The End Of A Year

it's 1 :45 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i have just returned home from saying the traditional prayer of 'selichot' in the local bomb shelter, which hosts a chabad minyon.  after shabbat ended, i rushed over to my sister's to see her newly married son and wife before they left.  i had called her home to see if she had come home from india, as she had not been in touch with me.  her daughter told me that she had returned on thursday.  once again, i felt hurt but tried to reason that she had been too tired to call me.

i had broken off my relationship with my 'gentleman caller' on thursday because i had also felt a certain amount of lack of interest on his part.  i guess you can call it bad timing, or you can say that it wasn't meant to be.  my sister said that it was all my old issues and my being alone for all these years.  after all, a live man asked me to marry him so it must have been my baggage that ended it.  my son said that i couldn't get married because i was too attached to my favorite t.v. shows.

i wonder how i manage to shop and cook all of the shabbat and holiday meals for them and also take care of their kids if i'm always on the boob tube.  i am a t.v. addict and i do watch for hours at a time but that is because i can.  i'm alone a lot.  somehow i was able to turn off the t.v. to go to work before i got sick.  i am always missing the end of a movie or t.v.show to babysit or speak on the phone with a friend.  and i never used the t.v. as an excuse to get out of meeting my gentleman caller.  i'm constantly being interrupted while i'm watching t.v.  i'm always giving up adult viewing for children's shows.

since i ended my shidduch, i haven't even turned on the t.v. set.  i don't even miss it.  i am pretty down.  i don't know how things got so muddled up.  i really was looking forward to being married.  i truly enjoyed the male attention and liked his company.  i might have liked just being friends 'with benefits' as they say, in the modern world.  however, this is simply not accepted in the observant, charedi world.  i wanted so much to be able to say yes.  but then reality set in.  maybe the guy wasn't as bright as i had first thought?  maybe he wasn't able to support me as he had led me to believe?  maybe he was too religiously zealous for me?  maybe his health was worse than i thought?  what would happen if i died first?  who would take care of him?  who would take care of the both of us if we did make it to old age? etc.

i was driving myself crazy for weeks.  i started getting morbid.  well , more morbid than usual.  i started telling my son that i wasn't long for this world.  i even asked him to do me the big favor of getting my hebrew name correctly spelled on my grave.  i know i am a witch!  i was not feeling positive about  life so i'd like to think that it was all the doubts about getting married to this man that were taking over.

this is the end of the jewish year.  we start a new leaf and a new year on wednesday night.  i managed to turn off the t.v long enough so that i could bake two lasagnas last week for my grandson's birthday party.  i shopped for food for the entire holiday season and i also cooked four holiday meals and baked two honey loaf cakes that are in the freezer waiting to be defrosted.  i didn't watch that much t.v. i guess.

the threat of war has been hanging over our heads for weeks.  there are many syrian casualties of chemical warfare currently being treated in the zefat hospital.  israeli planes are flying over our heads all day long.  i can hear the sounds of katusha's landing in nearby places.  it is scary.  trying to order gas masks is an endless job.  may we be safe from our enemies and have a quiet and peaceful new year!!!!!  to be continued.....