A New Year

it is 3:00 p.m. in the holy city of Safed.  tonight the kids are coming for the holiday meal.  in a couple of hours we will be celebrating Simchat Torah.  the Sukkot holiday officially ends here tomorrow evening.  it has been a quiet holiday.  I took care of the kids a couple of times.  I am a bit nervous.  this will be the first time in a few months that the family eats here with me.  I made a simple meal.

I made a small piece of beef in wine and a small amount of beef meatballs in tomato sauce.  I made a sweet noodle kugel, some sweet rice, a small cauliflower, beets, baked sweet potatoes and a green salad.  I bought red grapes and cashews and a chocolate honey cake for dessert.  I also bought a round sweet challah with raisins. 

I didn't sleep much last night.  it is customary for the men to stay up all might learning Torah.  I didn't learn anything.  I watched some television and lost my sleep.  I finally passed out about a 4:30 a.m.  I ordered a cab for Tuesday morning to take me to the hospital inTel Hashomer.  I get to see the neurosurgeon and discuss my recent brain scan.  I am not looking forward to this conversation, at all.

I never finished cleaning up the downstairs.  the college students come back to learn in November.  I doubt that the downstairs will be ready by then.  I haven't heard from any students, either.  I get very anxious just thinking about this.  I made a date to meet up with a recent immigrant from the U.S.  we have a few new American families in my neighborhood, too.  of course, they are all much younger than myself and have young children. 

I have another CoDa meeting next week.  being alone all week and not having anyone to care for, led me into a terrible 4 day food binge.  I was so careful not to eat any sugar or dessert during the entire holiday and then wala, I went crazy.  I wanted to lose some weight before my upcoming brain surgery.  it was so clear to me what set me off.  I expected the grandkids to come over one day.  I had arranged to take them to an outdoor Sukkot party.  when they didn't show up in the morning I went into a food binge.

I stuffed my face all day long and then ended up taking them in the early evening.  I binged the next day and then another couple of days.  I wanted to take a walk and get out of the house one day, but it never happened.  I felt a bit sluggish and felt like I was coming down with a cold.  my friend was also not well and recovering from the Sukkot holiday, in general.  she had had a lot of sleep over guests.  I should have gone to town but I couldn't get it together to do so.

I have been going to services on Saturday mornings at the large and decorative Sephardi synagogue. I have become part of the congregation.  I always stay for Kiddush and kiss everyone in the ladies' section on both cheeks.  it is very comfortable and spacious.  tonight we will all meet up there.  I have asked the kids to come to me for Simchat Torah for the past seven years.  this year my son asked me if they could come.  I tried to persuade them to come tomorrow too.  then I realized that I was being needy and too demanding.  I have to hold back.

I asked a friend to join me in making a barbecue tomorrow.  she has lamb chops, and I have hamburgers, liver and wings.  it is weird living alone.  I do love the quiet.  I feel guilty that I have this huge home to myself.  I would love to buy a small place for myself but with prices being so high; I would not be left with enough income to survive.  I am comfortable in my home and am still capable of cleaning it.   I would love for my sister to join me here for a few months at a time.

I hope the evening goes well.  I hung up some curtains that the kids left downstairs and their chandelier in the dining area.  I hope it doesn't create any resentment.  my friend is coming for the holiday with her dog.  there will be three dogs for dinner.  in the past, my daughter-in-law couldn't stand my dogs but now that she is never here, I hope it won't be a hassle for her.  I am hoping to engage in some conversation tonight.  I want this to be a truly festive meal.

for the past 7 years, I kept to myself, took care of the grandkids and had virtually nothing to do with my son and his wife.  I felt like a nanny and a waiter.  I was always resentful.  I never engaged anyone in conversation and everyone went downstairs as soon as they ate.  the little kids never ate and never stayed at the table.  the married kids talked to each other and I felt totally alienated.  I'm sure I gave them dirty looks, too.  I don't want to be like that any more.