Blogging Again

 it is 7:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i lit the chanuka lights about an hour and a half ago. there are only a few neighbors that lit chanukiahs outside.  i lit my metal chanukiah with the macabees holding torches. i  used small glass bowls of olive olive and cotton wicks.  i placed it right off of my cooking area and i placed an electric plastic chanukiah up against the window ledge facing the street; for my neighbors to see.  it was my mom's from her home in brooklyn.  i have been alone this chanukah and it feels a bit creepy. the grandkids used to light my chanukiahs here before they moved from safed. i had no desire to polish or schlepp down my silver chanukiah. i was in a silly mood, anyway.

i arranged for a few friends to come up to my area tomorrow evening; for a chanuka get together.  tomorrow is the last night of chanukah.  my friend's home is warmer and cozier so we will meet there.  she also has an electric piano and tons of songs to play.  its about a 7 minute walk from my house.  i have not had a walk in a couple of days.  i do take the dogs out a few times a day, but i do not leave the immediate area with them.  they go nuts when they see other dogs or cats and tend to drag me. they are definately; having a hard time. they follow me from room to room and they seem a bit distressed.

my friend will will try to make latkes and i will try to make whole wheat spaghetti with tomato sauce and a greek salad with lettuce, black olives, red peppers, spanish onion and feta cheese.  the traditional greek salad is made with chunks of cucuumbers, tomatoes, black olives and feta cheese.  in israel, people use shredded lettuce.  i prefer the cucumbers and tomatoes version.  however, one of my friends has food issues so i am playing it safe with those food items, i know that she eats.  for instance, she does not like any dressing on her salads.  she only takes lemon wedges.  the traditional greek salad comes drizzled with olive oil.  so we will leave it off of the salad and serve the oil separately.  my potato latka making days is truly, history.

i need to shop tomorow for whole wheat spaghetti, feta cheese, parmesan cheese, black olives,red preppers, lettuce and red onions. i was finished praying and reading psalms and threw on my coat to hit the supermarket nearby; when it started raining hard. the street lights were off and it was very dark and foggy.  i decided to shop in the morning.  it is hard crossing the roads here.  sometimes, i feel like i am living in the wild west.  the city recently repainted the stripes of the pedestrian crosswalks but unfortunately, most people do not stop for seniors.  i am afraid to cross with the dogs so i wait until i see no more cars. they rebricked the streets up here and did a poor job near the bus stop.  i find myself, tripping all the time..

i stopped blogging because i was on facebook all the time.  i spend hours viewing posts about the war and anti israel demonstrations all over the world and i comment on many posts.  i also repost many videos that i find relevant or outrageous and it leaves me very little time to blog. i have taken to reporting hate speech; recently.  i was depressed, outraged, traumatized and miserable for awhile.  i didn't have any strength to blog.  i did not want to share atrocity stories.  the government here has pretty much; taken care of that.  i also took to my bed for a week, several weeks ago.  i was pretty trashed.  the people here were so demoralized.  none of my female neighbors left their homes, except to grocery shop.  i noticed that no one was dressed, either.  women stayed in their pajamas. 

last week, i mustered up the courage and bussed it to jerusalem for my grandaughter's bat mitzvah party.  the travelling was swift and peaceful.  jerusalem, as well as safed; have been pretty quiet throughout the war.  we have 'skirmages' on the lebanese border but so far it has been rocket free, here. we pray that it remains, so.  we do hear booms all the time and our planes flying over.  it is our background noise.  sometimes, it feels like i am in the twilight zone.  i volunteered once to make sandwhiches for the soldiers but i did too much and burnt out.  i haven't returned, yet.  i took on praying and reading psalms for the soldiers, hostages ad my fellow countrymen.  it takes up a good bit of my day.  i don't sleep long but i am in bed every night at 800 p.m.  i am in my house by 5:00 p.m.  i am not a fan of the dark and daylight savings.

