Chag Samayach

it is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  i got up about half an hour ago.  i'm really too tired to start the day but i am under a certain amount of pressure to decorate the sukkah before i have to watch both children today. my son assembled our sukkah late last night.  i sat on a chair watching, sitting outside in the cold.  we had psychodrama for most of the time.

it's the same old thing.  i ask for money and i get told that i haven't been there for him as a mother all his life. the fact that i'm broke, recovering from cancer and facing brain surgery, doesn't seem to matter to him.  you can't get blood out of a stone.  he absolutely feels under no obligation to help me out.  i am in no condition to kick him and his family out once again.  i know that he has enormous debts due to a bad business venture but he has to find a way to chip in on the house expenses, too.

i get so pressured and frustrated that i sometimes think it would be easier if i die.  i can't believe that this is good for my survival at all.  i decided to break up a wasp nest yesterday under my front window, next to my front door.  i had been watching wasps entering for days and finally saw the nest.  i banged down with a broom handle and was immediately swarmed by many very large and very angry bees.  i quickly ran into my house and one followed me inside and stung me on my thumb.  it held on to my thumb for dear life.  i actually saw its enormous stinger going into my thumb.  it was quite a shock.  my finger became inflamed and swollen right away.

i couldn't use my hand at all after that.  i had spent the day with my grandson when an old acquaintance came by to retrieve her belongings which i have been storing for 8 years.  it was a hard and dirty job.  she had many cartons to schlep from one side of the roof threw the mounds of pigeon poo.  the poor thing had to bend down the entire time because the beams of the roof were so low.  i helped take down the trash for her for a couple of hours while the grandson played with all the utensils in the upstairs apartment.  he was happy. i felt sorry for this lady.  most of the stuff she had left was not worth holding onto.  she is pretty situated now in her new life.

i think though, she had a certain amount of closure on her life in israel.  she doesn't have to think about what she left behind anymore.  she did manage to take some clothes, household items and books to give away.  i felt totally depleted after she left.  i needed to rest but once again, i was called upon to watch the kids for a while.

i had gone to the super with my grandson earlier in the day.  he had created a scene when i refused to buy him gum.  some nice lady tried to console him while i was paying and bagging my groceries.  i simply ignored him and his 4 year old tantrum.  i guess the other shoppers were greatful to this caring lady.  she actually thought that i was the mother.  what does that say about her.  she had come over to him earlier when he was verbally abusing me in classic 4 year old jargon.  i was simply not listening to him because i was vowing in my head never to take him anywhere again.

after yom kippur, i sent an email to my ex gentleman caller.  i was trying to convey to him how hard it was for me to end the 'courtship'.  i wanted him to know that i did like him and even held fond memories of him.  i just didn't think it would work out for us at this time.  maybe the long fast had effected my ability to reason properly.  i guess i didn't know what i was doing.  i got an immediate reply from him that he would consider meeting to talk again about important issues and that he would write further.  he applauded my sense of honesty and let me know that i had made the right decision not to give up on this yet.  he even called me at midnight to ask if i wanted to talk even though he admitted that he was too tired to talk.  i thought i heard a change in his voice for the better.  he sounded sober and serious.

i thought that maybe i could give it another go after my brain surgery.  who knows?  the next day i got an email from him about an 'amazing' video of a man who had selflessly given his entire life and was then rewarded in the end.  he was urging me to watch it.  it nearly crashed my computer but it totally crashed any serious thoughts of reconciliation.  i let him know that i didn't really appreciate people sending me all kinds of  amazing and 'inspirational' emails.  i  guess i expected a serious communique about the possibility of our getting together to mediate some real issues.  instead i got another email letting me know that he was too busy to 'write' including a detailed list of all the tasks that he had to get done before the holiday.

i lost it once again.  i screamed in cyberspace at him. i let him know that in no way, shape, or form was i interested in trying to deal with someone who could not connect in a real way.  i accused him of being manipulative to boot. i do not regret for a moment what i said.  i have to watch the kids now. speaking of master manipulation.  i still need to hang the sukkah decorations and we still need to buy a sukkah covering.  i forgot that i threw out last years' bamboo roof.  part of me feels that i should just forget about the decorations this year.

my gransdon came up bright and early to be with me.  his little sister followed up the stairs shortly afterwards.  i feel like i'm living in a zoo.  ants, rats, dogs, pigeons, wasps, grown up kids and grandchildren all taking over my space.