Hard To Be Me

it is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.   just got up and let the dogs out.  they could sure use a long walk.  had my morning hot chocolate.  it looks like rain.  i am supposed to make shabbat meals for the kids.  i still feel tired from the chag.  every time they decide to stay in for shabbat, it seems to fall on me to provide the food.  i am trying to rev myself up to get started.

once again, i need to shop for food.  i do have chicken and potatoes, but i need grape juice, fish,  cake, chumus, and lettuce.  i probably need to get some treats, too.  i am beat.  i still haven't managed to take the antibiotics for the dysentery bug that i have.  i don't know what my problem is.  i put the medicine on my shelf  and totally ignored it.  i don't want to think about swallowing any pills.  i don't want to struggle or gag or suffer the moment.  i am still traumatized from undergoing treatment.  i don't know when i'll feel easy in my skin again.

yesterday, i ate an entire cheesecake log by myself.  the day before, i finished off two pints of ice cream.  i don't know what to do with myself.  this is no time to get fat.  my siblings are coming from the states soon.  i have so much to do before they get here.  i am not exactly, a lot of fun to be around.  i am tired of discussing my bowel movements with people.  i am tired of being tired all the time.  i am tired of not be able to take long walks.  i am depressed.

i had a message from the new cook at the yeshiva, yesterday.  she wanted me to let her know what the guys like to eat.  i started to call her.  then i stopped.  i wanted to cry.  i still had the fantasy that  i would be returning to my job.  i still had the fantasy that i would start over as good as new.  i can't work right now.  making one holiday meal puts me in bed for a week.  i got the job originally, by knowing how to cook and prepare vegetarian meals from scratch.  i became the in house mom for the students.  i was the wise old lady who dispensed garlic when we all got sick.

i haven't had the strength to even visit the guys, yet.  i feel like an invalid.  i know that i am less than thankful for what i have.  my situation could be a lot worse.  but i feel like a loser.  i spent hours searching the net to come up with recipes for the yeshiva, before i started the job.  i laid out tons of money at the spice shop.  i made lists of what we needed to run the kitchen.  i used to schlep flats of eggs and bread in the morning.  i know it would be wrong, if the yeshiva couldn't function without me.  but still, i'm not ready to give up my precious energy to someone who is taking my livelihood.  that is a selfish and jealous thought.  i am ashamed of  myself.

i have to pick up my grandson from gan at 1:00 p.m.  i used to run down to the gan in 10 minutes.  i will have to order a cab. just one more thing that is hard for me to do.  yesterday, i was just finishing up the blog, when my grandson hit the off button.  i was beside myself.  i thought that i had lost the blog.  i thought that i had lost my day's work.  i was livid.  i wanted him vanished from my home.  i have become mean spirited.  i am so frustrated.  the blog means a lot to me.  i should have been more understanding.  all i could think of was how to kick the brat out of my house.

i decided to make broiled barbecue wings and potatoes for dinner and  a chicken cholent for lunch.  i need fish.  maybe i'll ask the daughter-in-law to get some fish.  after all, she does work in a supermarket.  i just want to go back to bed.  i'm tired.  i need to shower.  why does that seem to be a herculean feat???  i am not feeling it.  i am not looking forward to having shabbat with the kids.  i was thinking about being alone this weekend with a good book.  i am not up for doing the floors again.  am i wrong?