i managed to meet up with a friend at the mall in jerusalem.  neither one of us were in the mood to go to a movie. it was a shame because it was senior's day and half price.  i only had some water and we laughed and discussed the war and our problems.  it was good to be together for awhile. the mall was noisy and crowded but still, we laughed and emoted.  i had no patience to check out the shops.  by the time we knew it, it was time to get back.  my friend had to struggle in heavy traffic back to her home and i had to deal with the bus in the dark, back to my son's home.  i did buy the kids some very fancy and costly donuts.  i ended up waiting in line for almost an hour, to buy them; to boot.  i passed my favorite second hand clothing store but i was way too tired to go in.  i had waited out a strong downpour and didn't want to chance being outside for another one..

i left the next morning back to safed.  i have been tired since i returned.  that's how it goes.  war is tiring.  reading the news is exhausting.  commenting on facebook is endless.  staying up til 3:00 a.m. every night is ridiculous.  i get out occasionally and take my 40 minute walk.  it now takes me nearly an hour.  i am eating way too much and sitting way too much.  i have definately, put on some weight.  i am behind in all my doctor's appts.  i do not travel to tel aviv these days.  i have a list of all the things i need to organize.  i managed to mop the floor today and i did laundry yesterday.  one day at a time.!!

Hanukkah in Santa Monica (Tom Lehrer)

Almost Shabbat

 it is 2:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed. it feels like rain. yesterday, i enjoyed being out of the house for a few hours.  it was a lovely, sunny and cool afternoon.  i bussed over to canaan and stopped off at the bank for my balance, and went into the health food store but left without buying anything. i think i was distracted. i went over to the supermarket to check out if the frozen blueberries had arrived. i bought 4 packages. you never know when they will be out. i use them for my sugarless,,non gluten banana muffins and my sugarless, non dairy banana blueberry chocolate ice cream.

outside the supermarket; i saw an old friend who lives downtown. we lost contact during covid.  i haven't gone to town in the last month. i tend to stay close to my home. i do walk out of the neighborhood but i haven't gone down to town by myself. we caught up on the past three years and we laughed like school girls. only in israel during a war, can you let your hair down. i made a simple shabbat meal. i am back to  i already ate some. i poured a container of whole wheat penne pasta into the pot of sauce.  i ate a huge amount of pasta, gearing up for a long walk.  i never made it out for my walk. because it looks like rain. i am also very tired today.  the stress really gets to you and forget about the cortisol levels.

i went to a phone shop to buy a new charger.  i was getting desperate when the phone wouldn't charge more than 25%. supposedly, i bought a fast one.  well, it took over 24 hours to get up to 100%  with the new charger.  i thought about going back to the store today but i ran out of time.  stores close early now that shabbat starts at 4:00 p.m.  i will have to wait until sunday to go back to the store. i didn't take the reeipt with me. i hope he remembers me. 

i baked 7 sugarless, non dairy, non gluten, blueberry corn muffins in the tiny toaster oven. the rubber lining on the oven door of my regular oven, broke off.  i filled individual muffin tins to fit in thetiny  toaster oven.  i must have muffins on shabbat morning. i grated raw beets, apples and carrots for a salad. i still need to prepare some fish. i will probably pop a salmon fillet intothe tiny toaster oven.  i want to make a bit of tahina sauce.  and i need to mop the kitchen floor.  just a regular friday afternoon in a war zone.  we have been very quiet here so i have nothing to complain about.  it's just a little like living in the twilight zine at times.  wishing everyone a good shabbat, a quiet shabbat, a shabbat shalom!

Understanding Things Now

it is 9:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  Thank G-d,  things are quiet here in the north. i didn't take my walk today.  it has been hot here. i also did not sleep more than a couple of hours last night. i napped on shabbat day; which made it impossible for me to sleep last night. i turned off my phone at around 4:00 a.m. i managed to take the dogs out at around 6:00 a.m. they are definately affected by the war energy.  we have the constant sounds of planes and helicopters flying over us and we had a siren the other evening.  the dogs got pretty freaked out.  so did i.  it is waiting for the booms that get's to you.

i have been reading so many anti israel blogs and reading tweets from prominent politicians and famous personalities; accusing israel of being the oppressor, and aggressor in this war. the world's powers are calling for us to make a cease fire.  i pray that we don't stop fighting until we demolish hamas. i am 72 years old.  i was born 6 years after the end of WW2 and the holocaust.  the nazis were destroyed and the japanese were broken.  my parents were both veterans.  my father served in the infantry in the philippines and my mother served in the wacs in england. we had several black and white photos of them, in a straw box my mother kept in the closet.

