it is nearly 5:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. we are continuing to have a desert heatwave. it looks like rain, but we just might be in for a sand storm. i am thinking about going to the local supermarket. they had nice chair cushions on sale last week.
things here are beginning to settle down. i actually, ran into my son, coming home from shul on friday night. i was alone for shabbat, once again. i didn't feel like joining my sister and family for the evening meal. they begin and end the dinner, quite late. i like to go to sleep early on friday night. i had tons of fish and chicken wings, left over from my get together on thursday afternoon. i even had some corn left.
i went over to see the family on friday afternoon. my sister had asked me for a certain remedy. my nieces were busy making and shaping challah and rolls. by the time i left, the rolls were ready. my niece insisted on my taking some home. i usually do not eat a lot of challah. i have to admit that the whole wheat onion rolls were sensational. i can't remember enjoying bread so much.
i had a strong urge to go to shul for evening services. i hadn't gone out on a friday night in years. i didn't want to go to the sephardi shul for fear of running into my daughter in law. i wasn't really sure if they were in the neighborhood or not for shabbat, but i didn't want to take any chances. i went to the chabad minyan, down the street in the local bomb shelter. i was hoping to run into an american lady who recently made aliya. she lives on the next block. she wasn't in shul. the service was, none the less, very lovely. there were not a lot of male congregants. there was only one other lady in the womans' section. still, i was inspired.
as i passed the sephardi shul on my way home, i stood on the corner to see if my son was there. after it was mostly, empty, i saw my son. he was alone. he saw me and crossed over to say hello. he immediately told me, that everything was going to be okay. i told him that it was great to see him and that he looked well. he also told me that i looked well, too. he was on his way home. the kids were eating at home this shabbat. i wished him a good shabbat and went home. i was high as a kite.
the next morning he came over at 8:00 a.m. with my grandson. i think the ruse was that he needed a thermos of hot water. my grandson was ecstatic to see me and to be in my house again. he hadn't been here in about 2 months. he nearly flipped out when he saw the living room, his old stomping ground. cloey the dog was very excited to see him, too. i gave my grandson a package of magnetic blocks and 2 wooden puzzles. i bought them before pesach, just in case i had a visiter. i walked them home. my grandson was perched in my arms. he was holding onto my body for dear life. i pretended that i didn't know where they lived. i wished them both a good shabbat. my son hugged me and gave me a kiss. he hadn't hugged me in over 3 years.
i was so happy. i went to shul at 9:00 a.m. i hadn't been there for shabbat services in many, many years. the service was beautiful. i couldn't stop crying. the american lady came just then. afterwards, she and her husband invited me to join them for lunch. i was so hoping that they would. i couldn't stand the thought of being alone for one more meal. we hit it off immediately. i stayed til almost 4:00 p.m. we then met up an hour later, and she accompanied me to an english torah class in canaan. she got to meet many english apeakers. it was her first time, since coming to zefat a few months ago, to go a class. we took a cab home after shabbat.
it was the best shabbat that i've had in a very long time. everyone at the class was complementing my short wig. that's right, at the last moment, i put on my wig. i hadn't worn it in years. i also got compliments on my clothes, the colors, my skin and general looks. i felt like a people magnet. it really works to appear well. to seem well, to seem fit and happy. i finally inderstand. nobody likes to be with a whiney loser. nobody likes desperate. nobody likes toothless. everybody likes a winner. to quote the infamous charlie sheen: "winning!"
i might have some part time tenants later this month. i know that i gave them too good of a deal, but i am desperate for income. i am trying as hard as i can to pay off my bills. i even, have a dog sitting job soon. but i think that i will blow it off. i don't want to have excessive barking when the tenants arrive. it isn't nice.
i am just going to stay on my new course. eat well, look well, act well. be well.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Party's Over
it is well past midnight in the holy city of zefat. i finished up the dishes from the barbecue a little while ago. i didn't feel like buying disposable dishes this week. i wasn't trying to be ecofriendly. i was just feeling cheap. i don't like to use plastic dishes on shabbat. however, this was unusual for me to do a cookout and use real glasses,cutlery and plates. my friends cleared the tables for me so i was only left with washing the dishes.
the gentlemen finally came to see the downstairs apartment. it looked great. it was super cool despite the heatwave outside. unfortunately for me, i think the place is too big for them. it doesn't look like i got a rental. i'm 0 for 2 in the money game. i invited them to stay for the independence day barbecue but they declined. they had to get ready to travel. i invited them to my apartment for cold drinks. the 3 dogs were making a heck of a lot of noise. then the male dog engaged one of the men and started humpimg him. what a day!
my neighbors were partying hearty outside today. the music was blasting and they were feeling no pain. every year they come up with a theme. a lot of people do this for purim. they are the only ones, that i know, who do a themed independence day party. this year it was indians. not the people who live in india. you know, the ones who used to kill the cowboys. they built a giant tee pee that was the entrance way to the party. they had a killer barbecue going. the smells were making me hungry and left me lusting for meat. i wanted to dress up as a cowboy and go over to the indians and make a fuss. somehow, i didn't think they would get it.
i got up at 7:00 a.m. and walked the dogs. i had yogurt with bananas and almonds for breakfast. i splurged and drizzled some honey on to it. i had a couple of coffees and then made a bread for my friend with the food issues. i made it with only: one cup of rice flour, 2 eggs, 2 tbs of oil, 2 tbs of date honey and a package of ground chestnuts. i used a half cup of coconut milk for the liquid. it is a weird cake like bread. it is an 'acquired' taste. it is not for everyone. i didn't sample it today. i was way, happy, eating a whole wheat pita and chumus. i gave the rest of the bread to my friend.
my friend wants me to babysit her dog and the dog of her friend over shabbat. i don't think that her dog would like to be with me and my dogs. she is a bit of a scaredy cat dog. she would be lost without her owner. i cannot handle more than one doggie guest per night. her friend's dog is a mixed shephard. i don't do large dogs. i like little dogs. i do have a doggy gig in a couple of weeks, with a large dog. i intend to keep her on the upstairs balcony. that's once, upstairs sister, vacates the premises. i actually, feel sorry for sister dearest.
