Monday Morning

it is 6:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  the dog's yelping woke me up.  she still seems paralyzed and can't stand on her legs.  she is so stressed out.  she is able to drink some milk and eat a bit of tuna but can't navigate by herself.  the weather has changed.  it is very cold and stormy.  there went the summer like heat wave.  I have the beginning of a migraine.  yesterday my daughter-I-law had one.  she was on her way to the gym,  I begged her not to go.  the last time she went to gym in that condition she ended up in the emergency room and they performed a brain CT.

she came right back and went to bed.  I was in the process of raiding her fridge.  although I do not eat after 7:00 p.m., I am not shedding those unsightly extra pounds.  I know I consume a lot of calories and live a pretty stationery life.  the dog is crying and I don't know what else to do.  I gave her tramadol drops, a piece of an anti-inflammatory and a half of an antioxidant pill. I wish the vet would just put her out of her misery.  I don't really think that I can afford it.

it cost over $150 here.  I keep on petting her and trying to soothe her.  I can't take it.  she had to pish  in her bed.  it smells horrible.  she smells like a dead thing already.  the other dogs are very solicitous of her.  my head is sore and I'm overtired.  my eyes are burning.  I had the kids out in the park yesterday for a picnic and  a bit of exercise.  I splurged on cashews, popcorn and potato chips on them.  I also indulged in the nuts myself.  I never got lunch yesterday.  I have a wedding in a week and half and I was hoping to drop another five pounds. oh well....

my son came home relatively calm last night.  he was not able to shower the kids and put them to bed type of calm, but better than he left, type of calm.   he had closed his gallery and gone off to visit the grave sight of a tsadick in Meron.  good for him.  I think we are all holding on for dear life.  my back is throbbing.  I should be cleaning the house from  puppy's diarrhea attack yesterday, but I have no strength.  my friend in the old age home called me last night to tell me that I'm not needed today.  she is in charge of her own visitation now.  she went through her phone book with someone else and comprised  a list of women she liked to see.  slowly, slowly I am being pushed out of the picture.

I still get calls and emails from other women who are visiting.  we are all comparing notes.  everyone has her own thoughts about how to proceed.  I seem to be the only one who thinks her exit from this world is coming closer in time.  everyone else is waiting for a miracle.  I took the time to read about living with brain tumors even though it was too close for comfort for me.  I did call the hospital and schedule my next MRI.  I don't know what my future will hold and how my tumor will present problems either.  I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette with my brain tumor sometimes.

I don't have the kids today.  their mother splurged on tickets to see a kid's show.  if it was warm and sunny I'd me mopping the floors right now.  I think I will curl up in bed and watch 'the Blacklist'. on VOD.  I don't feel well.  I  think that I will just go back to sleep.