they never really spoke of the holocaust to us and very little of their war experiences. my father did his basic training in the south and got into many a fist fight against the anti semitism of his officers and fellow trainees.  i remember his telling us that he never killed anyone up close with his bayonet but he acknowledged that he probably, had killed japanese soldiers.  he also said that he was glad that they had dropped the atom bomb on japan.  he owed his returning whole, to the united states from this.  my mom told of being in a german synagogue after the war and lighting the first candles there after the war.  they were both ardent zionists but somehow didn't instill that in their children.

i remember my mother sitting in her bedroom watching a multi hour long holocaust film and crying.  i remember not understanding.  i was impatient with her.  i thought she should get over it already.  i had no understanding of the holocaust back then.  i remember a t.v.series about it but i probably didn't watch it in its entirety.  after all, we were americans.  my parents were born in america and their parents had come to america at the turn of the century.  i didn't understand how it had effected my family.  i grew up in brooklyn new york.  they had a larger population of jews than israel.  i didn't start to read holocaust books until i came to safed, 40 years ago.  i didn't really experience anti semitism while growing up.

my parents dreamed of living in israel and only fullfilled that dream in 2000.  my father wanted to fight for israel.  he was well over the age for that, but he wanted to defend the jewish homeland. similarly, he joined the army to fight the nazis.  my mother was so distraught when the israeli government evacuated its jewish citizens from the gaza.  they used our young and beautiful brave soldiers to physically remove the citizens. t hey tore down synagogues.  i thought my mother would die from watching the news.  she was actually in the hospital in safed during the evacuation.

my son was in the army but was not involved in any of the evacuation.  i grew up in a house that had a lot of sadness. i never understood until lately that i was second generation holocaust. i later learned about my mothers' cousins being destroyed by hitler. i saw a picture of her female cousin and i was shocked to see the resemblance to my mother.  it finally hit me.  i  finally understood.  and now i watch the awful vodeos against israel and all the modern day holocaust deniers and i am sickened. i feel my heart pulsating.  i understand how my mother sat crying in her bedroom watching documentaries of the holocaust.  i also understand my father's desire to kill nazis and fight for israel's existence. i want to avenge all the murders and rapes and beheadings and burnings of my people.  i want to nuke iran.

i want all the two faced liars and politicians and celebrities and jews against israel to go and scew themselves and lose their followers, their wealth and their celebrity status.  i want the hamas to be history.  i want to  see my grandkids.  i want to take a walk and not be afraid of a siren going off while i am away drom my safe room.  i want this nigtmare to end.  i want the mosiah to deliver us to a kind new world. i want to wake up tomorrow to good news.  i want to hear that all the hostages were found and returned to israel.  i understand my parents, now.  i want to visit their graves, here in safed.

h

Getting Out

 it is 9:00 a.m. in the holy city of safed.  yesterday, a friend took me to a recycling machine in safed; where i was able to return 170 assorted cans, plastic and glass bottles and get my deposits back.  it was outside of a supermarket in the south of safed.  i usually do not shop there when my friend is not around.  it is a 2 bus trip and i can't be bothered; usually.  returning bottles in two other supermarkets is a bit of a hassle.  the supermarket near me, makes you hand each bottle over to the clerk and she puts them in designated bags and counts them.  you then get a receipt and get a credit in the store.  they limit you to 50 bottles.  for 50 bottles, you get a whole 15 shekels, which is the equivalent of $3.71.  you kind of wonder why anyone would bother for this little amount of money. yesterday, i received S12.59 for the bottles.  that is half the amount i used to make for an hour's work when i was cooking for a yeshiva.

i used to throw my bottles out or bring them to a recycling bin. once they started putting deposits on bottles of mineral water, i began to bring them back to the store.  it is amazing how many bottles you find on a daily stroll.  people leave them behind at bus shelters and in garbage recepticles arund the neighborhood.  i feel that i am helping to clean up the environment, while i make a bit of money.  i still have another 50 bottles to bring back.  one supermarket, that i usually walk to; is currently not receiving bottles. they give you cash but also restrict you to 50 bottles at a time. i can easily, take 50 plastic bottles with me on the bus.  they are virtually, weightless but the glass bottles are pretty heavy.  it also makes me feel usefull.  right now, i am feeling pretty vulnerable and useless.