at 3:00 p.m. i went downstairs to fire up the grills. i bought a tiny, disposable grill for the fish. the friend with the food issues, doesn't usually eat chicken. the little grill lighted easily. the larger grill was a real hassle to start. i grilled some whole hake fish to start the meal. i served a colorabi and carrot salad, some chumus and tahina, and a large fresh green salad with red cabbage and cherry tomatoes. i even made a vinegrette dressing. we all ate bread, including me. we then had chicken wings, hot dogs, corn on the cob, watermelon, fresh oranges, and more rolls and pitas. i heated up a can of saurkraut. we never got to grill the kebobs. we were all happily stuffed. we did have room for roasted marshmallows and a bar of semi sweet chocolate. i forgot to serve the pareve icecream nuggets.
i had 2 marshmallows. it was way too sweet for me. later on, i had one icecream nugget. i had no desire to eat more of them. i needed a walk. it was getting cool but i was hot. i walked my friend back to town and then headed home. i didn't want to go home. i didn't want to enter an empty house. i must have walked for 2 hours. i couldn't stop thinking about past barbecues with the kids.
on my way home, i saw my son. he drove right past me. i think he saw me, too. we had 5 dogs at our barbecue. it was a riot. they were all making a lot of noise. we were all getting off on watching the dogs interact with each other. the music and hilarity from next store helped to drown out the noise of the dogs. and if it didn't who cares! we were all finished partying by 7:00 p.m. it wouldn't have been a good mix if the kids were here. there were just, too many dogs for their liking. all in all, it was a lovely day. i had a good time and good company. why can't i just stop torturing myself by thinking about the kids.
my guests thought that the meal was elaborate. my son would have scoffed at the lack of lamb chops and steaks. he would not have been satisfied with chicken wings and franks. he would have finagled a lot of cash out of me to buy fresh meat. why do i care now? i spent the day with friends. why does it eat me up that i wasn't with my family? i don't usually enjoy being with my family. i don't enjoy all of the scrutiny. guess what? no one scrutinized me today.
a lady was supposed to come over this evening to see the upstairs apartment. i never heard from her. so i guess, that leaves me, 0 for 3 in the money game, now. you can only hope and pray that things get better.
tomorrow is shabbat once again. i am way ahead of the game. i have leftover grilled fish, chicken wings, watermelon, rolls, chumus and colorabi salad. there were some uncooked wings left so i'll make a soup. it looks like i'll be alone again. at least, i'll eat well.
the gentlemen finally came to see the downstairs apartment. it looked great. it was super cool despite the heatwave outside. unfortunately for me, i think the place is too big for them. it doesn't look like i got a rental. i'm 0 for 2 in the money game. i invited them to stay for the independence day barbecue but they declined. they had to get ready to travel. i invited them to my apartment for cold drinks. the 3 dogs were making a heck of a lot of noise. then the male dog engaged one of the men and started humpimg him. what a day!
my neighbors were partying hearty outside today. the music was blasting and they were feeling no pain. every year they come up with a theme. a lot of people do this for purim. they are the only ones, that i know, who do a themed independence day party. this year it was indians. not the people who live in india. you know, the ones who used to kill the cowboys. they built a giant tee pee that was the entrance way to the party. they had a killer barbecue going. the smells were making me hungry and left me lusting for meat. i wanted to dress up as a cowboy and go over to the indians and make a fuss. somehow, i didn't think they would get it.
i got up at 7:00 a.m. and walked the dogs. i had yogurt with bananas and almonds for breakfast. i splurged and drizzled some honey on to it. i had a couple of coffees and then made a bread for my friend with the food issues. i made it with only: one cup of rice flour, 2 eggs, 2 tbs of oil, 2 tbs of date honey and a package of ground chestnuts. i used a half cup of coconut milk for the liquid. it is a weird cake like bread. it is an 'acquired' taste. it is not for everyone. i didn't sample it today. i was way, happy, eating a whole wheat pita and chumus. i gave the rest of the bread to my friend.
my friend wants me to babysit her dog and the dog of her friend over shabbat. i don't think that her dog would like to be with me and my dogs. she is a bit of a scaredy cat dog. she would be lost without her owner. i cannot handle more than one doggie guest per night. her friend's dog is a mixed shephard. i don't do large dogs. i like little dogs. i do have a doggy gig in a couple of weeks, with a large dog. i intend to keep her on the upstairs balcony. that's once, upstairs sister, vacates the premises. i actually, feel sorry for sister dearest.
at 3:00 p.m. i went downstairs to fire up the grills. i bought a tiny, disposable grill for the fish. the friend with the food issues, doesn't usually eat chicken. the little grill lighted easily. the larger grill was a real hassle to start. i grilled some whole hake fish to start the meal. i served a colorabi and carrot salad, some chumus and tahina, and a large fresh green salad with red cabbage and cherry tomatoes. i even made a vinegrette dressing. we all ate bread, including me. we then had chicken wings, hot dogs, corn on the cob, watermelon, fresh oranges, and more rolls and pitas. i heated up a can of saurkraut. we never got to grill the kebobs. we were all happily stuffed. we did have room for roasted marshmallows and a bar of semi sweet chocolate. i forgot to serve the pareve icecream nuggets.
i had 2 marshmallows. it was way too sweet for me. later on, i had one icecream nugget. i had no desire to eat more of them. i needed a walk. it was getting cool but i was hot. i walked my friend back to town and then headed home. i didn't want to go home. i didn't want to enter an empty house. i must have walked for 2 hours. i couldn't stop thinking about past barbecues with the kids.
on my way home, i saw my son. he drove right past me. i think he saw me, too. we had 5 dogs at our barbecue. it was a riot. they were all making a lot of noise. we were all getting off on watching the dogs interact with each other. the music and hilarity from next store helped to drown out the noise of the dogs. and if it didn't who cares! we were all finished partying by 7:00 p.m. it wouldn't have been a good mix if the kids were here. there were just, too many dogs for their liking. all in all, it was a lovely day. i had a good time and good company. why can't i just stop torturing myself by thinking about the kids.
