Changes

it is 9:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I woke up at 5:00 a.m.  and let the dogs out.  I thought the heat wave broke last night as there was finally air circulating through out the house.  it was actually windy and chairs were flying.  well, it's hot once again now.  I sat outside with the gardener as he took his coffee break and we got caught up.  he instructed me to tell my son that the downstairs is littered with filth and destroying the garden.  I chose not to tell him about the current situation. 

my son came out with my grandchildren and gave the gardener a warm hello.  he instructed the kids to hug their grandmother.  this is the first time that I've seen them since last Friday.  the children just stared at me.  only my grandson came close to me.  he just stared at me.  my granddaughter didn't come over.  they look a bit traumatized.  maybe I'm wrong.  maybe they were just too busy to say hello to their grandmother.  after all, they are 4 1/2 and 6 1/2 now.  surely, they are too grown up now to take notice of me.  I told them both that I am still their grandmother.  they clung to their father and went off.

there have been a lot of changes this past week.  for one; no one came upstairs to use the bathroom.  how did they ever manage with only one toilet downstairs?  for years, my son and grandchildren have been running upstairs in the morning to urinate.  no one spoke to me the entire week.  the grandchildren always run upstairs to get a toy or a treat or to pet the dogs.  most important, no one asked me to babysit.  I guess they tapped into new resources of child care.  for the first time in over a year they went out for Shabbat meals and I didn't have to take care of the kids all day. 

I stayed home on Friday night and had a tuna sandwich for supper.  I didn't feel like cooking.  luckily, I had a bag of pitas in the house and a bottle of grape juice.  I had a good novel to read and I enjoyed the quiet.  after the kids came home from work I saw my grandson in the pool.  I was very tempted to wave hello from my balcony.  I chose not too wave.  a moment later my son was also in the pool so I came back into my house.  I saw the kids in front of the house leaving with one of the aunts on Thursday.  I wanted to run outside and say hello but I didn't.

I am sure that the grandkids feel abandoned by me but I refuse to blame myself.  their parents are angry with me and choose to use their kids as currency with which to punish me.  I have had a whole week to contemplate the situation.  yes, I had agita most of the week but i am finally feeling stabilized.  I see the whole picture.  I see my role as enabler.  I refuse to come off as an invalid or weak person anymore.  I will let this scenario play itself out.   I will try to find my center.  I am through playing savior.