you do not see many people out and around although it has been very quiet in safed.  we pray that it will stay like that but most women and children are inside these days. it is quite reminiscent of the covid years without the sirens blasting.  i did see some people yesterday jogging and going out for a walk.  it gave me courage.  i finally took a walk in the late evening.  i didn't to the entire neighborhood because i am still nervous about walking near a large area without houses nearby.  it was nevertheless, a small victory.  we have had a slew of soldiers in safed lately.  i get a real kick out of seeing these beautiful young people.  they are so upbeat and courageous.  i want so desparately, to be able to help out the war effort but my current financial situation, prevents it. i can't really donate pillows,and blankets.

i am no longer up to baking cookies or preparing sandwiches.  i have come to the realization that by keeping myself sound and fit, and not being a burden on anyone, it is quite enough.  ialso have started to pray, again.  i heard once, that G-d loves the prayers of old women.  i bless each and every soldier that passes me and thank them.  yesterday, i encountered a lovely young soldier at the supermarket. i blessed him and handed him a 50 shekel bill. he smiled so brightly.  i felt like i was giving a grandson some money to buy something he liked.  i wish i could do more.  i guess i should get out and look for some more bottles. LOL

Staying Regulated

 it is 7:30 p.m. in the holy city of safed. we had another quiet day, here in the north.  i don't remember hearing our planes today.  it was rainy and it was sunny.  it was warm and now it is cold. i wanted to return my 50 plastic bottles.  i collect bottles now.  it is my way of taking care of the environment and bringing in a bit of cash.  it sounds pretty silly but i make almost $5 each time i go to the supermarket.  the plastic bottles are pretty light and i can hop on a bus and return them at a supermarket about 10 minutes away.  

the neighborhood supermarket makes you pull out each bottle while a clerk keeps the count.  you have to place them in certain bags that she pulls out.  at the large supermarket they have large bins to toss the bottles in.  no one watches you and they give you a receipt and you wait on line with the shoppers and you receive cash.  at the neighborhood supermarket;  you only get a credit.  it is actually fun.  the glass bottles are a lot harder to return.  i need to schlepp them in a shopping cart.  25 of these bottles is very heavy; while the plastic bottles are seemingly weightless. the cans are not hard, either. 

the point is;  i wanted to do a normal task today.  i wanted to walk to the supermarket, which is a 20 minute stroll but you do not see people walking in the streets.  people are keeping a low profile.  people are in their houses.  i guess the front command has told people to stay close by.  you do catch a glimpse of neighbors getting in and out of their cars; usuallly carrying groceries.  i do occasionally; see other dog walkers, besides myself.  otherwise, it is pretty quiet.  my neighbors do offer their help and keep in touch with me.  i am the only single lady on the street.  there are quite a few adult children; temporaily at their family home these days.  everyone wants to be together with their familes.  and there are some parents who have travelled to the south to help their kids out.

i try to stay regulated as best as i can.  i am doing tons of laundry and washing my dishes.  i am constantly sweeping the floors.  i take the dogs out several times a day for short walks.  yesterday, i cooked up a large pot of chicken soup with barley and green lentils.  i froze two containers and i have plenty left for shabbat.  i also baked a dozen : unsweetened non gluten banana/cherry muffins.  i use graham flour these days; also known as chickpea flour.  it has a particular taste but i am used to it.  i make up these recipes by myself.  sometimes, the recipe only makes 8 or 9 muffins.  i seldom get a baker's dozen but i used 3 eggs yesterday.  i grated in fresh nutmeg.  i haven't used it in a long time.  i was actuallly craving cinnamon but i took out the nutmeg instead.