my guests thought that the meal was elaborate. my son would have scoffed at the lack of lamb chops and steaks. he would not have been satisfied with chicken wings and franks. he would have finagled a lot of cash out of me to buy fresh meat. why do i care now? i spent the day with friends. why does it eat me up that i wasn't with my family? i don't usually enjoy being with my family. i don't enjoy all of the scrutiny. guess what? no one scrutinized me today.
a lady was supposed to come over this evening to see the upstairs apartment. i never heard from her. so i guess, that leaves me, 0 for 3 in the money game, now. you can only hope and pray that things get better.
tomorrow is shabbat once again. i am way ahead of the game. i have leftover grilled fish, chicken wings, watermelon, rolls, chumus and colorabi salad. there were some uncooked wings left so i'll make a soup. it looks like i'll be alone again. at least, i'll eat well.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Independence Day
it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. i thought about going down to the seniors' center this morning but i think i will have to skip it. i really need to go downstairs and spruce the place up. if upstairs sister was up now i would go and get the kitchen utensils that i store there.
the gardner is here and i just paid him 2 weeks earlier. the guilt offering present that i received yesterday, was burning a hole in my pocket. money isn't static. it's meant to be shared and passed around. anyway, it is just one bill that is off my head this month. the gardner mentioned that i looked well. believe it or not, i am tanned, 12 pounds lighter and my teeth are shining. i may have even smiled this morning. no, i didn't go to a halth spa or mountain retreat. i simply, have been eating well, walking more, sitting outside in the garden and of course, going to the dentist.
my neighbor across from me, once again, won this years' independence day flag war. he seriously, hung up 12 huge flags. i put up my one meager, kind of pathetic looking, stretchy material flag from last year. i don't buy newspapers so i didn't receive any shiny new flags this year. the adjoining neighbors didn't even put up a fight this year. shlomo won hands down. he is the official reigning flag king. it looks a lot like i am living across the street from the israeli embassy. it is really something! sorry that i don't have any pix to post.
i want to thank all of my loyal blog followers for the loving support that i have been receiving. it would have been enough, dayenu, if you just read the blog. i know how i tend to go off on a subject. i am overwhelmed by your generous comments and concern. i am currently havng a computer glitch that prohibits me from publishing your wonderful comments. hopefully, i will make enough income soon to get someone in to overhaul my computer. please keep reading and commenting whenever you like.
i woke up this morning feeling completely exhausted. it actually feels, like i was run over by a truck. it could be dehydration. i don't remember drinking very much yesterday. it could also be the letdown after a particularly, momentous day. i am taking it slow right now. i will drink some coffee and just chill out until i feel stronger. i probably need water. it isn't easy for me to drink any.
i had to take the dogs for a stroll a little while ago. it was a bit late for them. i have been going out at six or seven in the morning, all week long. the male charge left his calling card all over the kitchen. i will have to do a few buckets of water sponger today. right now, i can't move by body. my back aches. sitting in the dentist chair for over an hour, wasn't easy. it was worth it.
i am not a high maintenance type of gal. i get my sun from sitting in the backyard. i use vaseline on my skin. the oil of olay, isn't cutting it anymore. i eat simple foods like yogurt and almonds. i buy skirts off the sales rack for 10 or 12 dollars. i am happy with the simple pleasures of life. i don't crave lamb chops or steaks. i am happy with kebobs, chicken wings and franks. i don't dream of godiva chocolates or 7 layer cakes. give me a few dried dates and i am in heaven.
my plan of ation today, is to set up the downstairs kitchen. i want it to be ready for the prospective tenants. i also want to make up the bedrooms. my biggest fear is that upstairs sister will make a huge racket and scare off the tenants. i have to be positive. i gave these guys a really good deal. if they don't want it, they don't want it. i have to just keep putting my name out there. i have another dogsitting job in a couple of weeks. that will pay for another tooth to be bonded. we are having fun now! if this was a t.v. sitcom, it would probably end now.
the gardner is here and i just paid him 2 weeks earlier. the guilt offering present that i received yesterday, was burning a hole in my pocket. money isn't static. it's meant to be shared and passed around. anyway, it is just one bill that is off my head this month. the gardner mentioned that i looked well. believe it or not, i am tanned, 12 pounds lighter and my teeth are shining. i may have even smiled this morning. no, i didn't go to a halth spa or mountain retreat. i simply, have been eating well, walking more, sitting outside in the garden and of course, going to the dentist.
my neighbor across from me, once again, won this years' independence day flag war. he seriously, hung up 12 huge flags. i put up my one meager, kind of pathetic looking, stretchy material flag from last year. i don't buy newspapers so i didn't receive any shiny new flags this year. the adjoining neighbors didn't even put up a fight this year. shlomo won hands down. he is the official reigning flag king. it looks a lot like i am living across the street from the israeli embassy. it is really something! sorry that i don't have any pix to post.
i want to thank all of my loyal blog followers for the loving support that i have been receiving. it would have been enough, dayenu, if you just read the blog. i know how i tend to go off on a subject. i am overwhelmed by your generous comments and concern. i am currently havng a computer glitch that prohibits me from publishing your wonderful comments. hopefully, i will make enough income soon to get someone in to overhaul my computer. please keep reading and commenting whenever you like.
i woke up this morning feeling completely exhausted. it actually feels, like i was run over by a truck. it could be dehydration. i don't remember drinking very much yesterday. it could also be the letdown after a particularly, momentous day. i am taking it slow right now. i will drink some coffee and just chill out until i feel stronger. i probably need water. it isn't easy for me to drink any.
i had to take the dogs for a stroll a little while ago. it was a bit late for them. i have been going out at six or seven in the morning, all week long. the male charge left his calling card all over the kitchen. i will have to do a few buckets of water sponger today. right now, i can't move by body. my back aches. sitting in the dentist chair for over an hour, wasn't easy. it was worth it.
i am not a high maintenance type of gal. i get my sun from sitting in the backyard. i use vaseline on my skin. the oil of olay, isn't cutting it anymore. i eat simple foods like yogurt and almonds. i buy skirts off the sales rack for 10 or 12 dollars. i am happy with the simple pleasures of life. i don't crave lamb chops or steaks. i am happy with kebobs, chicken wings and franks. i don't dream of godiva chocolates or 7 layer cakes. give me a few dried dates and i am in heaven.
my plan of ation today, is to set up the downstairs kitchen. i want it to be ready for the prospective tenants. i also want to make up the bedrooms. my biggest fear is that upstairs sister will make a huge racket and scare off the tenants. i have to be positive. i gave these guys a really good deal. if they don't want it, they don't want it. i have to just keep putting my name out there. i have another dogsitting job in a couple of weeks. that will pay for another tooth to be bonded. we are having fun now! if this was a t.v. sitcom, it would probably end now.
