I Could Just Cry

it is 5:00 p.m. in the holy city of zefat and i could just start crying.   i'm so tired and cranky and have had the kids with me since 2:00 a.m.   it's lag b'omer and i'm in no shape to trek to meron to visit the grave site of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai.   my sciatic nerve has started up again.   i did not go out last night with the kids and the grandkids to the local parade and barbecue afterwards at the clan's home.  i stayed in curled up on my t.v. couch watching 'fargo' and trying to find a comfortable position.   it wasn't easy.   i was quite uncomfortable.

it's been a few weeks now that i've experienced pins and needles and numbness in my left foot.   the pain has started travelling up the leg and into the hip area .   i an constantly in discomfort.   the radiologist told me that sitting is not good for this condition.   i'm back to lying around all day.   i cannot lift the kids anymore.   that's on doctors' orders as well as what my common sense dictates.  i am miserable.   the radiologist said that being miserable isn't good for the pain.

i didn't sleep a wink last night.  i seem to have this problem every saturday night.   i have to travel again to the hospital tomorrow for a brain scan.   lying down for an hour in the MRI machine will be very hard with my leg problem.   i can't really put it off again.   i  have little or no patience for the kids today.   they are really getting on my nerves.   life is getting on my nerves.  the dogs are getting on my nerves.   the radiologist says that getting tense isn't good for the pain.

i spent most of shabbat day with the grandkids.   i had them outside at 7:30 a.m.  i knew they were making too much noise but no one screamed out of their window to let me know.   one neignbor complained  to my son in the evening.   at least, they leave the cancer patient alone these days.   i am feeling depressed.   the radiologist said it is bad to be depressed... he said that depression increases the pain.   i just want to catch a break.   i know that being cancer free should be enough but it isn't.   i want to be pain free.   i'm tired of being uncomfortable.   i'm also tired of being left with the grand kids.   the daughter-in-law started a new job today.   that will probably entail my help from now on.   and pretty soon, the grandson will be on summer vacation.   i am dreading the day when the gans close.

i know my attitude sucks.   life sucks, too.   i was hoping to go back to a part time job but that's not in store for me right now.   the homeopath wants me to come back for another visit.   of course, everyone makes money except  for me.   i had put an ad for my upstairs rental recently, online and had a prospect.   of course it didn't pan out.   neither did all the receipts i sent in to the medical carrier.   they screwed me once again, out of about 1000 shekels.   i am feeling very discouraged.  

i made shabbat for the kids even though i was tired from travelling to the hospital and back on thursday.   i guess i was a bit hyper when i returned.   i even stopped off at the super to get some veggies.   i couldn't really carry anything heavy because of my back.   i bought 3 small fish fillets, a few beers, two small red cabbages, two packs of cherry tomatoes, a pack of corn treats for the kids, a few potatoes, 2 peppers, 3 carrots and a small jar of sweet chili sauce.

 i defrosted a package of chicken breasts and a small package of chicken thighs.  i used half of the breast to make fried cutlets and i used the rest to make a stir fry.   i roasted the thighs using a prepared  grill powder.   i made instant couscous, mashed potatoes,  2 types of cole slaw, egg salad, spicy tomato stewed fish, a cherry  tomato salad, and a chocolate brownie cake.   most of the salads were untouched.   the kids ate cookies instead of the cake.   i hate waisting my money and my energy.   what can one do?  

my son actually called up on friday to see if i could keep the kids with me from 3:00 p.m. until shabbat, which is around 8:00 p.m.   i am always amazed at his requests.   i originally said to count me out for shabbat because i knew that i'd be exhausted after my hospital trip on thursday.   i had to be at the gyn/oncologist in tel aviv at 9:00 a.m.   the taxi came at 6:00 a.m.   i hardly slept at all for fear that i'd miss the taxi.  the kids do not have a clue as to how i feel.   when they have a pain or headache or are just tired, they absolutely can't cope.  i'm the martyr here.   i'm tired of being bothered by them.  i am tired of making shabbat meals.  i am tired of being with the grand kids.   there,  i've said it.   what is going to happen to me?   is someone going to take away my grandmother papers or something.