Coming Into One's Own

it is 10:30 in the holy city of zefat. the sun is out and it isn't all that freezing. we have been blessed with lots and lots of rain. the garden is lush green and it didn't cost me a penny!

i should get to town. i have a few errands to take care of. i need to get to the bank, pronto. and yet, i am not moving. i don't seem to be able to get self activated. i am in a bit of a slump. not working again, is a real mood killer.

my phone got turned off for a couple of days. i tried for a cople of months, to get the phone company to send me a bill. i'm finally almost, through with my credit card. i spoke with about 5 different people and they all promised me that it would take 'a while'. they also reassured me that they wouldn't turn off the phone.

i paid off the bill, eventually, with cash and waited for them to turn on the phone. i emailed the company and told them that i was not a happy customer. i did get two apologies. big deal!

i still need to fill out a form in the bank to set up a direct payment. i also have to fax this form to the phone company. i need to sign up at the unemployment office and i need to put some cash into my account. and yet, i sit here, not moving.

i need to take a shower and change my clothes. i've been holed up here for the past few days in the same few layers of wool clothes. i have even, been sleeping in a wool hat. i am definately, in a slump.

i spent shabbat with a couple of friends. the kids ate out in the neighborhood. i had adult company and adult conversation, for a change. i even went for a 2 hour walk with a friend. my son asked me to watch his son and i declined. it felt so liberating. normally, i would have declined the walk. i am slowly, trying to get my life in order and set priorites for me.

i went back to the dentist after a year. my cap fell out. i still have to decide how to continue. i still need either, a surgical procedure to affix 3 inplants, or have about 4-5 teeth pulled to make a plate. money is a big issue and of course, my fear of pain is another big issue.

i do want to deal with this critical health issue in this new year. i have gotten quite heavy this winter. i can't seem to settle down on a diet plan. i have this self destructive urge to stuff face every night. i am depressed and worried about the future. being cold all the time, doesn't help.

while i was working from home, i did get out every day. i managed to cope better. i am basically, waiting for tu b'shvat so i can, once again, create a fruit extravaganza. and then what? purim? pesach?

i am in a rut. i sent out 2 email birthday cards this week. so far, my brother has not opened his. i figured a musical card would be festive and definately, arrive on time. i guess, that's if one opens their email regurlarly, and it doesn't go to their spam. oh well, at least i tried!