The Day Of Reckoning

it is 10:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I am just getting started for the night.  I have a date for my brain surgery.  it has been changed four times.  the secretary willy nilly, chose a date for me. I was not consulted.  I freaked out.  it was not historically, a lucky day for the Jews. it was on a fast day, to boot.  we changed it to the following Monday and I started telling people.  I then received a phone message that it had been postponed to a Thursday.  the new manager wanted it that way.  here, I thought I had a chance of recovering enough to get home before Shabbat.  I freaked out once again and started ranting on the secretary about being alone on shabbat and not having kosher Shabbat food.

she threatened to cancel the date.  I could no longer reach her at the usual phone number. the message machine went on automatically and it wouldn't record outside messages.  I was given another number which got me no where.  I finally faxed the witch and was told that the date was in tact.  my sister offered to come up on Thursday for the surgery and stay in the hospital on Shabbat.  I started to think that I might be too out of it to even know that she was there.  now the surgery has been moved up a day and it will now be on Wednesday.  my sister works on Wednesday.  I will probably be in intensive care on Thursday and possibly on Shabbat.  I probably won't be eating and I don't know about drinking. I have now read up on craniotomy.  I am scared and shaking. I am inconsolable.  I am hopeless.  I am a coward.  I am okay during the day.  I run around every day getting the necessary medical papers for me and my friend who has cancer.

when I come home after dark, I become fearful.  I start ranting.  I haven't ranted since I started going to CoDa meetings. I started binge eating instead.  I have now successfully stopped binge eating.  I fit into a skirt that I couldn't close last month.  I have now returned to raging and ranting once, again.  I haven't had any carbs or sugar in about a month.  I have been eating tons of salads and protein.  I am afraid that my kidney function might be a bit compromised from all the protein. I have to do blood tests and an EKG and a chest ex ray pretty soon.  I am afraid that they might discover that I am diabetic, or suffering from heart and kidney failure.  I am afraid that my cancer might be coming back.  I am afraid that my lungs may be polluted.

I almost want there to be another medical issue that will cancel out the surgery. I was so very fit and healthy when I went away to do the cancer treatment.  I was in very good shape.  I go to see my gyn/oncologist on Wednesday.  I am afraid that I might start ranting on him about this surgery. he is a saintly man but he is not versed in neurosurgery.  I am afraid of going to the hospital on Wednesday. I remember lying down and sobbing uncontrollably while I was being examined by the radiologist and a nurse.  that was about four years ago.  I had just been told that I was in remission and a moment later I was told that they had discovered a brain tumor in the pet scan.  I have been troubled by this news ever since.  I am so far, asymptomatic.  I have been monitored for the past four years.  I have been 'scared straigh't of late, into doing the surgery.

when I told the doctor that I had agreed to do the surgery, I never meant now. when I said after Chanukah, I didn't mean the next day.  I was thinking about a few months after Chanukah but not now. after reading up on the procedure and all of the horrific side effects that could happen for which the surgery was meant to prevent, I am in a sheer panic.  it is so very cold here and I start to shake.  during the day it's warmer and I have been trying to do a bit of walking.  I want to cancel the surgery. I choose quality of life over longevity.  I am only 65.  I don't want to reach 80 being an invalid.

I have been reading all kinds of stories online about brain surgery survivors and their current trials.  I am supposed to be a woman of faith.  I was so strong during the cancer. why has this benign growth taken over my spirit and belief system. I have been a recovered drug addict for over 30 years and now I am going to be loaded up on all kinds of opiates, and pills.  I don't even take headache tablets.  this is going to be very interesting.  I made an appointment for a local brain surgeon.  I have a long list of questions. I want him to point to the exact place on my head where they will drill, saw, wire up, and open to expose my brain.  I want answers.  why didn't I ever ask the surgeon fromTel Aviv, to explain this 'procedure' to me before this.  I did have 4 years.