Thanksgiving This Year

it is 5:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i went to pick up by grandson from gan a little while ago.  i  seem to be doing that a lot lately.  fortunately, the weather has been warm and i have enjoyed the 15 minute sprint down to the gan.  we usually, spend a half an hour at the park and then we get picked up by my daughter-in-law.

earlier, i went to town to pay my health insurance bill.  my payment was returned by the bank.  they returned quite a few checks this month and it cost me over $70 in penalties.  i still have not received a disability check since late july.  i am totally caught up in the inane bureaucracy of the government here.  i have taken emergency loans am i am still deeply into debt.  i have several outstanding bills that simply cannot be paid.  this is just par for the course here.  i hear it's getting pretty insane in america too.

i am feeling pretty good despite a cold.  what can i expect being around the kids all the time.  they're all coughing and they all have runny noses.  i have a bit of color these days form being outside a lot.  i do not look sick anymore.  i have a bunch of appointments coming up soon.  there's a gyn/oncologist and a brain MRI in november.  there's a brain surgeon appt. and another pet scan in december.  and then it's back to the radiologist in january.  are we having fun yet?

i still have thousands of shekels worth of taxi fares that i didn't get back from my medical carrier and about 8000 shekels from the national insurance that i'm owed.  i don't have enough stamina to deal with all of these offices.  i ordered check books weeks ago, and i found out yesterday that the bank never reordered them.  i feel overwhelmed.  i can't seem to keep track of all of this balagon.  i  am only concentrating on this year's first night of chanukah, which happens to be thanksgiving.  that seems to be the only thing i can relate to.  it's the first time that these two dates coincide since 1885.

i try to plan the menu and look up recipes on a daily basis.  my computer will not let me into most cooking sites.   i want the meal this year to be traditional for both events.  i have my paper turkey table cloth,  my straw turkey bread basket and some turkey napkins left over from past years.  i already made white chocolate dreidel and chanukiah lollipops.  i still have the dark chocolate ones to prepare.  i also have dreidel shaped salt and pepper shakers.  i need to place a small chanukiah on the table for show.  i thought about using 8 of the lollipops to create a chanukiah effect.

i bought a small bag of cornmeal to make the traditional cornbread.  i have dried cranberries that i may add to the cabbage salad.   i already bought turkey wings and frozen whole cranberries.  i have an old challah in the freezer that i can turn into sage and sausage bread stuffing.  i bought two kinds of  kabobs that will take the place of the sausage.  i am still dreaming about making a pumpkin pie.  who knows?  maybe i actually will. this year.  last year i made a pumpkin cake.  it was dreadful.   i saved and froze enough clear chicken soup from a shabbat meal to add to the bread stuffing. 

i need to do something fried to keep up with the chaukah tradition.  that leaves making either corn fritters, or potato latkes.  i'm  toying with the idea of making pumpkin latkes.  i did it one year and they were a big hit.  i'll probably fry chicken cutlets for that shabbat meal.  i'm also thinking about making stuffed baked sweet potatoes.  everything is possible.  i  want to make a chestnut soup but i think that would be overkill.  i have a recipe for fried cookie bow ties.  i don't know if i'll want to kill myself with this project or not. 

 i wish i could buy a prepared pie crust but they only have graham cracker ones and they really aren't good for  pumpkin pies.  i'm also considering making a non baked kind of pumpkin pie using vanilla pudding.  i'll have to investigate some more recipes.  in the meanwhile, i need to see the social worker from my medical carrier and the clerk at the national insurance tomorrow.  that should take the entire morning to deal with both these issues for sure.  i have to get my grandson from gan at 2:00 p.m. which puts me under even more pressure.  i also need to go to the electric company which is at the far end of town which is an expensive taxi ride.

the shabbat after thanksgiving is the 6th anniversary of my mothers passing.  i would like to arrange a kiddish for her in the little chabad bomb shelter but i don't know if my finances will be in better order by then.  i know that i am a bit ahead of myself but that's what i always do.  i'm thinking of tu b'shvat after chanukah.  and i think of chanukah after sukkot.  it's funny but i haven't begun to think about purim yet.

