Getting Free

it is 7:00 a.m. in the holy city of zefat.   i woke up an hour ago feeling warm and toasty and pain free.  i actually walked to the door effortlessly.   my son and his 13 year old brother-in-law finally shovelled a path to the gate yesterday.   the gate is finally open.  cloey dog ran free.  cookie dog is still house bound and refuses to leave the house.  she has no shame at all in making in the hallway.  in a way, she is living on borrowed time.  we nearly lost her at rosh hashana.   she seems like an old woman.  she has that vacant look in her eyes.

grandson is happily playing with his lego on the floor.  he came up at 6:00 a.m.  he is pretty wild in the evening.  both kids get really physical with me at night.  it is freezing outside.  i am thinking about going to the supermarket.  that entails getting my son to drive me there.  the pain has returned and once again i am in semi invalid mode.  it seems to have travelled  back to my hip.  i took a pain pill last night before falling asleep.  i simply couldn't get comfortable.  i put the last of my medicated heat patches on my backside and hip area this morning.

my daughter-in-law's brother has a bar mitzvah in 3 weeks.  i am expected to make around 200 chocolate tefillins.  i did it a year ago before i got sick,  for the other brother.  i also walked half an hour in the middle of the night to the shul for his actual aliyah to the torah.  as i said, that was all before i got sick.  actually, i was already sick then.  i had been more or less diagnosed and was waiting for my treatment.   that was when walking was effortless.  that was when i was still super lady.  that was when i wasn't afraid of people or germs.  that was when i still took my health for granted.   that was before chemo and radiation.

 i am now wondering, how in the world, will i be able to make it to the shul on shabbat.   the thought of being in a large hall and greeting tons of people who knew me before i got sick, is way too much for me.  i have also put on a ton of weight and have nothing to wear for the occasion.  three weeks isn't enough time to shed those pounds, either.  i haven't walked to that neighborhood in nearly a year.  i haven't done much of walking at all.

i know this event has really nothing to do with me but i cannot get out of going.  i cannot play the 'c' card anymore.  i am scared about taking the pet scan in a couple of weeks.   i am terrified about the outcome.  i am still grappling with the idea of brain surgery, too.  i am a mental and physical wreck.  i am craving ice cream.  i know that it is way too cold to even think about ice cream but i can't help it.  perhaps, i'll buy some anyway.

i have to get to town next week to do a blood test so i guess, i can buy tons of chocolate, then..  i don't really think i have the stamina, but i can do it in shifts.  i can make some every day until they are done.  i don't know if i have the money either.  i owe the electric company big time.  i can't think about it now.  we are in snow mode.  we are on winter break except that no one is getting paid for the break.   the  city is shut down but the city cannot reimburse anyone for the shut down.  the roads are closed but so what??

i want pancakes.  i can buy a package of mix later.  i only have rye flour and it is a bit heavy.  no one wants to eat rye flour cake or pancakes.  my cakes have been pretty nasty lately.  i don't know how to make bread.  it would be so nice to have fresh warm bread.  perhaps the super will have cornmeal.  i can make some corn bread or muffins.  that's my aim for today.  why aim for the stars.