i usually make banana/ blueberry muffins but my local supermarket was all out of blueberries.  i am not a big fan of frozen cherries but that's all i had.  the muffins came out okay.  i was looking forward this morning to bringing my plastic bottles to the large supermarket and buying a bag of frozen blueberries.  oh well...  i ended up with the mutt and jeff repairman, in my house, instead.  i noticed that the water meter was spinning yesterday and i wasn't using any water.  i figured that one of the toilets might be running but we couldn't find the culprit.  later on,  i shut off the water valves ton two toilets but the water meter kept on spinning.  hopefully,  the repair guy can come back on sunday.  if not; i will have to get a plumber to check it out.

i managed to fold up the material of the sukkah and actuallly; got it back into its plastic zippered bag this morning.  it made me,  kind of nuts; every time i saw it all squished together on the dining room chair.  i simply couldn't focus on this task after simchat torah and the massacre of our citizens.  my gardener came on that sunday morning after the carnage on shabbat.  he took my sukkah down and brought all of the parts downstairs to my shed.  he needed a task to focus on.  he needed to help an old lady out.  i left the material on a table outside for a couple of days.  i then threw it on a dining room chair.  i wanted to wash it but it didn't fit in my american toploader washing machine. it was a great relief putting it back in my closet today.

i felt like i had accomplished something.  i am keeping regulated by staying clear of the news.  i quickly glanced at headlines of breaking news but i no longer listen to the news.  i am traumatized. i do not watch much television any more.  i take my phone into bed with me and watch reruns of 'everyone loves raymond'.  it tickles my fancy.  i find myself chuckling out load.  it is theraputic to laugh. i read that it is the actual rememdy to combat the horrific videos that we watched on the news.  who knew?

Just Woke Up

it is almost 7:00 p.m. in the holy city of safed.  i ate a humongous amount of pasta, bread and salad for lunch.  i then had a fake banana based ice cream and fell asleep. i think i literally, passed out.  i had a hard time sleeping last night.  i spent hours on facebook; looking at the seemingly, countless posts of civilians and soldiers who have been killed.  they are all stunningly, beautiful people.  the finest and best of our youth have been taken from us.  we read of such bravery and dedication to the survival of our people.  so many of our young women have been slain in battle.  and the world continues to call for more of our bloodshed.  it is exhausting to try and make any sense of any of this.  i found myself answering so many of the posts.  so many people are trying to get the world to see that israel is not on par with hamas.  we are trying to prove that we are not the agressors, here.  we are trying to end the false narrative that israel is an aparthied atate.  we are trying desparately, to show the world that we do not target civilans and wantingly, kill children and women.  i post all day long that the world is not listening and that they are all calling for our destruction as a state and as a people. it is exhausting and it is useless to try to defend our right to exist.

i sit in my large house and look around all day.  i see the pictures that my grandkids made, hanging on my wall.   i see the toy kitchen set up near the door. i  see the many sets of assorted legos on the shelves. i see the little tent in my living room that my grandson loves to play in. i  sigh.  right now i know that they are safe, thank G-d.  i know that they are not running in and out of bomb shelters.  i miss them terribly but i know that they are safe and unmolested.  i saw a couple of little kids in the playground with their grandpa this morning and i started to cry.  i would smile, mormally, but i am traumatized.  i look at the pictures of the hostages in gaza too many times a day.  one cannot avoid it. 

 i was born in 1951, a few years after the holocaust.  i have vivid memories of my mom, watching documentatries of the holocaust in her bedroom and crying.  i was too young to understand the trauma.  adults did not speak of the autrocities to their kids.  there was an underlying sadness in our homes. it was only a short time ago that i realized that i was second generation holocaust.  my grandparents came to america at the turn of the century and my parents were born in new york so i never thought we were effected by the holocaust.  it was only later on that i saw pictures of my mother's cousins who perished and other members of our famly.  i didn't understand why my mother watched the documentaries and why she couldn't get over it.  and now i spend my nights and days going over all the pictures of the fallen soldiers and of the innocent women and children slain and of the many hostages being held in gaza.  and i watch the many demonstrations on the news calling for the destruction of the jews and it exhausts me.  our soldiers are fighting for our existence as a people.  they are fatigued and hungry and on the move.  and i am in my beautiful house looking around at all lthe photos of my grandkids.  and i am old and vulnerable and understand the holocaust better now.