Changes
it's almost 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i want to go to town. tonight begins the israeli memorial day. once again, they will not schedule regular programming on cable t.v. it will be 24 hours of peoples' reflections on the fallen soldiers' lives. it is way too morbid for me. we actually, discovered, a few years ago, family living on kibbutz. my father, apparently, had two first cousins living in israel. one died in 1974, a year before my parents made their first trip to israel; not that they knew of these relatives. one of these cousins lost a teenage son in the yom kippur war.
my parents were devout zionists. they always spoke about making aliyah. my father wanted to come here and fight for the israeli army. they didn't want to leave me alone in the united states. i was pretty messed up in the 70's. it was quite ironic that i made aliyah in '87, leaving my parents alone in brooklyn. i like to think that i made up for it by arranging for them to come here 12 years ago.
i got up at 6:00 a.m. this morning and took all 3 dogs out for a walk. i ate the rest of my brown rice and split pea concoction for breakfast. i got on the 8:00 a.m. bus to town. it actually came at 8:30 a.m. i saw the kids near the bus stop. my heart skipped a beat. i think that my son saw me, too. they were with my grandkids waiting for a ride. at first, i thought that they were also taking the bus, but they didn't. i wanted to go over and say hello to my grandson. i didn't move. i was paralyzed. i felt as though i had been kicked in the gut. i was afraid that he might cry when i left. i was afraid of getting a dirty look from my daughter in law, too.
i wondered what happened to their car. i suddenly, felt sorry for them. i started fantasizing about how i could help them. the bus finally came and i got on it. i went straight to the bank. my check hadn't been deposited. i then went back to the welfare office. luckily, it was empty. i got good news. the check is on its way. i got on a bus and went to the dentist. i had my front teeth bonded. they look amazing! the dentist was an artist. i was in the chair for over an hour but it was worth every dollar and every minute. i feel so much more confident.
the dentist kept asking me to smile. i'm not quite there yet. hopefully, one of these days, i'll feel like smiling again. i went to the supermarket on my way home. i felt like celebrating. i bought milk, and yogurt, two types of pitas and some hot dogs, chicken wings, eggs, and kebobs for thursday's independence day barbecue. i even bought some fish. i haven't barbecued any in about 30 years. the whole country is busy barbecuing, so why not us. i invited about 6 people to come over. i told everyone to bring something.
i got home and received a strange phone call. the lady who wanted me to take in her charge with aspergers, felt that i carried a grudge against her. i tried to explain that i was only trying to be assertive. i had asked for the first month's payment to be in advance. she felt that i had been hostile and aggressive with her. she couldn't understand where i was coming from. she wanted to give me some money. she wanted to pay me not to think badly of her. i told her many times that i didn't think badly of her. i told her that she didn't owe me anything. in the end, she sent over the money. she said it was a gift. it was about the same amount i had just spent in the supermarket. it was also, about the same amount i had given the dentist. i didn't get the new job. in the end, the financing fell apart. it wasn't meant to be. it was one less burden on me.
the young gentlemen who are interested in renting my downstairs will be coming over tomorrow to check the place out. i don't know if i should go downstairs and make up the beds now. i also have a prospective tenant coming over on thursday evening to see the roof apartment. can my luck really be changing??? i think that i will go downstairs first thing in the morning, and place a nice table cloth on the kitchen table and maybe put some pretty flowers in a vase. i think i will make up the beds too. what the heck!
tomorrow, the doggie charge will go home. hopefully, i will get paid. it really hasn't been so hard having him here. i may watch him again next month. he is beginning to come to me for affection. cloey dog cannot tolerate this. she is constantly running to chase him away. my life is becoming interesting again. i am feeling like a person. i am beginning to feel important. i am beginning to feel worthy. i am not chasing after the kids or the inlaws. i am just doing my thing after all these years.
my parents were devout zionists. they always spoke about making aliyah. my father wanted to come here and fight for the israeli army. they didn't want to leave me alone in the united states. i was pretty messed up in the 70's. it was quite ironic that i made aliyah in '87, leaving my parents alone in brooklyn. i like to think that i made up for it by arranging for them to come here 12 years ago.
i got up at 6:00 a.m. this morning and took all 3 dogs out for a walk. i ate the rest of my brown rice and split pea concoction for breakfast. i got on the 8:00 a.m. bus to town. it actually came at 8:30 a.m. i saw the kids near the bus stop. my heart skipped a beat. i think that my son saw me, too. they were with my grandkids waiting for a ride. at first, i thought that they were also taking the bus, but they didn't. i wanted to go over and say hello to my grandson. i didn't move. i was paralyzed. i felt as though i had been kicked in the gut. i was afraid that he might cry when i left. i was afraid of getting a dirty look from my daughter in law, too.
i wondered what happened to their car. i suddenly, felt sorry for them. i started fantasizing about how i could help them. the bus finally came and i got on it. i went straight to the bank. my check hadn't been deposited. i then went back to the welfare office. luckily, it was empty. i got good news. the check is on its way. i got on a bus and went to the dentist. i had my front teeth bonded. they look amazing! the dentist was an artist. i was in the chair for over an hour but it was worth every dollar and every minute. i feel so much more confident.
the dentist kept asking me to smile. i'm not quite there yet. hopefully, one of these days, i'll feel like smiling again. i went to the supermarket on my way home. i felt like celebrating. i bought milk, and yogurt, two types of pitas and some hot dogs, chicken wings, eggs, and kebobs for thursday's independence day barbecue. i even bought some fish. i haven't barbecued any in about 30 years. the whole country is busy barbecuing, so why not us. i invited about 6 people to come over. i told everyone to bring something.
