School's Out For Summer Again

it is 6:00 p.m. in the hoy city of zefat.  it is hard to believe that the schools already end tomorrow.  my grandchildren are still not signed up for day camp.  I am actually going on a job interview tomorrow.  it is a part time office position.  I am truly not up for it but I am going to see it through.  I haven't worked in an office in over a decade and I am not truly computer literate.

I can email and blog.  that's about it.  I once worked on word and excel but that was a long time ago.  for the past 15 years I worked as a caregiver.  I took care of both of my parents until their deaths and then raised my grandson for two years.  I was finally out of the house after ten years and got a job cooking in a yeshiva.  that was nearly 3 years ago.  I got cervical cancer and I underwent the traditional treatment.  I survived.  it's been a long haul and I'm still not back to myself.  I am cancer free and just turned 64.  I have turned myself into a virtual shut in.

I hardly ever go to town.  I leave town 2-3 times a year to go to a hospital in tel aviv.   I hardly get dressed.  I spend almost every afternoon with my grandchildren.  I get to visit a friend in the neighborhood once a week.  I spend most of my time in bed watching reality shows.  I don't read the news.  I never check my bank balance or pick up my mail.  I recently got into a real financial pickle.  I had to beg friends and family members to bail me out.  I have made some really disastrous financial mistakes since my mom passed away 6 years ago.

I have pretty much hit rock bottom financially.  unfortunately, I am in good company here.  these are supposed to be the golden years, right?  my brother, the psychologist, wired me a few bucks and then launched into a rather long motivational speech about making tough choices.  the biggie is getting my son to pay me rent.  that's a huge one.  another one is to go back into public housing.  that ship left the port years ago.  I have been struggling to hold onto my house for the past 6 years.  is it wrong to want to remain in one's own home of 15 years.  is it unreasonable to want to keep one's home for the future?

I was admonished for making Shabbat meals every week when I cannot really afford to.  I have sold all of my gold jewelry and taken out bank loans to pay for Pessach and Rosh Hashanna food expenses.  I get it.  I can not take out any more loans.  I can not write out any more supermarket checks, either.  the kids must contribute.  they must supply some food some of the time.  it is a harsh reality not to be able to feed your loved ones.  so I am going to look for a part time job.  I will probably earn enough money to buy some food for Shabbat.  whoopee!

this is the age when a lot of people retire.  this is not the age that people return to the work field.  it isn't the age to babysit grandchildren every day either.  I blew my inheritance on the kids.  I cannot get an income from the downstairs apartment because the kids are living there rent free.  they had a failed business venture which left them financially crippled, which in turn, left me financially crippled. it is truly a vicious cycle.  I am an enabler.  I know it.  everyone tells me that I'm a fool.

my brother's message was to take care of zelda.  I don't know what that means.  I have been the caregiver for many years.  I have never been a recipient of that care giving.  I don't know how to take care of myself.  I haven't bought a thing for myself in many years.  I don't buy new clothes because I have gained a ton of weight.  I have gained a lot of weight because I am so frustrated about the financial situation.  I was so happy when I worked in the yeshiva.  I was treated with so much respect.  the young men there, unlike my own son, wanted to engage me in conversation.  I was a caregiver once again, but everyone appreciated me.  here I am treated as a live in servant.

even the little kids boss me around.  I have a lot of hard choices to make. if I get the job, the daughter-in-law will have to find daycare help for the kids.  she is quite willing to pay a stranger to watch the kids but compensating me for my time is anathema to her.  the times they are a changing!!  I will have to leave the house a few times a week.  right now I go to town once a month and sometimes less.  we will just have to see what happens tomorrow.  hopefully, she'll get the kids into a day camp tomorrow and i'll get a new job.  stranger things have happened.