Enter Simcha

it is 2:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I have spent the morning on the phone with friends.  no food shopping, cooking or cleaning today.  the kids gave me the good news that we were all invited out for Shabbat.  we are going to the Sephardi family for Shabbat.  the kids haven't had a Shabbat out in months.  I am excited for the grand kids and I am totally relieved that I have nothing to do.

I am tired and very sad.  a very old friend is dying.  I spent 9 days in the hospital with her and have been visiting her often at the old age home.  I watch the daily decline and I block it out.  yesterday it finally hit me and I started crying.  it started me reliving the final days of my mom, too.  I thought I had worked out my emotional issues with my mom a long time ago.  she's been gone for7 years.  I started dreaming of my mom and reliving fights.  I am in a very vulnerable place.

we just heralded in the new month of Adar.  Purim is just around the corner.  we are supposed to be with joy and increase the amount each day.  I can't get there yet.  I am in mourning mode.  I come home from the old age home with medical issues each week.  I have been experiencing headaches and leg and back pains.  I usually collapse over Shabbat.  I will need to walk home from the Sephardi family tonight.  I haven't walked in a long time. I am completely out of shape.  I seem to absorb my friend's physical limitations, too.  I feel like I'm 90 years old instead of 64.

last night I took the kids to the local synagogue for a festive meal and evening of music.  there was food for days.  we sat at a semi empty table and I sampled all the salads.  they were great.  I don't eat after 7:00 p.m. anymore.  I have lost about 3 pounds.  big deal!  I need to shed at least another 20.  my good girlfriend who lives on the next block, told me about not eating at night.  they were barbecuing tons of chicken and the kids wanted some.  it was taking a long time and the kids were getting antsy.  my grandson was getting bent out of shape.  they are usually in bed by 8:00 p.m..

my skinny granddaughter was having salads and pickles and was in her element.  my chubby grandson was getting whiney and desperate.  luckily, my friend's husband took my grandson outside to find him some meat.  then they started bringing  in tons of more salads, barekas, pitas, kugel, and all kinds of pastry dough objects filled with meat.  I had a plate of chumus toppled with chopped meat.  my girlfriend told me that chumus is fattening.. oh well.  I got some chicken for the grandkids and they were finally happy.  they had soft drinks and I helped myself to a shot of arak. 

at 9:00 p.m. my granddaughter was falling asleep in my lap and my grandson was shoving barekas into his mouth.  I got up to leave.  the Sephardi ladies asked why I was leaving while the music was just starting.  I had the kids as my excuse.  the truth is I was tired and a bit heart broken.  I had a rough day at the  old age home.  my granddaughter wanted me to carry her home.  I could not.  we managed o get home and I still needed to shower the kids.  my son came home but as usual, was in no shape to shower the kids.

he currently has a bruised rib.  it may be cracked.  who knows?  the kids passed out and my son recounted his 'war' stories of working on the gallery row in the old city.  he was talked out so I wished him goodnight.  I dragged my body upstairs and let the dogs out.  I think one of my old dogs is dying.  she's lost her bark.  she lets out sounds like a crying baby.  I have no patience.  I want a moment to feel joy.  enough death!!  at around 200 a.m. I started to cry.  I feel so sad.  and I am fatigued.