Countdown To Pesach 2015 Tuesday

it is 5:30 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.  I just woke up and am too tired to start working in the house.  my front door was wide open and I heard the rain.  yes, there goes the windows.   I honestly don't care.   I washed all of the legos in the afternoon and left them outside to dry.  it was supposed to be a project to involve the kids, too.   I also washed the seat cushions for the dining room chairs and left them outside.  we may be without seat cushions for the Seder unless we have a couple of really sunny days.

I am really frustrated.  I wanted to go to the fruit store in town and stop off at he rabbinate to sell the chometz.   I decided to wash the dining room chairs, first.  they are in the house but still wet.  I didn't finish until about 11:00 a.m.  I had to do a lot of mopping up.  I desperately needed a hot shower.  I had my grandson at home and he is a royal pain in the old caboose. 

we set out by bus but he was already impatient at the bus stop.  I realized that taking him to the fruit store in town would be a mistake.  I opted for the large supermarket .  there I bought him some pastry and nash and a chocolate milk while I selected the fruits and veggies.  we cabbed it home.  I am not free to do my pesach cleaning thing alone.  I have a schedule.  I have to be home by 2:00 p.m. to pick up the granddaughter and today is the last day of pesach gan.

I will have the burden of caring for both kids and trying to finish the house by myself.  it just is not fair.  I have pretty much finished the hard scrubbing but there is still so much to do.  I have to change all the linens in 3 bedrooms and put away my clothes in the master bedroom.  I still have to wash the living room floor and do a bit of laundry.  I can accomplish it all if I am alone.  I am feeling so stressed out that I want to run away.  with the kids here I am on call all afternoon long.  I am wiping up spilled drinks when I'm not breaking up fights and changing the channels for them.

what is the point of all this pesach cleaning?  to make the home shine for whom?  to be alone or to be with family.  right now I'd rather be alone.  I do not really appreciate my family.  I am feeling very resentful.  I am not appreciating the grandkids.  they are a burden to me.  I am really not digging my son right now at all.   I fantasize about his coming to me to ask if I need any help.  you know, like taking out the windows for me or anything to lighten the burden.

 right now I am struggling to get him to go over to the rabbinate to sell our chometz.  it is no big deal.  he has to pass it on his way to his gallery.  he is just being lazy and inconsiderate.  I did a terrible job of raising him.  I will have to really lay a trip on him to get him to do this.  I definitely do not plan on taking my grandson into town with me today.  I have way too much to finish in the house.  I will give my son the choice of going to the rabbinate or taking his son with him to work.

my daughter-in-law is not much better.  she just assumes that I've finished the house and taking care of the kids is no big deal.  she works every day and comes home to clean.  I get it, she's tired.  my son doesn't help her.   however, she is 24 years old and I'm nearly 64 years old.   I was a single mom.  I used to work and I had no one to help me with my son.  I made pesach every year by myself and I managed without being a burden to anyone else.   I am feeling so unloving right now.

I saw that my old job of cooking in the yeshiva is available on a part time basis.  I feel like going back to work just to get out of babysitting.  I can be my own person for a sort while again.  it will be different this time.  I will not play house mummy.  I will just follow the recipes and program the new cook set in place.  no more vegan birthday cakes, or bread puddings, or any other extras.  I can make a bit of cash and be my own person again.  I can break free.  isn't that the true meaning of pesach, freedom?