Hanging In There

it is nearly 1:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i just had my plumber friend come out to check my rooftop apartment.  i want to build a staircase and separate entrance to create a rental.  i have been talking about doing this for the last few years.  unfortunately, i have no savings left to pay for this.  i will have to take a bank loan and will probably not see any profit for years.  the plumber thinks it will cost a huge amount of money.

i was counting on not spending more than $10,000.  the way he's tallking this could be well over 30,000.  i am still trying to pursue female boarders.  it's really a great space upstairs.  i am running out of options to raise money.  i  am considering the option of moving upstairs myself and renting out my apartment.. that would be very hard.  just the idea of packing up all my belongings makes me sick.  i would have to exit through the downstairs apartment where the kids live basically, for free.  yes, sacrifices would have to be made by all of us.

i realistically, don't see myself getting a job right now.  i still have to undergo brain surgery.   i recieved some cash from my siblings to help me get through the immediate 'crunch'.  first thing i did was to fill up the freezer. i bought lots of inexpensive fowl.  i bought tons of chicken hotdogs, hamburgers, lamb kabobs, chicken bones, cheap steaks, turkey wings, and chopped turkey.   i even got some fish.   when in doubt or debt,  buy food.  i actually spent about $200.  that should get me through the winter,  food wise.  that of course, does not include veggies or fruit.

i had to pick up my grandson from kindergarten yesterday.  i walked down to the gan.  it was an easy  15 minute walk downhill.  i was happy to do it.  i even got a lift home with one of the mothers.  i made a big mistake in taking the grandkid to the super.  i wanted to buy some hot chocolate mix and tea.  i thought it would wear him out.  it nearly kiled me.  first, he got his 'mitts' on a  sticker book of 'trash people'.  that's his new fixation.  i immediately took it out of his hands and explained that i didn't have enough money to buy it for him..  it was 20 shekels.   it could make a nice chanukah gift.

he immediately threw himself on to the ground and stated to cry.  i ignored him and went off to find the tea. he grabbed another copy of the sticker book and started to open it.  i confiscated the second  book and placed it high up on the shelf.  he again hit the floor and srarted crying.  i tried to ignore him and went off  to find the cocolate mix.  he once again found, yet,  another sticker book and started to open it.  i got it away from him but it was a struggle.  i think i gave him a potch on his backside.

he was thirsty so i bought him a punch-banana flavored milk.  i found him a seat and told him to stay put and to drink.   he managed to 'aquire' some more items that he wanted to buy.  he held onto a small vile of tick tacks.  i refused to buy it for him so he ran off and started eating them.  i didn't want to buy them but i felt as a matter of principle, that i was obligated to.  i refussed to let him have them so he once again, threw an enormous fit.  there was no one else in the store besides the manager and the cashier, so i let him scream.  i wanted to kill him.  i momentarily hated him and had the most awful thoughts about hurting him when i caught up with him. .

the little brat was hiding and i could not find him.  i knew that he hadn't made it out of the store but i could not see him.  i checked the bathrooms and even climbed upstirs to the manager's office.  he was out of sight. i waited over a half an hour until i saw him.  and then, he ran away once again.  i must have been in that store for over an hour.  i felt like such a fool.  he finally caught up with me but he threw another fit when i refused to give him the tick tacks.  i don't know how i dragged him off of the floor and out of the store.  he then became one with the pavement and i left him.  i walked away but of course, i kept on coming back to get him up.

it took another half an hour of my screaming at him to get him home.  i actually gave him one gigantic smack on his back.   i was aiming for the backside but missed.  i then grabbed him by his arms and somehow shlepped him up the stairs.  by the time we got home he was over his fit.  i was fit to be tied.   i took him to the local playground and he was pretty active.   we got back home and i decided to take him and his baby sister to a neighbor's house,  where they were dedicating a new torah scroll to the local shul.  it was quite cold outside but i couldn't confine the two kids in the house.  there were many people milling about and the kids were not happy being indoors.

