To Better Days

it is 10:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i have decided to attend a class in honor of  a friend who recently passed on.  she was a practitioner of chinese medicine and reached out to all of the english speaking population in zefat.  i heard that there was a huge turnout for her funeral.  i didn't make it there.

i had two appointments at sheba hospital in tel aviv that morning.  i read psalms for her all the way to tel aviv.  i had a strong feeling that she was passing away. as i heard it be told, the doctors told her that she had three days left.  how they knew, i'll never understand.  the hardest thing to comprehend was how a person who recently seemed and looked totally well, died so suddenly.  it was leukemia that ravaged her.  i tried to read up on it and just gave up.  what's the difference, really.

i was given a good report from both the gyn/oncologist and the brain surgeon.  they both were unusually sociable and cordial with me.  they both had interns attending that day and allowed me to interact with them.  the gyn/oncologist told me that i had significant bone damage from the radiation therapy and that is what is causing all the pain.  he said that it should go away in a year.  normally, i would have been depressed with the news, but under the recent circumstances of my friend's demise,  i was happy to be alive even if it meant a considerable amount of daily pain.

the homeopath wants to try and help me.  i made an appointment for monday.  i'd rather try something natural instead of depending on anti inflammatory and pain drugs.  we'll see what she comes up with.  i try not taking pain pills.  however, i do spend a lot of time lying down.  lately, it has been rather painful to sit.  the  brain doctor told me that the tumor was stable.  there is no emergency to operate but he feels that it is better to take it out while i am in more or less, good health.   actually, he says that i could continue like this, being anti symptomatic, for another ten years.   the problem  could eventually escalate making surgery difficult or impossible.  realistically, i could be fighting , heaven forbid,  another bout of  cancer in the future which would definitely, make brain surgery a huge risk.

don't get me wrong, i am not gong ho on surgery.  especially, when i am not symptomatic.  i kind of think it's the right decision but i will try and get some other medical advice.  as the surgeon explained more specifics of the actual procedure, i became horrified.  i will revisit the oncologists in april and undergo another brain mri, too.  i'm thinking of a summer surgery.  we shall just wait and see.



my grandson has been coming upstairs to visit me almost every morning.   sometimes it's 3:30 a.m. but usually it's 5:30 a.m.  this morning he told me that i am sick everyday and that i am an old person.  he is only repeating what i have been telling him for months. he's heard me say that  i'm too old to pick him up, or that i'm too sick to take him to the park or give him piggy back rides for some time, now.  somehow it got to me when i heard him tell me that i was sick and old today.  i felt myself trying to validate my worth as a human being to a 4 year old..  silly me.

the kids are having a shabbaton downstairs with the daughter-in-law's sister and family this weekend.  that leaves me free from cooking, cleaning and shopping this week.  lucky me!   i am willing to share whatever fowl i have in the freezer as long as i don't have to prepare it..  i'm not up to baking either.  i need a break.  i will decide if i want to visit a friend for lunch.  it's nice to be free for a change.  i hope i'm not asked to make a cheesecake.  i really don't feel up to doing anything.  the travelling and the pain has taken a toll on my stamina.

we are expecting a few babies in the family.  it is great news.  i am happy to be around to greet them.  i can't wait.  i am feeling really emotional these days.  i want to be well and i want to enjoy my family.  it's in times like these that we see what is really important or not.  may we all enjoy good health!  and may we all enjoy good news!