i got home and received a strange phone call. the lady who wanted me to take in her charge with aspergers, felt that i carried a grudge against her. i tried to explain that i was only trying to be assertive. i had asked for the first month's payment to be in advance. she felt that i had been hostile and aggressive with her. she couldn't understand where i was coming from. she wanted to give me some money. she wanted to pay me not to think badly of her. i told her many times that i didn't think badly of her. i told her that she didn't owe me anything. in the end, she sent over the money. she said it was a gift. it was about the same amount i had just spent in the supermarket. it was also, about the same amount i had given the dentist. i didn't get the new job. in the end, the financing fell apart. it wasn't meant to be. it was one less burden on me.
the young gentlemen who are interested in renting my downstairs will be coming over tomorrow to check the place out. i don't know if i should go downstairs and make up the beds now. i also have a prospective tenant coming over on thursday evening to see the roof apartment. can my luck really be changing??? i think that i will go downstairs first thing in the morning, and place a nice table cloth on the kitchen table and maybe put some pretty flowers in a vase. i think i will make up the beds too. what the heck!
tomorrow, the doggie charge will go home. hopefully, i will get paid. it really hasn't been so hard having him here. i may watch him again next month. he is beginning to come to me for affection. cloey dog cannot tolerate this. she is constantly running to chase him away. my life is becoming interesting again. i am feeling like a person. i am beginning to feel important. i am beginning to feel worthy. i am not chasing after the kids or the inlaws. i am just doing my thing after all these years.
Monday, April 23, 2012
A New Start
it is 11:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. i haven't heard from the bank yet, so in the meantime, i hope that i am safe. i didn't get over to the bank yet, either, to see if the welfare check has arrived. if it hasn't come in, i will have to scramble to get over to the welfare office tomorrow morning very early. i have a 10:00 a.m. appointment with the dentist.
i have been bombarded with inquiries about rentals for the past few days. they all seem very promising. however, nothing has been finalized. a few young businessmen want the downstairs for a few months. as usual, i gave a pretty low rental price. i am not a shark. i am trying to survive. there are many places available, in the artist colony and old city. i find myself at a great disadvantage. i know that in august, people will rent anywhere. i can charge a considerable amount, by the night.
i am trying to get the downstairs rented until august. i don't want to bring in a lot of people. i don't want small children running around downstairs. i want quiet. i want civilized tenants. i refuse to suffer like i did last summer, at the mercy of a dememted and shady real estate agent. i am trying to stay positive. i am trying to rebuild my life. i am staying away from anyone who doesn't value me, as a person.
it is not easy being alone. however, i choose to be alone rather than be with people who do not respect and treat me in a loving manner. i am not speaking with a lot of people right now. i am keeping my life to myself. i am not ranting about it anymore. i am projecting confidence and well being. i am not coming off as desperate. the best revenge is to live well. i am here if anyone choses to come to see me. if they don't want to see me, they don't. it is their loss. they all need to see it that way.
i got a job offer to take care of a teenager with aspergers'. i worked with her last winter on a part time basis. i worked very hard. i was paid bubkis. i was then let go out of the blue. i am now being asked to let her move in with me. the pay is nominal. it is only a temporary situation. hopefully, she will be accepted into a group hostel in the near future. i am not doing this because i need to be a caregiver. i am not doing this because i can't stand to be alone. i am doing this because i do have the space and time to give to this job. i can use every shekel i get right now to be solvent. this time around, i asked for the money upfront. i will not chase after payment from anyone again. if the person can't come up with the cash, there is no deal. i refuse to be paid on a weekly basis. i have learned my lesson. naturally, the person was indignant. i couldn't care less. zelda is learning to protect zelda now. if i am not for myself now, then when????
i also have a a lady who wants to rent my upstairs in august. i haven't spoken to the upstairs sister yet. she returned last night without a word. her rental is over in another two weeks. we will see what transpires. i am doing what i can to financially succeed. so far, i haven't seen a penny. i will just hang in there and stay the course. renting, caregiving, dogsitting, you name it. zelda is available.
i have been bombarded with inquiries about rentals for the past few days. they all seem very promising. however, nothing has been finalized. a few young businessmen want the downstairs for a few months. as usual, i gave a pretty low rental price. i am not a shark. i am trying to survive. there are many places available, in the artist colony and old city. i find myself at a great disadvantage. i know that in august, people will rent anywhere. i can charge a considerable amount, by the night.
i am trying to get the downstairs rented until august. i don't want to bring in a lot of people. i don't want small children running around downstairs. i want quiet. i want civilized tenants. i refuse to suffer like i did last summer, at the mercy of a dememted and shady real estate agent. i am trying to stay positive. i am trying to rebuild my life. i am staying away from anyone who doesn't value me, as a person.
it is not easy being alone. however, i choose to be alone rather than be with people who do not respect and treat me in a loving manner. i am not speaking with a lot of people right now. i am keeping my life to myself. i am not ranting about it anymore. i am projecting confidence and well being. i am not coming off as desperate. the best revenge is to live well. i am here if anyone choses to come to see me. if they don't want to see me, they don't. it is their loss. they all need to see it that way.
i got a job offer to take care of a teenager with aspergers'. i worked with her last winter on a part time basis. i worked very hard. i was paid bubkis. i was then let go out of the blue. i am now being asked to let her move in with me. the pay is nominal. it is only a temporary situation. hopefully, she will be accepted into a group hostel in the near future. i am not doing this because i need to be a caregiver. i am not doing this because i can't stand to be alone. i am doing this because i do have the space and time to give to this job. i can use every shekel i get right now to be solvent. this time around, i asked for the money upfront. i will not chase after payment from anyone again. if the person can't come up with the cash, there is no deal. i refuse to be paid on a weekly basis. i have learned my lesson. naturally, the person was indignant. i couldn't care less. zelda is learning to protect zelda now. if i am not for myself now, then when????
i also have a a lady who wants to rent my upstairs in august. i haven't spoken to the upstairs sister yet. she returned last night without a word. her rental is over in another two weeks. we will see what transpires. i am doing what i can to financially succeed. so far, i haven't seen a penny. i will just hang in there and stay the course. renting, caregiving, dogsitting, you name it. zelda is available.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Coping
it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat. i woke up at 7:00 a.m. i am coping with being all alone. the upstairs renter has been gone all week. of course, she never called me to let me know that she wouldn't be here this week. i left the downstairs door open and lit the hallway for the first couple of days, until i finally caught on, that she wasn't here.