outside, my grandson helped himself to cookies and peanuts.  he climbed on to a small tree and was happy being outdoors.  i don't think the people outside were so happy with him climbing the tree.  my grandaughter was a royal pain in the neck.  she took a tumble down some stairs, as i was shlepping the stroller up the stairs.  luckily, she wasn't hurt.  i was beside myself.  i finally managed to get her to stop crying for a little while but i decided to take them home.  this was not the place for them.  i was sorry that i took them out.  the two of them are simply not fit for human consumption.  i can manage them in the house in front of the t.v. set. going out with them is a nightmare.  they are a pair of wild indians.  they are wolverine like.  i am  actually embarrassed to be seen with them.  some proud grandma i am!

my grandson told his father last night that he had caused me 'problems' in the super.  i tried my best to explain to him that taking candy and sticker books without permission and money is tantamount to stealing.  i refused to give him any tick tacks last night.  he came upstairs for the package of tick tacks this morning..  i only gave him two and he threw a fit in the car on his way to kindergarten.  his mother insisted that he doesn't get away with any of this shtick on her watch.  first thing this morning, he came into their bedroom and pished on their rug.  my son was beside himself.  wanted to know if the kid needs a shrink.  i think i need one.

Falling Leaves

it is 6:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  the holidays are finally over.  i actually had a glorious simchat torah.  i thoroughly enjoyed the sephardi service at the big synagogue down the street.  i even stayed for the elaborate kiddish afterwards.  my son did a wonderful grill with lamb chops and steaks for our holiday meal.  i enjoyed some wine, too.  i later went to the chabad bomb shelter to say yizkor and had a 'bit' of vodka.  i was feeling no pain for hours.  i took a walk later on that evening.  i was feeling restless.

i've been in bed for a week.  it started to get cold and then it got hot again.  i've had a sore back for days. lifting small kids will do that to you.  i  worked on disassembling the sukkah for a couple of hours by myself.  i took down all of the ornaments and material.  i washed the curtains.  i started taking the bars apart but i had no more strength to finish.  my son finally put it away after i screamed at him the next day.

i am waiting for the kids to come home.  i'm babysitting for a little while until my son gets back from work. the daughter-in-law has a family function in another town tonight.  i'm pretty worn out at this point.  i would love to go to the supermarket but i can't leave.

i finally caught up with my laundry.  it started drizzling today so i hauled everything off of  the lines.  i will have to reconnect the dryer soon.  i have been losing sleep over my lack of funds lately.  it seems that i didn't get my disability check for two months.  as i turned 62 in july, they automatically stopped my checks.  of course, i didn't receive a letter of explanation or any forms to fill out.  i called my brother for an emergency loan.  i also, took out an emergency loan from the bank.

i never got reimbursed for the taxis i took back from the hospital, either.  i am in a total fiscal collapse.  is it any wonder that i wake up every night at about 3:30 a.m?  my son hasn't given me a penny in months and  the bills are lining up to be paid.  i have an appointment soon with the radiologist.  and then i'll be doing another MRI of my brain.  i am tired and very depressed.  that can't be so good for my health.

a few months back when i really needed help, the law of the land excluded me because i was 61.  yes,  i was too 'young' to get someone in to help me clean and shop.  suddenly i am 62 and the law of the lands says i'm too old to get disability.  i spent half the day at the national insurance office on tuesday.  i was given forms to fill out and the cold shoulder.  as usual, i was told that it was all my fault.

i had to seek help from a volunteer to deal with the forms.  it turns out that we used to volunteer together at the old age center.  i broke down and cried.  it was all so overwhelming for me.  i have exhausted all funds back in the U.S  and have been a burden on my siblings, to boot.  i feel rotten.  i am sick from the injustice of it all, too.  i am sick of fighting the bureaucracy here.

i landed back in bed until today.  i couldn't move.  i was emotionally and physically drained from all the stress about money.  i have been stripped of all finances, temporarily.  i  don't get it.   there is a cosmic message for me here to understand.  unfortunately, all my friends are in the same boat.  and these are the 'golden
 years???

