A Hard Day's Night

it is 7:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I am in an emotional tail spin.  it was another nasty day today, cold and stormy.  I didn't plan on going outside.  my dog continues to wake me up in the middle of the night, seemingly in pain.  I tried to reach another vet this morning but his cell phone has been changed, I think.  I need a second opinion.   I need someone to tell me to put this dog down and quote me a reasonable price.  I think I will have to schlepp the dog by taxi on Friday morning to the clinic.

in the meanwhile the house stinks of pish and diarrhea.   all three dogs smell awful.  it is too cold to start bathing them.  I felt obligated to call my old friend in the old age home today and ask her if she wanted me to visit..  she had called me each day this week not to come out to see her.  I thought that she was looking out for me and I later realized that she was simply looking out for her money.

I had initially refused payment for my nine day stint with her at the hospital.  I did allow her to reimburse my cab fares.    and this was after a lot of exertion on her part.  I was not planning on going to the old age home a lot.  I felt that my participation was less needed.  I went a few times and once again she wanted to reimburse me for the taxis.  I guess I was giving mixed messages.   I have always found it hard to ask for money.

today when I called, she sounded very vulnerable and I think I heard her cry.  I asked her if she would like me to visit and she told me to come.  I got there before lunch and she was still resting in bed.  I tried to encourage her to keep on resting until lunch.  she tried to get caught up with me because I hadn't seen her in 6 days.  I have been in touch with every person who has gone to visit her and have had several long phone calls with women friends about her.  I did feel the shift in my involvement  as the key person at the home. 

I was officially off the hook so I don't know why I tried to get sucked back in.  she made it quite clear to everyone that she no longer required a visit in the morning or at lunch time.  that was primarily the time I went to see her.  I understand it all now.  I became a financial burden to her.  after she finished her lunch, she made her way back to her room to pay me.  she wanted to give me 50 shekels for my taxi rides for one day.  she only had 200 shekel notes and went into a bit of a panic.  she told me that she would pay me next time.

I don't know why I told her to give me the 200 today.  I offered to get change for her and then I offered the money back to her because she seemed desperate.  she didn't accept the 200 shekel note back and told me to keep a record of my taxi rides.  I think that I was feeling desperate because I knew that I needed money to pay the vet to put the dog down.  I felt awful when I left.  I think my friend was totally okay and calm when I left.  I cannot get calm.  I am fit to be tied.  I feel like she was playing mind games with me.

I never asked this woman for a dime.  she got very distressed when I didn't take the money.  she told me last week that even though she knew I didn't like to take money she needed to pay me.  I kept trying to qualify that she was reimbursing me for my cab fares and I guess, not for my time with her.  today before she ate her lunch, she said that she needed to pay me.  once again, I tried to encourage her to have her lunch before we got down to 'high finances'. 

she mentioned more than once today that everyone else who came to visit her did so for the mitzvah but she paid only me.  I just wasn't getting it.  I thought that she was rewarding me for my valiant effort to be with her and watch over her.  I don't know how many times I said that she didn't have to pay for my cab fares.  I took money from her because I thought that she would be hurt if I didn't.  what a mess I got mysef into.  I want to go tomorrow and return the money and tell her that it was all a misunderstanding and that I don't want any more money to transpire between us ever again.

I know that this a sign of her ongoing senility but it is also a sign of my financial vulnerability and desperation.  my son gave me a whole lecture on not taking her money but in the end, he doesn't give me rent or pay me for watching his kids all the time.  and I'm spending money that I do not have on buying food for Shabbat every week.  I spent a small fortune on the vet this week and next week I have a wedding to go to.  I'm not even thinking of pesach yet.