i am dogsitting for a friend. i am forced to charge for the favor. i am broke. i am getting a whole $10 a day. whoopee!! i took the 3 dogs out to the end of the street. i had 2 of the dogs on leashes. cookie, the quiet dog, rolled in something disgusting. i had to give her a bath when we returned. it took me a while, to figure out where the horrible smell was coming from. i washed the kitchen floor with a rag and shook lavender oil everywhere. my charge, the male dog, peed and left his mark everywhere. the amount of barking here is astonishing. i hope the neighbors don't complain.
by son came by during the week, to pick up some shoes from downstairs. he had to deal with me as his 'accomplice' upstairs wasn't here. he seemed genuinely humbled. he actually asked how i was, but i couldn't speak to him. he came at 10:30 p.m. as i was dozing off in front of the television. my remote control doesn't work and i simply, can't be bothered to get out of bed to turn off the boob tube every night. i usually wake up in the wee hours of the night and turn it off. i have to disturb the two dogs who are fast sleep on the sofa with me.
my sister suggested that i speak with someone about the situation with my son. i don't have a rabbi to go to. i don't have a mentor. i casually, mentioned the situation to a rebbesson acquaintance of mine, and she seemed genuinely, stunned by the news. i couldn't bring myself to ask her for advise. she is afterall, recovering from a stroke. i have had people suggest that i start a conversation with my son. i guess i am still hurt by the kids' actions. i am missing the grandkids but not really missing their parents. i am like a prisoner missing his jailer. i think that i have to remain silent for now. in reality, nothing has changed. the kids never engaged me in conversation when they were living downstairs. i went entire weeks without seeing and talking to my grandson even though he was right downstairs.
i went back to the welfare office yesterday, to 'face the music'. i was told by the so called manager, that i would have an answer on wednesday. she told me to come back on thursday and ask for her by name. like a puppet, i showed up at 9:30 a.m. on thursday morning. it was packed there, as always, and very noisy. i ran into an old acquaintance there. she travels once a week, to another city, where i need to be for a legal matter. so now, i have a ride, if i ever get it together to put the house in my name.
i asked at the reception desk, for an appointment with the manager. i was told instantly, that it was not possible. the manager was in a meeting until 2:00 p.m. the old lady at the reception desk, didn't have a clue as to how to reach the manager by intercom phone. most government workers here, are hired by 'who they know' and not by what they know. it is called 'protectzia". the dim witted security guard agreed to call the manager for me. she told him that she had never told me to come in to see her. i was advised to take a number and see a regular clerk. surprisingly, i didn't get upset.
i knew from the start, that the clerk wouldn't have a clue as to how to help me. i also knew that there wouldn't be any information on the computer. that is precisely why, i asked to speak with the manager on tuesday. anyway, i quietly explained my situation. the clerk routinely, asked me, once again, for the bank papers, which i had already submitted the month before. amazingly enough, i didn't get upset or raise my voice. i quietly, explained, that i had submitted another set of papers on tuesday, to the manager, herself.
the clerk routinely, called the manager, and was given a number to call. she finally, understood the situation. the official hebrew translation of my parents' wills came in on wednesday. no one could be bothered to process that information. no one cared that i was left without my monthly stipend. no one cares. that's the harsh reality. i was told that i would receive an answer in a few days. no one mentioned, the word check. the office is closed on fridays. it is only open on sundays, tuesdays and thurdays. are we having fun yet??
as i was actually, right across the street form the seniors' center, i stopped in to say hello. i didn't get to speak with the day worker, as she was embroiled in her own battle with the new manager of the center. i said hello to my ladies down the hall and gave out hugs and kisses. everyone was genuinely, happy to see me. not bad for a 'difficult' personality. i even got a lift straight home by a driver. one of the elderly there, is a neighbor of mine.
it was holocaust day here in israel and that means, 24 hours of no televsion broadcasting, except for holocaust and war movies. i couldn't watch any sad movies this year. i am sad enough. i watched ballroom dancing on the internet. i did catch the end of 'escape from sorbibor' late at night. i am a t.v. junkie, shoot me. i simply, could not force myself to watch the old flick 'the great escape'. there was also a recent tom cruise nazi epic, which was too boring for words. i couldn't watch it. in my defense, i did watch several holocaust testimonies on the internet, and cried my eyes out.
i am alone for shabbat. i have 3 dogs here but i am devoid of human company. it is getting annoying. i don't feel like cooking. i don't feel like going to my sister's, either. they start the meal, way too late for me. i also don't want to face my sister's scrutiny of my mouth. i never got the spaces in my teeth, filled in. now she expects me to have them straightened. try explaining, that at 60, you either get implants or dentures. i am not a hollywood starlet. i cannot afford to redo my teeth and face. i do not enjoy the company of dogs. i also, do not enjoy the company of my sister and her family. i am meant to be alone.
i have a small package of chicken breasts in the freezer. i guess that will be my dinner. i have one carrot and one sweet potato left over from pesach, so i will toss them in a pan with the chicken. i have tons of canned tuna in the pantry, and lots of left over whole wheat matzah. i will simply eat, a tiny bit of the matzah, to avoid an allergic reaction. maybe i'll splurge and go out and buy a roll. who knows??
i am dogsitting for a friend. i am forced to charge for the favor. i am broke. i am getting a whole $10 a day. whoopee!! i took the 3 dogs out to the end of the street. i had 2 of the dogs on leashes. cookie, the quiet dog, rolled in something disgusting. i had to give her a bath when we returned. it took me a while, to figure out where the horrible smell was coming from. i washed the kitchen floor with a rag and shook lavender oil everywhere. my charge, the male dog, peed and left his mark everywhere. the amount of barking here is astonishing. i hope the neighbors don't complain.
by son came by during the week, to pick up some shoes from downstairs. he had to deal with me as his 'accomplice' upstairs wasn't here. he seemed genuinely humbled. he actually asked how i was, but i couldn't speak to him. he came at 10:30 p.m. as i was dozing off in front of the television. my remote control doesn't work and i simply, can't be bothered to get out of bed to turn off the boob tube every night. i usually wake up in the wee hours of the night and turn it off. i have to disturb the two dogs who are fast sleep on the sofa with me.