The Chag Goes On

it is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  it looks like rain.  it is cold. too.  i haven't been sleeping well.  one of my dogs is very sick.  i can't get a hold of a vet to visit.  i've been giving her some antibiotics but i don't know if she will pull through.  i keep glancing over to her to see if she is still alive.

i've been babysitting a lot this holiday.  the kindergartens closed a few days before the holiday even began.. this is really not fair on the parents and extended families.  i have been lifting the toddler a lot lately and my back is kaput.  she now climbs up the stairs all the time to visit.  i locked my door yesterday and she just stood on the landing knocking for me to open the door.

she is pretty bright and hasn't yet turned two.  i can deal with one of them at a time but together they make up one heck of a wrestling 'tag' team.  i actually fell asleep with the toddler for a while yesterday, and i woke up to a wet bed and soaked skirt.  i don't believe any of us pished on the bed.  someone dowsed me with water.

dealing with a ''terrible' two and 'horrible' four is a very hard job for anyone.  they both tend to have temper tantrums and someone is always crying.  they both can be obnoxious and strike out physically at any given moment.  i go right to sleep when the mommy comes home.  i live in fear of getting sick from them.  all of their school mates are being given the live polio vaccine.  they claim that vaccinated children cannot catch polio from the oral vaccine.  let's hope that they can't be carriers, also.  i flinch every time one coughs.

we haven't used our sukkah much this season.  we did have one shabbat meal together but got rained out on saturday.  i had a cook out on sunday with a few friends.  one gal 'manned' the grill while we sat inside blabbing.  i arranged salads and dressings and even made a noodle kugel.  we had steaks, hamburgers and hot dogs.  the weather was just right.  my friends even brought chassidic music for the atsmosphere.

the kids are working all through the week and even the children are busy indoors watching television and playing with their toys.  no one really wants to hang out together in the sukkah with me.  i guess i had the fantasy that we would all meet downstairs at breakfast time to eat in the sukkah and talk.  the only time i see the kids is when they need something from me.  my son comes up for milk, juice, toilet paper and  to ask me to babysit.  that's about the gist of it.  no one wants to talk to me.  even the grandson tells me to be quiet when he's engrossed in a show.

i had someone who did engage with me but he expected marriage in return.  i  simply couldn't take on the commitment at this point in my life.  it was nice though, to have someone who enjoyed my company and energy.  i am once again a bit down.  i think the kids will be here for Simchas Torah.  at this point, it doesn't matter if they go somewhere else.  i am tired of serving them.  i am tired of running around to please them and take care of their kids.  i am tired of being ignored and being made to feel extinct.  i am tired of  the financial burden.

i was watching an old movie from the 50's called 'marty' with ernest borgnine.  it was about a 35 year old bachelor living with his 'old' italian widowed mother.  she and her sister were both in their mid fifties left to live with their grown up sons.  one sister was being forced out of her home because her young daughter-in-law couldn't get along with her.  sometimes i feel like this.  i feel like i'm in the way.  i feel like an old shoe.  i feel like nobody here gives a hoot.

maybe it was a mistake to give up on the shidduch.  i did have company.  so what if the guy drove me crazy? at least i wouldn't be alone right now.  or maybe i'd be right here blogging about how he was driving me crazy.  i think i don't do well psychologically, with fall and winter weather. the sun just came out and i feel better already.  i guess i'm just very tired and it gets me down.  i'm plagued with memories of the past.  i remember holidays filled with guests and sukkahs filled with people.  i can't be happy with what is now.  it's hard to just be in the moment.  it's hard to accept being alone.  it's hard to accept being home all the time.

