Live And Learn

it is 8:15 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I 'slept in' this morning.  I have been getting up at 6:00 a.m. every morning.  I start my day by throwing a few buckets of bleach water all over the floor as the dogs are still making all over the house.  I have to admit to my latest binge watching of the new season of Orange Is The New Black series.  I was 'surfing' the channels on Saturday night and, lo and behold, they showed the first 7 episodes in the middle of the night.  I believe they ended at 5:30 a.m.  I was nearly beside myself.

I fell in and out of sleep while I watched all of the 7 episodes and finally passed out after 6:00 a.m.  I was a sheer zombie on Sunday.  taking care of the kids was not an easy feat.  I couldn't wait for their mother to come home.  she finally came back after 5:30 p.m.  I didn't say a word. I raced myself upstairs and went to bed.  I felt totally depleted.  I can't pull all nighters at this age and still feel normal.

on Sunday evening I discovered that the entire series was available on cable to I watched nearly all of the 14 episodes.  I know, I'm bad.  anyhow, I was very tired yesterday.  every moment with the kids was like having a bad toothache.  I kept on checking the clock.  I was nearly out of my mind at 5:30 p.m.  the kids were just being their winy true selves.  nothing out of the ordinary.  I  just wanted to be upstairs in my own space.  I wanted to visit a friend. I wanted out of my house and to be away from the dogs and the kids.

 I watch the kids every day for a minimum of 2-3 hours.  it's usually more and I end up babysitting at night too.  I need a break.  the long summer break starts in another two weeks.  I am literally dreading it.  I am trying to get a job just to get out of the house and be away from babysitting.  I gave up my sports classes and yoga to help raise my grandson.  now I'm totally out of shape.  the heat is killing me.  I can't deal with being outside.  I can't stand being in, either.

yesterday, at 5:30 p.m., I heard the phone ring.  I was outside with the kids. I had given up on their mother coming home at a reasonable hour.  I quickly ran upstairs and I discovered that the 'puppy' had ripped apart my very expensive American Comfort lounge chair.  there had been a small crack in the leather which I was planning on taping later on.  I was livid.  my son called again.  he wanted to know if I could stay with the kids while he and his wife went out.  she wanted to do some shopping.  this entailed feeding and bathing and putting the kids to sleep which entailed staying downstairs for many more hours.

while I'm downstairs, the dogs are tearing my house apart.  they pee and mess all over and eat the coach.  they bark and make noise and I'm always running upstairs to check on what's going on.  while I'm upstairs the kids are trashing the house and bothering the dogs and drawing on my walls.  I can't win.  the kids run in and out of the house, allowing the dogs to run downstairs and pee downstairs.  I catch it when their mother comes home from work.  I find that I'm always on the defensive with her.

I had wanted to go to the supermarket and buy what I need for my dinner party tomorrow night.  I also had some cash, thanks to a good friend, and I wanted to stock the freezer.  the kids offered to take me to the supermarket.  I declined.  I wanted to be alone.  I wanted to browse and check out the sales.  I did offer to watch the kids after they were asleep but it didn't work for their parents.  they finally came home after midnight.  I felt so guilty that the kids were schlepped around on a school night.  however, that's the choice of their parents.  I have to learn to say no and not feel guilty.

I went off by myself and shopped for a couple of hours.  I was able to buy a lot of frozen chicken and fish at very reasonable prices.  and the best thing is that I didn't write out any more rubber checks.  that's right.  my bank returned several of my checks and I had to SOS my family and a friend for money. it was most unpleasant to say the least.  I nearly lost my bank account.  I've been with this bank for 30 years but I am not considered or treated like a valued client.  no one is.

I was able to buy some frozen wild salmon for the same price that I pay for a few cans of tuna. I'm trying very hard to lose weight.  it isn't really budging yet but I'm still trying.  I know that I consume way too many calories for my inactive lifestyle but, never the less, I haven't had any cake or chocolate in nearly a month.  I also bought chicken and turkey breast at a real discount.  I will be able to make chicken fingers and stir fry out of just one package.  I think I have enough food to last for a couple of months of Shabbat meals. I am so fortunate to have such a loving support system. in a way, I do feel very ghetto running out and buying food with charity but it's all about surviving, after all.

I ended up buying non dairy ice cream.  I had collected several recipes to make my own but in the end, it was much cheaper to buy it. oh well.  I cooked my navy beans and black eyed peas already. I'm hoping to make the chili today.  if not, i'll try to clean the house and do the cooking in the a.m.  right now I'm feeling tired.  my life isn't my own.  I am in a losing situation and I know it. it wears me out to talk about it.  even making a small dinner party is weighing on my mind.