my sister suggested that i speak with someone about the situation with my son. i don't have a rabbi to go to. i don't have a mentor. i casually, mentioned the situation to a rebbesson acquaintance of mine, and she seemed genuinely, stunned by the news. i couldn't bring myself to ask her for advise. she is afterall, recovering from a stroke. i have had people suggest that i start a conversation with my son. i guess i am still hurt by the kids' actions. i am missing the grandkids but not really missing their parents. i am like a prisoner missing his jailer. i think that i have to remain silent for now. in reality, nothing has changed. the kids never engaged me in conversation when they were living downstairs. i went entire weeks without seeing and talking to my grandson even though he was right downstairs.
i went back to the welfare office yesterday, to 'face the music'. i was told by the so called manager, that i would have an answer on wednesday. she told me to come back on thursday and ask for her by name. like a puppet, i showed up at 9:30 a.m. on thursday morning. it was packed there, as always, and very noisy. i ran into an old acquaintance there. she travels once a week, to another city, where i need to be for a legal matter. so now, i have a ride, if i ever get it together to put the house in my name.
i asked at the reception desk, for an appointment with the manager. i was told instantly, that it was not possible. the manager was in a meeting until 2:00 p.m. the old lady at the reception desk, didn't have a clue as to how to reach the manager by intercom phone. most government workers here, are hired by 'who they know' and not by what they know. it is called 'protectzia". the dim witted security guard agreed to call the manager for me. she told him that she had never told me to come in to see her. i was advised to take a number and see a regular clerk. surprisingly, i didn't get upset.
i knew from the start, that the clerk wouldn't have a clue as to how to help me. i also knew that there wouldn't be any information on the computer. that is precisely why, i asked to speak with the manager on tuesday. anyway, i quietly explained my situation. the clerk routinely, asked me, once again, for the bank papers, which i had already submitted the month before. amazingly enough, i didn't get upset or raise my voice. i quietly, explained, that i had submitted another set of papers on tuesday, to the manager, herself.
the clerk routinely, called the manager, and was given a number to call. she finally, understood the situation. the official hebrew translation of my parents' wills came in on wednesday. no one could be bothered to process that information. no one cared that i was left without my monthly stipend. no one cares. that's the harsh reality. i was told that i would receive an answer in a few days. no one mentioned, the word check. the office is closed on fridays. it is only open on sundays, tuesdays and thurdays. are we having fun yet??
as i was actually, right across the street form the seniors' center, i stopped in to say hello. i didn't get to speak with the day worker, as she was embroiled in her own battle with the new manager of the center. i said hello to my ladies down the hall and gave out hugs and kisses. everyone was genuinely, happy to see me. not bad for a 'difficult' personality. i even got a lift straight home by a driver. one of the elderly there, is a neighbor of mine.
it was holocaust day here in israel and that means, 24 hours of no televsion broadcasting, except for holocaust and war movies. i couldn't watch any sad movies this year. i am sad enough. i watched ballroom dancing on the internet. i did catch the end of 'escape from sorbibor' late at night. i am a t.v. junkie, shoot me. i simply, could not force myself to watch the old flick 'the great escape'. there was also a recent tom cruise nazi epic, which was too boring for words. i couldn't watch it. in my defense, i did watch several holocaust testimonies on the internet, and cried my eyes out.
i am alone for shabbat. i have 3 dogs here but i am devoid of human company. it is getting annoying. i don't feel like cooking. i don't feel like going to my sister's, either. they start the meal, way too late for me. i also don't want to face my sister's scrutiny of my mouth. i never got the spaces in my teeth, filled in. now she expects me to have them straightened. try explaining, that at 60, you either get implants or dentures. i am not a hollywood starlet. i cannot afford to redo my teeth and face. i do not enjoy the company of dogs. i also, do not enjoy the company of my sister and her family. i am meant to be alone.
i have a small package of chicken breasts in the freezer. i guess that will be my dinner. i have one carrot and one sweet potato left over from pesach, so i will toss them in a pan with the chicken. i have tons of canned tuna in the pantry, and lots of left over whole wheat matzah. i will simply eat, a tiny bit of the matzah, to avoid an allergic reaction. maybe i'll splurge and go out and buy a roll. who knows??
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself
it is 8:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat. i had to cancel my dental appointment this morning. i was supposed to have the spaces on my front teeth filled. i also nneded to have the plate tightened. it is virtually, useless, at this point. i am still chewing only on the left side of my mouth.
i didn't get my welfare check this month. i brought in the information they requested, well over a month ago. at first, i received letters that they hadn't received the information. i ran to the bank and had statements made for the past three months. i also, had copies made of my parents' wills. i put all of the above into a special envelope and put it into the information box inside the office.
i spent a morning at the office before pesach. i explained my dilema to the clerk. she said that the information i supposedly left, wasn't on the computer yet. she told me not to worry and that it would all be okay. she said that eventually, it would turn up. i of course, told her that if i didn't get my monthly check, things would not be okay at all. she asked me why i thought that i wouldn't be getting my check. afterall, i had gotten the previous month's check. she even called over my friend, to explain to me in english that it was all okay.
well it is not okay right now. i am in a sheer panic that all my checks will return. i am once again, deeply in overdraft. i really thought that i could catch up this month. i even deposited a bunch of cash. without my check, i'm done. i can't seem to catch a break. i went back to the office today to make more copies. i put a 5 shekel coin into the copy machine and got ripped off. i complained to the security guard but he said that it wasn't possible. he told me that i probably thought that i put in the 5 shekels but actually, only put in a 10 cent piece by mistake.
i started yelling. i had not been able to sleep the night before. i had finally dozed off at 6:00 a.m. i was livid. the copy machine ate my carefare home. i was ready to kill. i demanded to see the manager of the office. the place was packed. the clerk told me to put the bank copies that i had brought into an envelope and place it inside the infamous box. i went mad. i started yelling once again.