Chag Samayach

it is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i got up about half an hour ago.  i'm really too tired to start the day but i am under a certain amount of pressure to decorate the sukkah before i have to watch both children today. my son assembled our sukkah late last night.  i sat on a chair watching, sitting outside in the cold.  we had psychodrama for most of the time.

it's the same old thing.  i ask for money and i get told that i haven't been there for him as a mother all his life. the fact that i'm broke, recovering from cancer and facing brain surgery, doesn't seem to matter to him.  you can't get blood out of a stone.  he absolutely feels under no obligation to help me out.  i am in no condition to kick him and his family out once again.  i know that he has enormous debts due to a bad business venture but he has to find a way to chip in on the house expenses, too.

i get so pressured and frustrated that i sometimes think it would be easier if i die.  i can't believe that this is good for my survival at all.  i decided to break up a wasp nest yesterday under my front window, next to my front door.  i had been watching wasps entering for days and finally saw the nest.  i banged down with a broom handle and was immediately swarmed by many very large and very angry bees.  i quickly ran into my house and one followed me inside and stung me on my thumb.  it held on to my thumb for dear life.  i actually saw its enormous stinger going into my thumb.  it was quite a shock.  my finger became inflamed and swollen right away.

i couldn't use my hand at all after that.  i had spent the day with my grandson when an old acquaintance came by to retrieve her belongings which i have been storing for 8 years.  it was a hard and dirty job.  she had many cartons to schlep from one side of the roof threw the mounds of pigeon poo.  the poor thing had to bend down the entire time because the beams of the roof were so low.  i helped take down the trash for her for a couple of hours while the grandson played with all the utensils in the upstairs apartment.  he was happy. i felt sorry for this lady.  most of the stuff she had left was not worth holding onto.  she is pretty situated now in her new life.

i think though, she had a certain amount of closure on her life in israel.  she doesn't have to think about what she left behind anymore.  she did manage to take some clothes, household items and books to give away.  i felt totally depleted after she left.  i needed to rest but once again, i was called upon to watch the kids for a while.

i had gone to the super with my grandson earlier in the day.  he had created a scene when i refused to buy him gum.  some nice lady tried to console him while i was paying and bagging my groceries.  i simply ignored him and his 4 year old tantrum.  i guess the other shoppers were greatful to this caring lady.  she actually thought that i was the mother.  what does that say about her.  she had come over to him earlier when he was verbally abusing me in classic 4 year old jargon.  i was simply not listening to him because i was vowing in my head never to take him anywhere again.

after yom kippur, i sent an email to my ex gentleman caller.  i was trying to convey to him how hard it was for me to end the 'courtship'.  i wanted him to know that i did like him and even held fond memories of him.  i just didn't think it would work out for us at this time.  maybe the long fast had effected my ability to reason properly.  i guess i didn't know what i was doing.  i got an immediate reply from him that he would consider meeting to talk again about important issues and that he would write further.  he applauded my sense of honesty and let me know that i had made the right decision not to give up on this yet.  he even called me at midnight to ask if i wanted to talk even though he admitted that he was too tired to talk.  i thought i heard a change in his voice for the better.  he sounded sober and serious.

i thought that maybe i could give it another go after my brain surgery.  who knows?  the next day i got an email from him about an 'amazing' video of a man who had selflessly given his entire life and was then rewarded in the end.  he was urging me to watch it.  it nearly crashed my computer but it totally crashed any serious thoughts of reconciliation.  i let him know that i didn't really appreciate people sending me all kinds of  amazing and 'inspirational' emails.  i  guess i expected a serious communique about the possibility of our getting together to mediate some real issues.  instead i got another email letting me know that he was too busy to 'write' including a detailed list of all the tasks that he had to get done before the holiday.

i lost it once again.  i screamed in cyberspace at him. i let him know that in no way, shape, or form was i interested in trying to deal with someone who could not connect in a real way.  i accused him of being manipulative to boot. i do not regret for a moment what i said.  i have to watch the kids now. speaking of master manipulation.  i still need to hang the sukkah decorations and we still need to buy a sukkah covering.  i forgot that i threw out last years' bamboo roof.  part of me feels that i should just forget about the decorations this year.

my gransdon came up bright and early to be with me.  his little sister followed up the stairs shortly afterwards.  i feel like i'm living in a zoo.  ants, rats, dogs, pigeons, wasps, grown up kids and grandchildren all taking over my space.

