Nothing To Say

it is 10:30 a.m. in the holy city of safed.   I am tired.  I haven't had a drink yet.   I had the kids yesterday for about seven hours.  no one wanted to use the pool.  everyone was tired and hot. the kids played with lego and watched television.  there wasn't any fighting.  we didn't leave the house to go to the park.  I went to the supermarket in the morning to buy food for Shabbat.  I thought about inviting the kids for Friday night dinner.  I spent a bunch of money.  the kids are home for Shabbat and I am invited to come for dinner.  right now I can't imagine moving.

I don't really feel much like cooking today.  I need to wash the floors but I have time.  I feel like a slug.  I need to pick up my granddaughter at 1:00 p.m.  I cooked up some non gluten macaroni yesterday for the kids.  I think it was made form rice.  it looked like macaroni but didn't much taste like it.  I ate a bunch of it with tomato sauce.  the kids ate it plain with olive oil.  they really didn't eat it.  I made 'skinny' banana cupcakes again.  I used only 4 tablespoons of brown sugar and 2 tablespoons of canola oil.  they aren't great but they do taste sweet.

I was hoping to start experimenting with almond flour and coconut oil when my sister arrived.  she decided to cancel her trip to the middle east at this time.  I don't think I can afford a trip to the health food store right now.  I had some 60 % dark chocolate last night.  I didn't binge.  the kids ate most of it.  I bought it to make a birthday tiramisu for the Sephardi grandmother.  I don't know if I have the energy to do anything like that today.

I made several hospital appointments for July. I postponed my oncological visit for a month.  I decided to go back to the brain surgeon after I do another MRI.  I usually try to double up on appointments but this time I will be going to tel aviv 3 consecutive weeks in a row.  what a drag!  I'm thinking of doing the brain surgery after the Jewish holidays in November.  we shall see if the surgeon is available at that time.  I haven't been in touch with them since I cancelled my surgery in December.

I was supposed to go over to my girlfriend yesterday morning.  she wanted to trim my wig on me. after I got off the phone with the hospital, I was feeling dizzy and of course, anxious.  I went to lie down for while.  I ran down to the supermarket and felt dizzy there. I do not do well in the summer. I can't manage the heat. my efforts to drink more and to be more active are futile.  I am so depressed.
I feel like I am in a dream state all the time.

I have managed to stop binge eating although I haven't managed to start a diet.  I am grazing all day long until I fall asleep.  I have managed to stay away from junk unless you include those awful non gluten noodles and a ton of sunflower seeds.  they are very caloric but do have a lot of magnesium.  I must lose weight.  I bought tortilla shells on sale.  they are fun to eat but definitely, not all that nutritional.  I think I will stop off at the supermarket to buy a birthday gift for the Sephardi grandma.  she is actually ten years younger than myself.  our birthdays are a week apart.  I will be turning 66 next week.  my friends are all older than me by a year or two but I feel older than everyone.

being estranged from my family in safed has taken a huge toll.  I am emotionally spent.  I cannot make sense out of it.  the more I analyze it , the more I get upset.  and the more I get upset, the more I miss them.  what a mess!