the lady manager told me to wait a moment. she 'officially' explained that the copy machine was an independent entity. she had no authority over it. i would like to see what would happen at social security or even the post office in the states if that happened. she then took all of my paper work and disappeared into an office. she came back later on and further explained that because the wills were in english, they had to be sent to tel aviv to be translated.
i was told that i would receive an answer tomorrow. i was then told to return to the office on thursday. i am waiting to receive an answer as to whether i will receive my check this month or any time in the future. i am in panic mode. they don't seem to care. why should they worry if the bank closes down my checking account. i am freaking out. i don't know what i did to end up in such financial trouble. perhaps, heaven wants me to understand the kids' plight first hand.
i don't know what to do with myself. shopping is out. anything to do with money is out. house repairs is out right now. someone offered 2 free couches for the taking. i called her last night and asked if they were available. she told me that she hadn't gotten much of a response. i asked if they could be held until this evening so i could secure a pickup. i hired a young guy to bring them. the lady asked me to call her in the morning. since i woke up late, i emailed her my plan. she wrote back that although she agreed to let me have them, someone else had asked before me. she was giving them to him. i don't get people. do you????? i felt awful when the young man called about the pickup.
this morning, after i left the welfare office, i went over to town. i saw my granddaughter with her 19 year old aunt in front of the bank. i stopped by for a moment to say hi to the baby. i sat down on a bench for about 5 minutes, talking with the baby. she giggled and smiled and baby talked to me. her sephardi grandma came out of the bank and gave me a 'cool' hello. she asked me how i was. of course, i said that i was okay. i really wanted to rant to her that her witch daughter wanted me dead. i wanted to scream about how unfair it was that i didn't get to see my grandchildren. i merely, wished her a 'cool' goodbye.
i walked home in the heat. i thought about visiting my sister. i couldn't face her negative reaction to my teeth spaces not being filled in. i sadly walked home. i had absolutely, nothing to do. the laundry is done, the house is clean. i washed the floor yesterday. this is not the time traditionally, to listen to music. i am going bonkers. i just don't know what to do with myself. i can't stop thinking of how the kids have nothing to do with me. i am torturing myself all the time. i can't seem to stop.
i cooked a huge pot of brown rice and green lentils for dinner. i had a can of tuna and a ton of walnuts and almonds. i must have eaten 6 bowls of rice and lentils. i am going nuts. i am miserable. i can't think of a single thing that would make me feel good. woe to me!
i didn't get my welfare check this month. i brought in the information they requested, well over a month ago. at first, i received letters that they hadn't received the information. i ran to the bank and had statements made for the past three months. i also, had copies made of my parents' wills. i put all of the above into a special envelope and put it into the information box inside the office.
i spent a morning at the office before pesach. i explained my dilema to the clerk. she said that the information i supposedly left, wasn't on the computer yet. she told me not to worry and that it would all be okay. she said that eventually, it would turn up. i of course, told her that if i didn't get my monthly check, things would not be okay at all. she asked me why i thought that i wouldn't be getting my check. afterall, i had gotten the previous month's check. she even called over my friend, to explain to me in english that it was all okay.
well it is not okay right now. i am in a sheer panic that all my checks will return. i am once again, deeply in overdraft. i really thought that i could catch up this month. i even deposited a bunch of cash. without my check, i'm done. i can't seem to catch a break. i went back to the office today to make more copies. i put a 5 shekel coin into the copy machine and got ripped off. i complained to the security guard but he said that it wasn't possible. he told me that i probably thought that i put in the 5 shekels but actually, only put in a 10 cent piece by mistake.
i started yelling. i had not been able to sleep the night before. i had finally dozed off at 6:00 a.m. i was livid. the copy machine ate my carefare home. i was ready to kill. i demanded to see the manager of the office. the place was packed. the clerk told me to put the bank copies that i had brought into an envelope and place it inside the infamous box. i went mad. i started yelling once again.
the lady manager told me to wait a moment. she 'officially' explained that the copy machine was an independent entity. she had no authority over it. i would like to see what would happen at social security or even the post office in the states if that happened. she then took all of my paper work and disappeared into an office. she came back later on and further explained that because the wills were in english, they had to be sent to tel aviv to be translated.
i was told that i would receive an answer tomorrow. i was then told to return to the office on thursday. i am waiting to receive an answer as to whether i will receive my check this month or any time in the future. i am in panic mode. they don't seem to care. why should they worry if the bank closes down my checking account. i am freaking out. i don't know what i did to end up in such financial trouble. perhaps, heaven wants me to understand the kids' plight first hand.
i don't know what to do with myself. shopping is out. anything to do with money is out. house repairs is out right now. someone offered 2 free couches for the taking. i called her last night and asked if they were available. she told me that she hadn't gotten much of a response. i asked if they could be held until this evening so i could secure a pickup. i hired a young guy to bring them. the lady asked me to call her in the morning. since i woke up late, i emailed her my plan. she wrote back that although she agreed to let me have them, someone else had asked before me. she was giving them to him. i don't get people. do you????? i felt awful when the young man called about the pickup.
this morning, after i left the welfare office, i went over to town. i saw my granddaughter with her 19 year old aunt in front of the bank. i stopped by for a moment to say hi to the baby. i sat down on a bench for about 5 minutes, talking with the baby. she giggled and smiled and baby talked to me. her sephardi grandma came out of the bank and gave me a 'cool' hello. she asked me how i was. of course, i said that i was okay. i really wanted to rant to her that her witch daughter wanted me dead. i wanted to scream about how unfair it was that i didn't get to see my grandchildren. i merely, wished her a 'cool' goodbye.
i walked home in the heat. i thought about visiting my sister. i couldn't face her negative reaction to my teeth spaces not being filled in. i sadly walked home. i had absolutely, nothing to do. the laundry is done, the house is clean. i washed the floor yesterday. this is not the time traditionally, to listen to music. i am going bonkers. i just don't know what to do with myself. i can't stop thinking of how the kids have nothing to do with me. i am torturing myself all the time. i can't seem to stop.
i cooked a huge pot of brown rice and green lentils for dinner. i had a can of tuna and a ton of walnuts and almonds. i must have eaten 6 bowls of rice and lentils. i am going nuts. i am miserable. i can't think of a single thing that would make me feel good. woe to me!
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