Getting Ready For Sukkot

it is 7:30 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  today is sunday.  we survived the yom kippur fast and lived to tell the tale.  i was living in dread before shabbat.  i spent most of rosh hashanah 'seeing' dead people.  i even dreamt of my mother.  it wasn't a pleasant dream.  it was full of psychodrama and other family members.  it was the first time i dreamed of here since she died five years ago.

i had the awful feeling that i was going to die on yom kippur.  i really thought that i was going to drop dead either in my home, or in the bomb shelter.  i don't know why i was feeling that way, in all honesty.  i cried when i said goodbye to the kids.  i felt that it was going to be the last time that i saw them.  i dreaded being alone.  i have been alone on yom kippur for the past five years and i have always looked forward to it.  not so, this year.

i made it to the bomb shelter for the evening service.  i was dressed all in white and feeling a bit uncomfortable in too many layers of clothes.  the space was comfortable for a change.  the service was divine.  i was totally in the moment.  i saw my girlfriend and ended up walking her and her husband back home.  i was feeling no pain.  i was actually feeling energetic.  i ran into another acquaintance and walked her home. too.  i ran up a few flights of stairs and made it home.  it was warm but i was feeling well.

i got undressed and retreated to my t.v. sofa.  i started to read the book of Yonah until i passed out.  i woke up at about 6:30 a.m. and didn't feel so great.  my stomach was churning.  i was hungry.  i let the dogs out and davened on the couch.  i didn't think i could make it up and out to services.  i rested for a while and when i felt stronger i got dressed and made it out by 9:00 a.m.  the bomb shelter wasn't too crowded.  i  sat opposite the fan.  the service was wonderful.  i was in my element.  i was feeling no pain.  i was actually happy even though i was all alone.

i came back at 1:30 p.m. and got undressed.  i lay on the couch and finished the book of Yonah.  i passed out for about 20 minutes.  i  got up and out for the 5:30 p.m. service.  because we didn't turn the clocks back yet, the fast was an hour longer this year.  we ended the service about 7:30 p.m. and had refreshments to break the fast.  i got home at 8:00 p.m.  the kids came back early and my son was hungry.  i made him some salad and eggs.  i wasn't ready to eat.  later on, i had some lox and cream cheese on a whole wheat pita.  and then i  started eating and couldn't stop.  it didn't matter what i ate, i wasn't satiated.

i couldn't fall asleep.  i didn't have any caffeine and yet there was no sleep.  i finally passed out after 5:00 a.m.  i got up at around 9:00 a.m.  i started eating again.  nothing seems to fill me up.  it's very hot.  i felt faint a few times today.  the gardener was here and i couldn't go downstairs to say hello.  i stayed in bed for most of the day.  i felt pretty weak.  i had to babysit for a few hours in the evening.  the kids came back at midnight.  my grandson is still up.  the toddler didn't fall asleep until after 10:00 p.m.

my son took in a pug puppy.  that's all we need, another dog.  my grandson is nuts about it and is making the puppy nuts.  i am not going to bail my son out of this situation.  the dog already pished on the bed a little while ago.  the daughter-in-law will throw it out once it makes on the floor.  here we go again!  the kids are going to the sephardi clan for the first leg of the holidays on wednesday night.  i guess i'll have them for shabbat and simchas torah.

i can invite myself out for the holiday or invite some people to my sukkot table.  the entrees are in the freezer.  i did invite my friends for a barbecue.  we can either do one on thursday afternoon after services, or during the week.  we will figure it out later.  hopefully, my son will assemble our sukkah tomorrow.  i have tons of  plastic fruit to hang up.  i kind of wish that i had a bunch of money to buy new material and a new covering but i don't.  we will just have to make do with what we have this year.

