed all of the positive energy i received and gave out.  i missed being affiliated.

i was hoping to connect with my male suitor but i didn't see him.  i must have been putting out strong vibes because one of the guys called him at home to let him know that i was there.  i felt instantly elated when i saw him.  it was cool.  i couldn't really let loose and dance but i enjoyed watching him dance with the guys.  i ran into a few people who knew me before cancer treatment.  this was my re entrance into reality.  i ran into a long time friend who has alzheimer's.  she knew me right away.  she didn't however, remember my name or that i had been sick.  she looked great.  i escorted her to her house and then went back to get my guy.

the concert ended about 1:30 a.m.  i had a fresh fruit drink and we sat on a broken bench and spoke until 3:30 a.m.  i finally caught a cab home and didn't fall asleep until nearly 5:00 a.m.  i had the grandson with me all day.  he was very tired and he stayed in and watched videos all day long.  i stayed in a prone position on the couch as long as i could.  that night i watched the both kids while the so called grown up kids, went to the music festival.  i passed out.  they grandson stayed up all night and played on the floor while i slept.

 i couldn't move the following morning.  i stayed in bed to well after 1:00 p.m.  i had to force  myself up to have some breakfast.  i was in no shape to cook.  i opted to make a simple shabbat.  i didn't run to the supermarket, either.  i had already shopped for what i needed.  and whatever was missing was going to be missing.  it took another couple of hours for me to start the meals.  i made a quick chicken cholent for saturday's lunch.  i threw in some boiled eggs.  i also made stuffed peppers with chopped beef.  i defrosted some leftover barbecued chicken wings from the freezer and made some niles perch with potatoes.  i had some chumus and made a green salad.  that was it.  i did the floors with a wet wop.  i  watched the grandkids for an hour while the daughter-in-law went to pick up my son.  i  gave her money to buy some fruit for dessert.  i didn't watch the kids so that she could go to synagogue.  i passed out until it was time to eat.

i told my son that i was going on vacation this week.  he wanted to know where i was going.  i let him know that i was staying in bed.  i felt scared that they wouldn't take me seriously.  i kept on listening for foot steps.  i felt enormously guilty not helping out with the kids.  i also felt bad about not wanting to see any of them.  it's never ever just a pleasant visit with them.  it's either 8 or 14 hour stints.  it's my making them shabbat meals every single week and spending wads of money.  it's also my son's disrespectful attitude when i voice my opinion.  it's the pressure of dealing with the spiders, the rats and the pigeons.  it's the pressure of being sick and broke.

anyway i got sick.  i have been overeating  and going on sugar binges for weeks.  i've been running on empty for weeks.  i have completely, shut down.  i am a wreck   i am depressed at being sick again.  i'm also upset with myself for gaining so much weight now.  i'm supposed to be on vacation.  i'm supposed to have a life.  my suitor was up in the hood today and called to ask if i needed help.  i didn't have the strength to get dressed nor the patience to see him.  that's not fair.  i didn't have the strength to get the medical papers in order to deal with my refunds nor did i have the strength to travel to get my dental bridge fixed.  i haven't showered or dressed in days.