Getting Out Again

it is 8:45 a.m. and i am very tired.  i actually got out yesterday and went to a funeral.  a lovely lady who used to help care for my mom lost her husband.  he was about 50 years old.  they had 4 children.  she is left to care for 2 teenage girls and 2 small boys.  i think the youngest is 6 years old.  they were separated and living in two separate dwellings but the husband definitely spent a lot of time with the kids.  the husband worked in the local college teaching english.

he apparently was well liked by the staff and students. i wasn't  planning on going out.  it was rather windy and my eye was hurting.  i wanted to be there for the wife.  this was the first of many funerals lately in the english speaking community of zefat.  it seems that we have been losing members of our tight knit group every month.  everyone is reeling from all the trauma.  there was a pre purim party planned for last night which was, of course, cancelled.  i wasn't planning on attending.

the funeral was called for 3:00 p.m.  i had an early lift there but i declined.  i didn't think i could make it.  at 2:30 p.m. i snuck outside to check out the wind.  it was very warm and still.  i rushed into the shower and got dressed.  i called for a taxi and got there about 3:15 p.m.  the oldest teenaged girl, all of 18 years,  was a wreck.  she was wailing.  she actually took to lying on the temporary coffin and screaming 'abba' for about a half an hour until her mom got her up and out of there.

i ran into some old friends who seemed glad to see me.  the man was buried very close to my parents' graves so i got to visit them for a moment.  i actually, also, threw myself on both of my parents' graves and begged them to pray and intercede for our family's welfare.  i was 18 when i lost my grandmother.  i was left at home with her and i can still remember the hospice nurse telling me that she had passed on.  my poor grandma had been ravaged from cancer.  she was in her 70's and back in the 60's there was no treatment for cancer.  i remember being very quiet and sad.  i remember that she was the first dead person that i had ever seen.  we were very sheltered as kids and never told about the passing of relatives.

my grandmother's funeral was a first for me.  i remember wanting to jump in to the open grave after her.  it has haunted me for years.  i used to take my very young son with me to funerals.  i was reacting to being overly sheltered by my parents.  i wanted him to be a 'man' and see the way we jews ritually bury our dead.  i wanted it to be a natural part of life for him, a mitzvah.   all i could think of yesterday, was how my son and family would deal with my burial.  i know that i was being very morbid.  i dreamt of death last week.  since i took the remedy, i have been remembering my dreams after a long dry spell.  i dreamt that i had died but i was still here.  it was so frustrating because no one could see or hear me.  i was trying to speak to the grand kids but they couldn't hear me.  i remember being so close to them and blowing into their ears to get their attention.  some dream!

after the funeral i got a lift home.  i stopped off to see my friend on the next block.  i say that but it's really about 4 streets away.  i remember when i met her i told her that i lived 'down the street' from her.  when she finally came to visit she let me know that i did not live down the street.  in fact, she let me know that i lived 'up' the street and that it was quite an uphill incline.  before my illness, i was quite the walker.  not so much, now.

i still have to make shabbat for the kids, and i am simply too tired to function right now.  i can't imagine cooking today.  i am spent.  between running  to the electric company and the funeral, i'm done.  i think it will be a simple meal this week.  i might give over the veggies to the daughter-in-law and have her make the salads.  maybe we'll buy some cakes, too.

i am trying to get a few ladies to come over after the fast of esther next month, for a purim gathering.  i want to make some sangria and make a cheese spread.  i want to keep it very simple.  my friend wants to play her organ so we could party on down to her place.  i know it's hard because it's after a fast and most of us are busy making shabbat meals.  i am still going to try to do this.  i don't even feel the need to do a full costume.  perhaps heavy eye make up or fake tattoo.  we shall see who is willing to come out.  at least i'm thinking about it.