Happy New Year

it is 7:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i just got relieved from my babysitting post.  i had to pick up my grandson from his gan today.  it was the first time in nearly a year.  i had to cab it.  i went to town in the morning to catch a couple of torah classes at the chabad house.  it was hard to hear the women speak.  i was not comfortable.  i felt nauseous and tired.  my eyes were burning.  it was very hot.  i had trouble concentrating.  as i looked around at the crowd i felt like i was hallucinating.  it was reminiscent of how i felt after radiation treatments.

i needed to pay a couple of bills and order new checks at the bank.  as it was already unbearably hot, i skipped the errands and went straight to the classes.  they are predicting a record high heat wave for yom kippur this shabbat.  as if it isn't bad enough having to fast for a whole shabbat, we will also fry.  i am already dreading the fast.  i am in a state of near panic.

i am not in a good frame of mind.  the new year has just started and i am already feeling depleted.  the food preparations for the holidays was gruelling this year.  i still have three entrees in the freezer to use for the next holiday or shabbat.  i ate way too much on rosh hashana and felt awful after shabbat.  i don't think eating honey with bread agrees with me anymore.  i fasted an entire day on sunday and i haven't felt well since.  it is hard for me to stay hydraded.  i can't seem to drink fluids.

it was hard for me to daven at the bomb shelter this year.  it was hard to stand during the entire service.  i felt nauseous for most of the day.  there was no air circulating in the bomb shelter chabad shul.  i sat  too close to the wall fan and i was afraid of getting bels palsy again.  my eye was anyway, burning and red and very dry from the heat.  they use a very unattractive, shmutzy, piece of beige material to separate the men and women's sections.  it added to my feeling of claustrobia.

it is impossible to see what is going on in the men's section now.  how is one supposed to know when one is obligated to stand when one cannot see when the aron is open.  the rav who read the torah portion didn't speak above a whisper.  when it came time to blow the shofar, he couldn't get a note out.  i was feeling enraged.  i was feeling desperate.  i was feeling depressed.  i was feeling trapped.   i left the bomb shelter before the musaf prayer.  it was the first time that i left early in 11 years.

i decided to come home and serve the holiday meal that i had prepared for the kids and a friend.  i couldn't stand one more minute in the bomb shelter.  the kids had prayed at the sephardi shul.  it started a full hour before the chabad minyon, so everyone was already home.  i have never missed the musaf prayer and i had mixed feelings about it.

it looks like i'll be alone for yom kippur.  i do not know if i'll make it all day at the bomb shelter.  my good friend is going to the sephardi shul.  she absolutely cannot deal with the chabad bomb shelter anymore.  i kind of think it is ruined for me too.  i won't understand a word of prayer at the sephardi shul but it would be very comfortable there.  i am at a loss for my spirituality.

i called off my shidduch at last.  i offered to maintain a friendship but i knew it wasn't meant to be.  i will be dealing pretty soon with the neurosurgeon.  i have to do another brain mri in november.  i am feeling lonely.  i miss the male attention and energy.  i miss the familiarity.  but when all is said and done, i do not think that i could have married this man.  i simply could not take the stress anymore.

my home insurance salesman just called to let me know that i dated all of my checks for 2012 and 2013.  i am amazed at how poorly i am thinking.  luckily he's my cousin and will change the dates on the checks for me.  i always fear early onset altzheimers as my dad succumbed to this.  you would think i have enough on my plate.  instead of being greatful for how well i am, i seem to complain alot and focus alot on the negative.  i  guess i'll have to work on this a lot this year.